seeking marital wisdom for the Holidays

[Andres]

My wife and I need some impartial, third-party mediators to help us make a decision regarding the upcoming holidays. (P.S. I checked with my wife and she approved this posting) This is our first holidays as a married couple, so we are struggling how to make it fair for everyone. Here is our situation:

My wife has family (parents, adult brother, grandparents) that live 3 hours away from us. My family (mom, adult brothers, sister and her husband and new baby) live here in town where we live.
My wife works the day before and day after Thanksgiving and I work before, on, and after Thanksgiving, so us traveling to her family house is out of the question for Thanksgiving, thus we will be spending that holiday here with my family. Plus, my in-laws do not cook for Thanksgiving, so the holiday is not as big for them as it for my family. The weekend after Thanksgiving my wife will travel home alone to see her family but I have to work so I will stay behind.

Now on to Christmas…
I am off that whole week, but my wife is only off Christmas eve and Christmas day. She has to work at 8:00 Dec 26th. We have already decided we will travel to see my in-laws when my wife gets off work Wednesday evening. We would then spend Christmas eve all day with her family, but I want to be back on Christmas morning to open gifts with my family. Is this unfair of me to ask my wife to miss Christmas day with her family? How do we compromise spending the Christmas holidays between both families? Thanks for your wisdom, especially those who are married and have dealt specifically with this.

 

[MMasztal]

Well, my wife is from WV, I'm from MA. We would always split the holidays. One year Christmas with my folks, the next year with her folks and vice versa the following year. It worked out fine.

 

[PuritanCovenanter]

Wait till you have kids..... LOL

Then both sides of the family will want to see the kids on Christmas morning. At one point I said it aint happening. I got tired of running to her Dads, then her moms, then my Dads, then my moms houses. It was too much work and stress. I grew to have a major dislike for the holidays because of it.

Be it known that whatever you decide it will become somewhat expected in the future to some degree or another. Beware of the precedent you set up.

I vote just stay home and enjoy each other. Actually, I also understand that it is enjoyable to be around family and eat all the good food Mothers put on the table.

I have no advice as to what you should do. Have fun and be loving in your decisions. But don't let other family members run over you.

BTW, How did planning your wedding go? Was the decision making just as hard? Did others step in and offer advice and pull strings telling you what you should do? Get use to it. LOL

 

[Andres]

Well, my wife is from WV, I'm from MA. We would always split the holidays. One year Christmas with my folks, the next year with her folks and vice versa the following year. It worked out fine.

I understand your solution to be a viable one for your situation, but due to the fairly close proximity of our families, it seems kind of silly for us to completely not visit a family for the holiday. I do sincerely appreciate your input though, and someday we may very well have to do this should the Lord relocate us in the future.

 

[dyarashus]

Your wife is your family now.

Family dynamics are more complicated than can be captured by a simple scheduling question like yours, but this would be a great time to review Ephesians 5. There's a sacrificial aspect to love, where putting your spouse's interests first is generally the right answer.

My personal opinion -- For Christmas, you've got a whole week off, and live near your folks? But she's only got a couple of days, and hers aren't as close? Take the couple days she's got off, spend them with her parents, then come back home and see your parents/brothers/sisters, with her joining as she's able. You'll have more chances to see those you live closer to, so take all the chances you have to see those farther away -- cheerfully.

 

[Jim Peet]

Who says Thanksgiving has to be celebrated on Thanksgiving? Or Christmas on 12/25?

Alternate! But always be together. After a time stay at home and build your own traditions.

From: Married 35 years (m 12/28/74)

-----
I have a child who is celebrating Thanksgiving with the other family on Thursday. But tomorrow they are both coming by our house for a ham dinner! It's only a day!

 

[Scottish Lass]

My family lives seven hours south in Atlanta, while Tim's family lives three hours even farther south (almost Florida). My family, as Jim mentions, does not care what day we celebrate, so we visit Tim's family on the day itself when they generally have a large gathering (and usually a day or two adjoining it), and the rest with my parents. We kept the same set-up when we lived in the next county, tbe next state, and now nearly a day away, and we've been married for eight years.

We are generally not as limited with our time as you are, but both families understand that it is difficult for Tim to miss more than one Sunday or certain holidays here (since he's a pastor). Next year will be our first with our daughter, so we'll see if we have to adjust.

Bottom line, how flexible is either side about celebrating on a different calendar day? Could either side come to you? My parents will come here for Christmas b/c I assumed (erroneously, apparently) I would be too uncomfortable to ride for that long that late in the pregnancy.

 

[PuritanCovenanter]

Your wife is your family now.

Family dynamics are more complicated than can be captured by a simple scheduling question like yours, but this would be a great time to review Ephesians 5. There's a sacrificial aspect to love, where putting your spouse's interests first is generally the right answer.

My personal opinion -- For Christmas, you've got a whole week off, and live near your folks? But she's only got a couple of days, and hers aren't as close? Take the couple days she's got off, spend them with her parents, then come back home and see your parents/brothers/sisters, with her joining as she's able. You'll have more chances to see those you live closer to, so take all the chances you have to see those farther away -- cheerfully.

This is good advice. My Thanks button is all used up for the day so I couldn't give it a kudos. But this is good advice.

 

[Wayne]

This is good advice.

What he said.

 

[Edward]

Well, my wife is from WV, I'm from MA. We would always split the holidays. One year Christmas with my folks, the next year with her folks and vice versa the following year. It worked out fine.

I understand your solution to be a viable one for your situation, but due to the fairly close proximity of our families, it seems kind of silly for us to completely not visit a family for the holiday. I do sincerely appreciate your input though, and someday we may very well have to do this should the Lord relocate us in the future.

The road runs both directions. Are either set of parents physically unable to join you all for the holidays? We stopped traveling for the holidays when we became parents.

Is this unfair of me to ask my wife to miss Christmas day with her family?

Yes.

If you all do travel for a holiday, you should do Thanksgiving with one set, Christmas with the other, and reverse the order the next year.

 

[Andres]

Your wife is your family now.

Family dynamics are more complicated than can be captured by a simple scheduling question like yours, but this would be a great time to review Ephesians 5. There's a sacrificial aspect to love, where putting your spouse's interests first is generally the right answer.

My personal opinion -- For Christmas, you've got a whole week off, and live near your folks? But she's only got a couple of days, and hers aren't as close? Take the couple days she's got off, spend them with her parents, then come back home and see your parents/brothers/sisters, with her joining as she's able. You'll have more chances to see those you live closer to, so take all the chances you have to see those farther away -- cheerfully.

I agree with the others that this is excellent advice. I am actually embarrassed now that I would be so selfish as to not sacrifice for my wife. I have pretty much settled now that because I have the time off and my family lives nearby all year round, it is a small sacrifice to spend Christmas morning with my in-laws.

 

[Scott1]

First obligation is to your wife and your life together. You'll want to set a pattern of mercy, care and respect towards both sets of in-laws but establish the pattern of not being manipulated or dominated by them. Do this right away- it is a common multi-year adjustment process. They do not "demand" or make the decisions for you (though you do care for and are concerned about their needs to see you).

Remember, you can alter the Holiday if necessary, (e.g. Thanksgiving meal and family customs on Friday) and you can offer family and guests to come to you (e.g. you prepare the meal and activities).

PS- you might appreciate leading in setting some holiday customs for your family. For example, Thanksgiving something like you cook a bountiful traditional meal, ask everyone to share 10 things they are thankful for (even guests), do a gentle walk, and start a fire in the fireplace. Work at making these as stress free as possible for your wife, get her input, and you will come to be appreciated and enjoy them together over the years.

 

[Curt]

You've gotten a lot of good advice here. Another thing to remember is that your work schedule will not always be what it is now. So don't set things up that will be continuing through your marriage based upon the work schedule alone.

Forty years ago, my wife and I had the same dilemma. Parents in CT and RI. So we went to Canton OH and visited the Football Hall of Fame for Thanksgiving. Both sides of the family got the picture.

 

[Rich Koster]

I don't know how big your home is, but the travel onus can be reversed for everyone to meet at your place as part of the rotation too. We used to do it until my parents were too old to travel.

 

[jwithnell]

Here's what I told my daughter the first year she was married to our wonderful son-on-law. "You are always welcome here, but I want you to feel free to start your own traditions. If you'd like to join us for any or all parts of a holiday, feel free to do so, but don't feel pressured to come either."

So far, Thanksgiving has been the swing holiday (kind of like it is for our family, sometimes home, sometimes at another relative's). But Christmas morning, they spend at home. We usually do get together here at home earlier in December (sometimes when we decorate the tree) to exchange presents since half the fun is seeing the recipient's reaction).

 

[Andres]

Forty years ago, my wife and I had the same dilemma. Parents in CT and RI. So we went to Canton OH and visited the Football Hall of Fame for Thanksgiving. Both sides of the family got the picture.

Curt, ha ha. If we went to the Pro Football Hall of Fame for Thanksgiving, I certainly wouldn't complain, but I think my sweet wife might not appreciate it quite like I would.

-----Added 11/21/2009 at 10:14:56 EST-----

Here's what I told my daughter the first year she was married to our wonderful son-on-law. "You are always welcome here, but I want you to feel free to start your own traditions. If you'd like to join us for any or all parts of a holiday, feel free to do so, but don't feel pressured to come either."

So far, Thanksgiving has been the swing holiday (kind of like it is for our family, sometimes home, sometimes at another relative's). But Christmas morning, they spend at home. We usually do get together here at home earlier in December (sometimes when we decorate the tree) to exchange presents since half the fun is seeing the recipient's reaction).

Jwithnell, this is very admirable of you to relieve that pressure off of your children. Unfortunately, both of our families are not like that. It is not a knock against them as we are blessed to have families that truly want us around. However, I can confess I do feel pressure to make both families happy. THanks for everyone's advice because I now see that it is important to make the decision that is best for my wife and I. Our families will have to understand.

 

[fredtgreco]

Circumstances change, so you need to think through the principles of what you will do, and then modify them according to the immediate circumstances. We had this issue when we were first married. Both our families were within close proximity, but not easy proximity (being 30-35 miles apart in Buffalo in December does not make for quick trips back and forth). We lived in Cleveland, so we had to travel 3-4 hours (in the snow!) to visit both families. It was unthinkable (to the families and my wife) that we would not. So we had to plan how we would do things.

By our second Christmas, we had an infant (4 mos. old). That made things harder because everyone wants to see the baby. To make matters worse, I was a corporate attorney, and the busiest time of the year was the end of December (end of a tax year for transactions to be closed). So Christmas was Fred brings his computer to his in-laws, where we stayed and I worked. I constantly checked voice mail and tried not to upset partners, while my mother got upset and my wife was annoyed.

Soon (either Christmas #4 or #5) I insisted that we stay in Cleveland. It was too difficult, and I wanted the children to have their own Christmas tradition. We offered to have family come in an visit us. Now we don't have that problem, since we live 1,500 miles from family now and there is no option for us to travel (it being unthinkable for the pastor to not be in church for the Christmas eve service).

As you can see, circumstances can and will change. My suggestion is this:

1. Go to your in-laws on Christmas Eve. Spend the night and open presents in the morning. Make sure the in-laws know that if they normally open (for example) at noon, it will have to be 9 or 10 so you can travel back that afternoon. This sets boundaries, but also serves your wife, which quite frankly is the most important part of this entire matter.

Read the bold sentence again. Then read it one more time.

2. Travel back to your family for the late afternoon and evening so you can be with them for a bit before your wife needs to rest for work the next day. Make sure your family knows what you have to do. Explain why they will have to open gifts with you at that time. They should be understanding.

3. You can then go and visit with your family the day after Christmas.

This will allow you to be with both families for part of Christmas, and not go insane.

 

[Montanablue]

Here's what I told my daughter the first year she was married to our wonderful son-on-law. "You are always welcome here, but I want you to feel free to start your own traditions. If you'd like to join us for any or all parts of a holiday, feel free to do so, but don't feel pressured to come either."

So far, Thanksgiving has been the swing holiday (kind of like it is for our family, sometimes home, sometimes at another relative's). But Christmas morning, they spend at home. We usually do get together here at home earlier in December (sometimes when we decorate the tree) to exchange presents since half the fun is seeing the recipient's reaction).

You are a wonderful mother in law.

 

[jwithnell]

I have a wonderful mother in law and have learned a lot from her!

 

[CatherineL]

Holidays as a married couple - I found it to be the first and most traumatic test of marital compromise that I experienced!

We've found that it works well to alternate holidays with families, as has been suggested. But be flexible, and make sure to let families know that although you'll try to trade off, sometimes work schedules and other circumstances will require changes.

From what you've described, I agree that you should spend the time off around Christmas with her family, and maybe ask your family if you can have a pre-or-post- Christmas dinner / gift exchange so that you'll be able to celebrate with your side of the family too maybe the weekend before or after. This has worked great for us in the past!

When you have kids you might consider not travelling for Christmas but inviting out of town relatives to come stay with you. Not having to drive 12 hours with 3 kids under 5 to visit family for Christmas is a huge gift to me.

 

[SolaScriptura]

... and I wanted the children to have their own Christmas tradition.

Fred, I totally resonate with that desire!!!

Andrew (and anyone else) -

Fortunately, both sides of my family (meaning my birth family and my in-laws) are willing to celebrate holidays on days other than the official "holiday." This is helpful because it allows us to do a family Thanksgiving meal and a family Christmas with everyone. Perhaps see if at some point your family would be willing to do their Thanksgiving meal on, say, Saturday. Or celebrate Christmas the Saturday after.


The reason I - or you, for that matter - want to go home and celebrate the holidays with your family is because our cherished memories (memories of people, traditions, events, etc...) center us there. This is important: At the risk of stating the obvious, those memories and experiences are cherished for you because you did them growing up. Now, as an adult, you naturally want to figure out how to go back. The take away being that if you want your home to be a place that your grown kids will want to rush back to for the Holidays with their own families, then consider making your home's holiday traditions and activities the focus and your parents' (your kids' grandparents) activities more secondary.

I remember that for the first several years, until we had kids, the holidays didn't "feel" like the Holidays because it was just my wife and me in the middle of a huge city (Chicago) hours away from any of our family who were busy having a jolly time eating, drinking, and being merry. It was kind of depressing.

However, once we had kids, we did a lot of reflecting on what I just wrote - about growing up with those experiences and they are a cherished part of our family identity - and we decided that we don't want our kids' holiday memories centering around our childhood... we want them to have cherished memories of the whole holiday "shabang" at OUR house so that when they grow up and move out and get families of their own they will want to come see us! So we made a decision that we would go to family gatherings, but we will always make sure that we are in our house to celebrate the Holiday season in our own way.

I write all that to say: Enjoy the family traditions your received from your individual families, but now that you have brought two together into one, begin considering what things you'll do as a part of your own family traditions for your children once they come.

 

[CatherineL]

I remember that for the first several years, until we had kids, the holidays didn't "feel" like the Holidays because it was just my wife and me in the middle of a huge city (Chicago) hours away from any of our family who were busy having a jolly time eating, drinking, and being merry. It was kind of depressing.

However, once we had kids, we did a lot of reflecting on what I just wrote - about growing up with those experiences and they are a cherished part of our family identity - and we decided that we don't want our kids' holiday memories centering around our childhood... we want them to have cherished memories of the whole holiday "shabang" at OUR house so that when they grow up and move out and get families of their own they will want to come see us! So we made a decision that we would go to family gatherings, but we will always make sure that we are in our house to celebrate the Holiday season in our own way.

I write all that to say: Enjoy the family traditions your received from your individual families, but now that you have brought two together into one, begin considering what things you'll do as a part of your own family traditions for your children once they come.

Thank you so much for that post, Ben, very encouraging! I still struggle with the holidays "feeling" like holidays unless I'm at my parent's house surrounded by loud Irish Catholics.

 

[SolaScriptura]

I remember that for the first several years, until we had kids, the holidays didn't "feel" like the Holidays because it was just my wife and me in the middle of a huge city (Chicago) hours away from any of our family who were busy having a jolly time eating, drinking, and being merry. It was kind of depressing.

However, once we had kids, we did a lot of reflecting on what I just wrote - about growing up with those experiences and they are a cherished part of our family identity - and we decided that we don't want our kids' holiday memories centering around our childhood... we want them to have cherished memories of the whole holiday "shabang" at OUR house so that when they grow up and move out and get families of their own they will want to come see us! So we made a decision that we would go to family gatherings, but we will always make sure that we are in our house to celebrate the Holiday season in our own way.

I write all that to say: Enjoy the family traditions your received from your individual families, but now that you have brought two together into one, begin considering what things you'll do as a part of your own family traditions for your children once they come.

Thank you so much for that post, Ben, very encouraging! I still struggle with the holidays "feeling" like holidays unless I'm at my parent's house surrounded by loud Irish Catholics.

Glad to be of service!

 

[JBaldwin]

So much good advice.

It is very important (as others have said) to set your personal traditions early on, even before children. We made the mistake of not doing that. Two years after we were married, my parents moved into our area. Our inlaws already lived in the area. We stupidly listened to our inlaws (my husband's only relatives, he was an only child) who refused to join in with our effort to have combined celebrations. We agreed to go see my inlaws on Christmas Eve and have Christmas dinner with my relatives. That worked well until children came along. Suddenly my inlaws wanted us to come over and have "brunch" with them late Christmas morning. We quickly discovered after a few years of doing this that all we did was run around, and it was exhausting.

Finally, we flat out told our inlaws that we would show up for a few hours on Christmas Eve, but if they wanted to see us on Christmas day, they were going to have to join my family's celebration which starts around 4 in the afternoon on Christmas day. The rest of the Christmas day was ours.