Honoring the Unhonorable

[blhowes]

Mat 15:4 For God commanded, saying, Honor thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death.

Eph 6:2 Honor thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;

How we treat parents and those in authority over us is important. What are ways that we can honor them? Dishonor them? What does it mean to honor them?

Rom 13:7 Render therefore to all their dues: tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor.

Does honoring them have anything to do with their worthiness for honor? (some people, though wretched sinners, act honorably, benevolently, etc).

For many, its easy to honor their parents. Their parents provided for them over the years and acted as responsible parents. Some also brought them to church, taught them about God at home, and were basically godly examples "worthy" of honor.

But what about those whose parents were abusive, in varying degrees? The parents acted dishonorably over a period of years, the children grow up hating them because of the abuse. What is the child's responsibility (when their grown up) to their abusive parent with regard to honoring them?

 

[BobVigneault]

Yes, if you are a believer you are to honor your parents regardless of situation or character. My dad was an adulterer and a drunk. I honored him til he died.

 

[blhowes]

Originally posted by BobVigneault
Yes, if you are a believer you are to honor your parents regardless of situation or character. My dad was an adulterer and a drunk. I honored him til he died.

Bob,
How does that 'play out' in real life? What are some ways that we should show them honor? We show them honor by not speaking badly of them. Is there more we should do?

 

[Laura]

I found Matthew Henry on Matt. 15:4 helpful:

The sin of cursing parents is here opposed to the duty of honouring them. Those who speak ill of their parents, or wish ill to them, who mock at them, or give them taunting and opprobrious language, break this law. If to call a brother Raca be so penal, what is it to call a father so? By our Saviour's application of this law, it appears, that denying service or relief to parents is included in cursing them. Though the language be respectful enough, and nothing abusive in it, yet what will that avail, if the deeds be not agreeable?

Though it's certainly not a situation like Bob V's, I have to judge quite often that pleasing (as distinct from honoring) my parents, though they are professed believers, necessitates displeasing God. I'd appreciate any further advice or commentary on the passages Bob Howes is putting before us.

Also consider (and please share insights into!) Jesus' words in Mark 3:31-35--

And his mother and his brothers came, and standing outside they sent to him and called him. And a crowd was sitting around him, and they said to him, "Your mother and your brothers are outside, seeking you." And he answered them, "Who are my mother and my brothers?" And looking about at those who sat around him, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother."

[Edited on 5-22-2006 by Laura]

 

[BobVigneault]

Bob H.,
The practical outworking would be indicated by the definition of honor as scripture uses it. Honor is manifested in our expression, whether it be verbal or acted our, of anothers value. We honor our spouses by doing something to express their value and worth to us. It is no differenct with our parents.

1Cor 13, though giving a definition of love is also a list of practices and virtues used in showing honor to the one we love.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

By God's grace and through the power of the Holy Spirit we can love an abusive parent.


Let me tell you a story of how this worked out in my life. When I was 16 and a new believer I caught my dad with another woman and I confronted him on it. He responded by telling me that my mother was have an affair with a hippie that lived in a car in the junk yard. Fantastic story yet I knew that one of my parents were lying to me. I was so torn. I called my pastor and he came and picked me up. I told him the story and that I didn't know what to do because one of parents were lying to me. He asked me, "What does the Bible tell you to do?" I answered, "I am to honor them." He replied, "Bob, a tremendous burden has just been lifted off of you. You don't have to determine who is lying, you only need to love them both because God tells you to." He was so right. I explained to each of my parents that I didn't want them to tell us kids anymore stories about each other. I was going to love them both no matter what.

The real test came back within the year. I was returning home from a bible study with a friend. As I arrived home my grandfather met me at the door and tried to get me to go away. I pushed past him into our house and it looked like a bomb had gone off. My dad in a sustained fit of rage took a sledge hammer and destroyed everything of value. The color tv, the stereo, the dining room set, the end tables, chairs, lamps, he even punch holes through the walls. He left us nothing. All the anger I kept inside began to surface. I thought on all the times he made my little sisters listen to the horible names he would call my mother, and all his girlfriends. I vowed then I would find him and kill him. I searched for 3 days but the Lord would not let our paths cross. Finally I saw him just across the street from me and my anger raged. I started across the street and when I got to the center of the road something happened and I'm not sure how to explain it. I felt like I was struck but it was on the inside. A supernatural love came over me, as I looked at my dad I could only feel pity and compassion. I ran to him and grabbed his hand and ask him if he was ok. After that, I never had a problem honoring my dad.

Unfortunately I still carried the bitterness inside and so when I got to college with great plans of being a pastor I realized I still carried a lot of baggage. As I learned I would have to deal with abused wives and children I realized that I was a long way from being fit enough to help those victims. I left school early knowing that the Lord would have to heal those wounds before I would be ready to minister.

 

[BobVigneault]

Laura,
It's a good thing to caution ourselves over and over about trying to form a doctrine or formal teaching regarding the gospel narratives. The gospels were written with the purpose of helping us toward belief and chronicling the sayings of Christ. Christ's response regarding covenantal relationships was not supposed to be a teaching on honoring or dishonoring your mother. It would be reckless to try and make his response fit a doctrine of parental honoring. We do know that he honored his mother even from the cross as he made John responsible for her well-being.

We should look to the proverbs, the law and the epistles for teaching regarding our parents and what we owe them.

 

[Laura]

Thanks, Bob. I will remember that.

 

[VirginiaHuguenot]

There is a good sermon by John Milward on Rom. 12.21 "Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good" called How Ought We to Do Our Duty Toward Others, Though They Do Not Theirs Toward Us? found in Puritans Sermons 1659 - 1689, Vol. III. It helps to recall that God loved us before we loved him, yea; while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. Truly, love covers a multitude of sins. We are called to love our enemies, even as God loved us from before the foundation of the world.

How Christ would have gathered Jerusalem like a hen gathers her chicks under her wings! How the Lord stretched out his hands all day long to a disobedient and gainsaying people! How the riches of God's goodness and mercy should lead men to repentence!

There is a time to speak and a time to be silent. It is the better part of wisdom to not cast our pearls before swine. Yet, the world will know we are Christians by our love. And love overcomes evil. It may suffer long, but it is patient and kind, it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts. God grant that it be made manifest to the world, even the most difficult people to be around in our lives, whether they be family (time is short for us all, the world is a colder place when they are gone) or not, those that are not worthy. For as Paul Newman said to Robert Redford, "Neither are we."

[Edited on 6-22-2006 by VirginiaHuguenot]

 

[Puritanhead]

On behalf of children everywhere, I want to point out this verse... as too many forget to look at the flip-side of the coin:

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
"”Colossians 3:21

 

[ServantofGod]

Originally posted by Puritanhead
On behalf of children everywhere, I want to point out this verse... as too many forget to look at the flip-side of the coin:

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
"”Colossians 3:21

I get very different veiws from people on what that verse means. Does anybody here have any takes on it?

 

[ReformedWretch]

It means what it says. Fathers are to raise their children in such a way as to not discourage them. This doesn't give childrent he excuse to act like fools if fathers do not honor it, but fathers who do not will answer to God for their disobedience.

 

[LarryCook]

Originally posted by blhowes
Mat 15:4 For God commanded, saying, Honor thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death.

Eph 6:2 Honor thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;

How we treat parents and those in authority over us is important. What are ways that we can honor them? Dishonor them? What does it mean to honor them?

Rom 13:7 Render therefore to all their dues: tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor.

Does honoring them have anything to do with their worthiness for honor? (some people, though wretched sinners, act honorably, benevolently, etc).

For many, its easy to honor their parents. Their parents provided for them over the years and acted as responsible parents. Some also brought them to church, taught them about God at home, and were basically godly examples "worthy" of honor.

But what about those whose parents were abusive, in varying degrees? The parents acted dishonorably over a period of years, the children grow up hating them because of the abuse. What is the child's responsibility (when their grown up) to their abusive parent with regard to honoring them?

I nominate Bob for the most well thought out questions award. Bob, it's always a pleasure reading your posts.

Larry