Irish Humor

[C. Matthew McMahon]

You gotta love the Irish!
This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.

 

[luvroftheWord]

That's dang funny!

You know what an Irishman is? A Scot that can swim!

 

[Irishcat922]

An Irish man goes into a bar and orders martini after martini, as he finishes his martinis he tosses the olives in a jar, when the jar is full he gets up to leave. The Bartender asks " Friend what are you doing?" the Irish man responds " oh me wife sent me out for a jar of olives."

 

[blhowes]

Don't know how I missed this thread last month! I've gotta pay closer attention.

[b:450b97a485]Paul wrote:[/b:450b97a485]
how many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I give up. How many?

Playing the straight man,
Bob

 

[cupotea]

[quote:e858bc7170][i:e858bc7170]Originally posted by Paul manata[/i:e858bc7170]
how many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [/quote:e858bc7170]

It depends if they are Baptist. If they are Irish Baptist, then the answer would be an entire congregation. A Committee on Committees made up of 5 members has to create a Building and Grounds Committee made up of 5 members and a Finance Committee made up of 5 members. The Building & Grounds Committee has to consult the Finance Committee if their is money in the budget. If their is money in the budget, then the request needs to be presented to the church at its quarterly business meeting. A majority vote is then required by the membership to give the Building and Grounds Committee authorization to purchase the light bulb.

By that time, a little old lady who is a charter member borrowed her son's ladder and changed it herself.

 

[Irishcat922]

Two Irish men got a job in a sawmill, one called out to his friend "hey Sean, I lost one of my fingers." How'd did you do that Mick? I just touched this big spinnin thing here like this.. oops there goes another one.

 

[duke]

Funny,

I heard Webmaster's supposed "actual transcript" with the Americans in the role that the British have and the British in the role that the Irish have.

Guess it would work with many nations.

Duke.

 

[duke]

How do you spot an Irish man in a carwash?


He's the one on the motorcycle.

 

[duke]

Did you hear about the Irish man who broke his arms raking leaves in the autumn?

He fell out of the tree.

 

[duke]

What do you call an Irish man who steals your beer?

Nick McGuiness.

 

[Irishcat922]

An Irish woman goes to her Lawyer to get council about a divorce. The Lawyer asks " do you have a grudge?" "oh, no the woman responds, I wish we did we only have a carport." the lawyer shakes his head and asks" well does he beat you up?" The woman says "no,no, oim up way before him in the mornin." The Lawyer frustrated asks " what grounds do you have?" The woman laughs and says "grounds, ha! we live in a flat, we don't even have a planter box." Finally the Lawyer asks, Madam why do you want a divorce? The woman says " oh, well now you see, me husband is ignorant, why we can't even carry on so much as an intelligent conversation!" uzzled:

 

[sundoulos]

Then there was the Irishman who drove into an Ulster petrol station and asked for a fill-up. "We don't have any petrol," he was told.
"How about checking the oil, then."
"Sorry, sir, we don't have any oil, either," replied the attendant.
"What kind of a petrol station is this?"
"It's not really a petrol station. It's just a front for the IRA."
"Well, in that case -- just blow up the tyres."

[Edited on 5-4-2004 by sundoulos]

 

[sundoulos]

 

[Mary]

Not an Irish joke, but...

How do you sink a Polish submarine?

 

[blhowes]

[b:c05b8e2d9c]Mary wrote:[/b:c05b8e2d9c]
How do you sink a Polish submarine?

uzzled: I give up. How?

 

[Mary]

You swim down and knock on the door.

 

[sundoulos]

Eight years in submarines and I never heard that one. I love it!

 

[Mary]

[quote:7ff9ecd5d9]
Eight years in submarines and I never heard that one. I love it!
[/quote:7ff9ecd5d9]

Thank you! Thank you! You're a great audience! I perform here nightly!

Seriously, I can only remember 1 joke at a time, and that's my entire repertoire for right now. Eventually I'll hear one I like better and forget this one...

Mary :bs2:

 

[bigheavyq]

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

To another bar

 

[bigheavyq]

An Irish man is driving home late one night and a policeman pulls him over.
The cop comes to his window and says "Mr. McGinty, your drunk and swerving all over the road."
To which he replies "saints be praised, I thought the steering had gone.

 

[LawrenceU]

How have I missed this thread? As a dyed in the wool Scot (you'll get that one if your a descendant of highlanders) my family thrives on Irish jokes. Of course the biggest jokes are the Irish!

**How do you tell the Irish submarines?

They are the ones with the screen doors on them.

**How do you find a sober Irishman?

Go to a morgue at night.

**How do the Irish herd sheep?

They dain't. That's the cause of the reeking sweaters.

 

[bigheavyq]

An Irishman is walking home late one night after many drinks at the bar.
As he's stumbling around, a beat cop comes to him and says,
"Now, what would you be doin' at 3 o'clock in the mornin' "
"I'm goin to a lecture"
"So, just who is giving a lecture now"
"Me wife"

 

[cupotea]

the most famous one ever is:

Q.: Why did God invent Whiskey?

A.: To prevent the Irish from taking over the whole world.

One of my favorite lines from a movie is the one from "Michael Collins" where the British officer, being presented with a roomful of IRA 'soldiers' singing some Irish song at the top of their lungs, says, "D**mned Irish, you can't get them to talk, but they'll sing at the drop of a hat."

I'm of British-Welsh extraction, so, for me, the Irish are fair game.

 

[Irishcat922]

Guinness

After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

 

[Ivan]

Originally posted by CajunBibleBeliever
[quote:e858bc7170][i:e858bc7170]Originally posted by Paul manata[/i:e858bc7170]
how many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [/quote:e858bc7170]

It depends if they are Baptist. If they are Irish Baptist, then the answer would be an entire congregation. A Committee on Committees made up of 5 members has to create a Building and Grounds Committee made up of 5 members and a Finance Committee made up of 5 members. The Building & Grounds Committee has to consult the Finance Committee if their is money in the budget. If their is money in the budget, then the request needs to be presented to the church at its quarterly business meeting. A majority vote is then required by the membership to give the Building and Grounds Committee authorization to purchase the light bulb.

By that time, a little old lady who is a charter member borrowed her son's ladder and changed it herself.

Ain't it the truth!!

Thank God for those little old ladies!

 

[Ivan]

You guys are a hoot!!! Politically correctness OUT THE DOOR!!!

I'm of German-Irish descent (now there's a deadly combination).

Any good German jokes?

 

[Ivan]

Originally posted by Paul manata
Knock Knock

Who's there?

Gestapo

Gestapo who?

Ve Vill ask ze Questions!

This one is funny! The first one was BRUTAL!!!

 

[Ivan]

Originally posted by Paul manata
how did the germans conquer Poland?

The marched in backwards and the polish thought they were leaving

BTW, what is the picture behind you in your atavar?

 

[cupotea]

A French Joke:

Q.: Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in Paris?

A.: Because the Germans like to march in the shade.

 

[Authorised]

What do you get when you mix a Jew and a Pole?

A janitor that owns the building.