How can we encourage our nephew?

[moselle]

Our 19yo nephew has recently been taken to Bible College. He's pretty much a mess - has attempted college twice already, can't keep a job, and as for his spiritual condition, well, we don't think he's a good place. I'm guessing his grandfather (who is a retired minister) has pushed him into it to keep him from joining the military.

So we got an email from grandpa today asking us to email Justin because he's been at college a week and is terribly homesick. He calls his mom 10 times a day and texts his step-dad too many times to count. We're talking co-dependency on steriods. We just don't know how to word any type of honest encouragement for him - we don't have a close relationship and we don't think he's saved.

Thank you for any suggestions you may have. This is very new territory for us.

 

[Berean]

He's been "taken to Bible College"? And he's 19 years old and calls his Mom 10 times a day? Joining the military (assuming the DI could whip him into shape and cut the apron-strings) might have been the best route. He may be in need of psychiatric counseling.

 

[jjraby]

He's been "taken to Bible College"? And he's 19 years old and calls his Mom 10 times a day? Joining the military (assuming the DI could whip him into shape and cut the apron-strings) might have been the best route. He may be in need of psychiatric counseling.

yes, this sounds like some sort of therapy is needed. there is apparently some deep seeded issues that will take more than encouraging to deal with.

 

[BJClark]

Many kids get terribly homesick when they are away from home, my daughter calls home as often as she can..which can be 10 times a day or more, and sometimes less..it all depends...

I realize you said you don't know him very well, so take the time to ask him some things about himself, like what is he interested in? Does HE want to go in the Military? (he's 19, he doesn't need his parents permission if that is what he wants to do) If he could do any job what would it be? And what would it take for him to get there?

If he doesn't want to be in Bible College, he will fail out of this too..

And why is it co-dependency that he wants to talk to his mom or step-dad? typically those are not bad things, unless he's just afraid of leaving home..then it would be more of finding out why he's afraid...and encouraging him that Christ is with him even though his parents are not..

Things you might ask: Has he talked to an academic adviser? has he taken a career assessment type test that may help him find something he's interested in, and that could maybe point him in some type of direction for what he would want to do..

 

[Jack K]

Sounds like he already has too many people telling him what to do. Maybe your job needs to be to listen well, and to make you you don't give any advice at all no matter how tempting it may be.

Another thought... Depending on the Bible college, some of those places can be seriously bad news. He could end up feeling completely unacceptable in the company of believers. Make sure he always feels accepted in your company.

 

[puritanpilgrim]

Maybe he should go to a school closer to home. He may also be struggling with continuing to do something when it's no longer new and exciting, which leads him to withdraw when things become difficult. Except for the calling home so much, this really isn't that uncommon.

 

[moselle]

Many kids get terribly homesick when they are away from home, my daughter calls home as often as she can..which can be 10 times a day or more, and sometimes less..it all depends...

I realize you said you don't know him very well, so take the time to ask him some things about himself, like what is he interested in? Does HE want to go in the Military? (he's 19, he doesn't need his parents permission if that is what he wants to do) If he could do any job what would it be? And what would it take for him to get there?

If he doesn't want to be in Bible College, he will fail out of this too..

And why is it co-dependency that he wants to talk to his mom or step-dad? typically those are not bad things, unless he's just afraid of leaving home..then it would be more of finding out why he's afraid...and encouraging him that Christ is with him even though his parents are not..

Things you might ask: Has he talked to an academic adviser? has he taken a career assessment type test that may help him find something he's interested in, and that could maybe point him in some type of direction for what he would want to do..

Those are some good suggestions - his family (my SIL and In-laws) really are fairly messed up emotionally, physically, mentally, legally, etc. We can't figure out how he was accepted into college or how they are paying for it (or his phone bill!?). Based on what I know of them, I'd say co-dependency is a major understatement. I do believe he wanted to join the military but SIL and In-laws were against it. Too bad - it might have helped him a lot.

I don't have much hope for the college itself - it's a purely ministerial college (AoG)and while my nephew may be saved, I've never seen any evidence for it. (I get the feeling Grandpa is hoping Bible College will act as a reform school for him.) His mom tried to homeschool him at one point, but that didn't work. He couldn't handle being in high school and eventually dropped out and took the GED. He's tried a local community college and then an online university. He was showing some promise as a ski/snowboard instructor, but was fired for some reason. He's been fired from or quit pretty much every job he's had within a month of starting.

So, now it's Bible college. I can see how he may need some serious assurance that God will not abandon him. His grandfather's method of encouragement is to tell him that God has an incredible life in store for him and he's going to be the next Benny Hinn or Joel Osteen.

Thank's for the suggestions, everyone - they really do help. I'm hoping he'll email back so we can keep in contact, even if he leaves school.

 

[Zenas]

Despicable presumption. If God so saw fit, he'd be pennyless and homeless. As it stands, he appears to be heading in just such a direction.

I have held back my cynical views as to child rearing but I feel as if they might be a bit liberating so I'll voice them. In my unsubstantiated opinion based sheerly on anecdotal experience, if a child has not been well raised by the point they hit pre-teen years, the battle is over because the battle is lost, barring some providence of God. His parents might as well pack it up and quit wasting their time and let him join the military. The best thing they can do is recognize their failure to raise him well and let him join the military in my opinion.

Right now, they're trying to force a round peg into a tetrahexagonal hole by trying to make an unbeliever whose upbringing has not equipped him for life by trying to treat him as a believer equipped to handle college and the workforce. It won't work. Hippopotamuses don't become German shepherds simply because you believe it and treat them like one- they remain hippopotamuses.

What can you do? Be available and pray for him. I've known children in similar situations and I wish I had more time to spend with them. Occasionally, they're craving discipline, boundaries and the security that they bring, as opposed to the incomprehensible chaos that their parents provide. I've seen children who've gone to jail for one reason or another obey the simle commands of my wife because my wife makes it clear that (1) she's cares what happens to them; and (2) she's asking them to do something as a result of that. If he comes to you, be positive. I'm not saying ignore the stupid things that he's done (what his parents seem to do), nor am I saying give him a false sense of things (what his grandfather seems to do), but be realistically honest and caring for him. The military is not a quick fix. It's a place of strict discipline, structure, and rules. He may be wanting that though. Thus far, he's shown he isn't responsible enough to handle life on his own off at college. I was the same way. God's providence intervened for me.

 

[Andres]

why does the family assume he needs to go to college? It's definitely not for everyone and it may not be for everyone right away. He's a grown man so I say let him choose what he does with his life. the best thing you can do for him is pray for him and his parents.

 

[Zenas]

Definitely agree. God has called some men to be welders, mechanics, glass workers, etc. Each is a valuable calling and each is necessary to society, not to mention that they pay well with less schooling.

Another option is the railroad. There are locomotive conductors and engineers that make 6 figures with only a high school degree or less. They also have better health benefits than I do and one of the best retirement plans available. Of course, they work 10 hour days as well and it's not really packed full of believers.

 

[Montanablue]

This kid sounds like my brother before he joined the military.

 

[Leslie Koster]

You can open a line of discussion with the Lad. Let him know you are thinking of him then start asking questions that are non offensive. Open the door for him to communicate with you on any subject just by saying "hey whats up". Have understanding and compassion for him and let it been visible in your letters. If you feel the need to talk God with him make it so he sees it as an option and not something that is demanded of him. Ask questions on his campus life. Is he is involved in any groups? Whats the food like? I know this sounds childish but if he is home sick and still attached to the "apron" then this line of questioning won't seem that way to him. Be interested in him and what he wants. This will also give you opportunity to have deeper discussion as time goes on.