Friendship/Fellowship with a Nominal Christian

[Sensus Divinitas]

I have a longtime friend who would certainly name Christ but he doesn't attend church (never really has), shows no fruit in his life, and, honestly, just doesn't have a credible profession of faith. Christianity is more akin to an ethical system for him. Anyways, he recently moved into a house with his girlfriend. They have invited me to a "housewarming" party. I feel conflicted about going as it almost seems like it would be endorsing their behavior. On the other hand, continuing the friendship (while never for a moment compromising my own views) does at least allow me the opportunity to share the gospel with this fellow. I know if I refuse to attend the party, it would effectively kill the friendship as it would be seen as being judgmental, etc.

Am I making too big a deal about this? I would honestly like to know if I'm wrong.

 

[Leslie]

I don't think attending implies your endorsing their lifestyle.

 

[Sensus Divinitas]

I don't think attending implies your endorsing their lifestyle.

And I can see that. I guess maybe my area of hesitation arises from the fact that this person is a so-called brother versus your average pagan. I appreciate your reply.

 

[jambo]

I would go to the party and enjoy it. You presence does not endorse their lifestyle. As you build relationships with people they can see how important and real your faith is. This I think speaks volumes to nominal "Christians." It might take a long time but we are often simply links in a chain that the Lord uses to reach people. Christians are the salt of the earth and salt is only effective when sprinkled over food.

 

[One Little Nail]

Personally I think you should not go as it will give the appearance of Evil, in that it looks that you will be approving their behaviour or at the very least not condemning it, you should tell your your friend that as a christian you regard a man &
woman co-inhabiting outside of wedlock as a sin & that he should repent from this behaviour "open rebuke is better than secret love" brother.

This next part has more relevance as your friend has professed to be a christian, the Apostle Paul quite plainly said

1 Cor 5:9 I wrote unto you in an epistle not to company with fornicators:

& also

1 Cor 5:11 But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.

these are the verse's that are directly relevant to your situation, if you obey God you will receive the reward, pray that he will give you the courage to obey his word, as I will for you.

 

[Cymro]

Got to agree with Robert, we ought to give heed to the plain guidance of scripture.
This is a test of your love and concern for him, and his estimation and value of you, the days of compromise
of our principles are over. It was MaCheyne who stated, 'what the world needs to see is my personal holiness.'
"Faithfull are the wounds of a friend." "Iron sharpeneth iron, so a man sharpeneth the countenance of a friend."
It is easy for us to give counsel, but hard for you to effect it. May the Lord give you grace and wisdom in
your handling of the matter.

 

[SolaScriptura]

I know if I refuse to attend the party, it would effectively kill the friendship as it would be seen as being judgmental, etc.

This is the line that stuck out to me. If the nature of your relationship with this "longtime friend" (as you call him) is such that you can't be honest with him about your beliefs in this matter, then there is a problem. Why would not going "effectively kill" the relationship? Does he not know where you stand? If he does, and yet he invited you anyway, it seems like he's throwing down a gauntlet.

 

[Reformed Covenanter]

Anyways, he recently moved into a house with his girlfriend. They have invited me to a "housewarming" party. I feel conflicted about going as it almost seems like it would be endorsing their behavior.

Is there not some way you can politely tell them that you will not be attending without effectively ending the friendship. Going to such a party would, to my mind, appear to be giving approval to their sin. I say this because you are not merely going to his house for a meal with a man who happens to live with a woman who is not his wife, but you are actually attending a party which is celebrating their sin in living together before marriage.

 

[Free Christian]

Hi Michael. If I was invited to a party these days I would ask myself "what kind of party is this going to be?" Are the majority of people there also Christian or is it likely to be one where people will be getting drunk and behaving in ways that would be offensive to myself and my wife and against the things I believe in?
These days I don't do parties other than family ones or ones that are Christian.

 

[Miss Marple]

It being a "housewarming," I wouldn't go. If I were simply invited to watch a ball game, I would. The difference there is that it seems to me a "housewarming" involves a celebration of the two moving into their house together, which is a sin given what that means with them.

 

[Sensus Divinitas]

This is the line that stuck out to me. If the nature of your relationship with this "longtime friend" (as you call him) is such that you can't be honest with him about your beliefs in this matter, then there is a problem. Why would not going "effectively kill" the relationship? Does he not know where you stand? If he does, and yet he invited you anyway, it seems like he's throwing down a gauntlet.

Good question. He is a longtime friend and I have always been honest with him about my beliefs. The reason why I think it would harm the relationship so much is that in the past whenever we have had conversations over issues where I felt compelled by the Word and conscience to either decline an event (like a party where I knew drunkenness would ensue) or lovingly offer a rebuke over certain behaviors, it has not gone well. It's followed by typical accusations of being judgmental and self-righteous. So I just know that this issue in particular would probably end the friendship. Of course, I would rather speak the truth and stand firm that preserve a friendship. I have to believe he knows where I stand on this issue. Maybe this is his way of forcing the issue. I don't know.

 

[Sensus Divinitas]

Is there not some way you can politely tell them that you will not be attending without effectively ending the friendship. Going to such a party would, to my mind, appear to be giving approval to their sin. I say this because you are not merely going to his house for a meal with a man who happens to live with a woman who is not his wife, but you are actually attending a party which is celebrating their sin in living together before marriage.

I agree that the nature of this particular get-together is part of the problem. It's specifically a housewarming party which I think seems to endorse the behavior. I will think over how to best approach the issue in a polite and loving manner. I guess that's all I can do as I cannot control his response.

 

[Sensus Divinitas]

Hi Michael. If I was invited to a party these days I would ask myself "what kind of party is this going to be?" Are the majority of people there also Christian or is it likely to be one where people will be getting drunk and behaving in ways that would be offensive to myself and my wife and against the things I believe in?
These days I don't do parties other than family ones or ones that are Christian.

Good point to bring up. I usually don't attend parties for that same reason. In this instance, it would be mostly non-believers but I don't think people will be getting drunk or the like. Probably just food and games.

 

[Sensus Divinitas]

It being a "housewarming," I wouldn't go. If I were simply invited to watch a ball game, I would. The difference there is that it seems to me a "housewarming" involves a celebration of the two moving into their house together, which is a sin given what that means with them.

That's what I was thinking as well. It seems like it being specifically a "housewarming" party causes an issue. Thanks for the comment.

 

[Sensus Divinitas]

Thank you, Jeff. It is a hard decision but you are absolutely right: we must stand firm on principles.

 

[Sensus Divinitas]

This next part has more relevance as your friend has professed to be a christian, the Apostle Paul quite plainly said

1 Cor 5:9 I wrote unto you in an epistle not to company with fornicators:

& also

1 Cor 5:11 But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.

these are the verse's that are directly relevant to your situation, if you obey God you will receive the reward, pray that he will give you the courage to obey his word, as I will for you.

That text in particular was the one I was wrestling with, but it's pretty straight forward. Thanks.

 

[chuckd]

Personally I think you should not go as it will give the appearance of Evil, in that it looks that you will be approving their behaviour or at the very least not condemning it, you should tell your your friend that as a christian you regard a man & woman co-inhabiting outside of wedlock as a sin & that he should repent from this behaviour "open rebuke is better than secret love" brother.

This next part has more relevance as your friend has professed to be a christian, the Apostle Paul quite plainly said

1 Cor 5:9 I wrote unto you in an epistle not to company with fornicators:

& also

1 Cor 5:11 But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.

these are the verse's that are directly relevant to your situation, if you obey God you will receive the reward, pray that he will give you the courage to obey his word, as I will for you.

I would think the text teaches he shouldn't be friends with this person at all, much less attend the party.

 

[JimmyH]

Back in the 1980s I used to attend a weekly Bible study comprised of people from a twelve step program, but not associated with that program. The leader of the study was an Episcopal minister who focused on the love of God, avoiding any mention of sanctification, or the wrath of God.

Two of the weekly attendees were a young man and women who lived together. One week I brought up one of Paul's admonitions condemning 'fornicators and idolaters'. The young lady, asked what a fornicator was, and upon hearing the definition became very upset and exclaimed, "But we're not married, does that make us fornicators ?"

There was silence in the room until I replied to the affirmative. They were married within a very short time following that night and, last I heard, still are. Point being, perhaps if you were to make them aware of their state while they were both together, rather than just telling your male friend, it might be beneficial for all concerned.

 

[Jack K]

1 Cor 5:11 But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.

We've had several discussions here in the past about this verse, involving similar situations. Some, myself included, have maintained that the verse has to do with keeping the purity of the church. If your friend is not part of a church, then that isn't really an issue and the verse does not directly apply. The fact that he claims to be a Christian hardly has the same weight in Colorado, where half the population is culturally "Christian," as it did in ancient Corinth. I don't think you have to take steps to protect the purity of the church where there is no church involved.

I say you should think of your friend as an unbeliever, regardless of what he might claim. You want to avoid endorsing sin. But at the same time, none of us should expect that unbelievers will live godly lives. When we befriend an unbeliever, we do so expecting that there will be times he sins openly and without remorse. Friendship requires us to point him to Christ rather than constantly point out his sinful lifestyle, which obviously won't change unless he comes to faith. To that end, I think you're free to attend the party as a friend if you feel you can do so without endorsing his sin. The fact that the party supposedly celebrates something sinful may mean you don't feel that's workable... but if you can work that out, you shouldn't think it's automatically wrong to be there.

 

[jambo]

Jesus went to the homes of the Pharisees and Sadducees to eat with them but that did not mean he was endorsing their beliefs. He was called the friend of sinners which again meant his association with such people without condoning their sinful lifestyle.

A year ago my oldest son moved in with his girlfriend but that has not stopped me doing a couple of wee electrical jobs for them. I do not like that he has done the but I am not going to force my theology on him. He knows my views and he respects them and I respect that his values are not our values.

It would appear that your friend is not really a Christian at all so I would be inclined to build up the relationship with him and trust the Lord will bless your witness and example to him. Things we do today which seem small and insignificant, can become significant in years to come.

Recently I met a former neighbour whom I have not seen since he moved house 20 years ago. He is RC yet he could remember a discussion that we had before he left and what I said to him. Although I remember discussing theology with him I cannot remember any detail of what I said, yet he was able to outline the points I made after all this time. People do not forget impressions you make upon them and the Lord can use them like links in a chain.

I know most so far have recommended not to go but if it was me I would go, even to be a light in darkness.

 

[Sensus Divinitas]

We've had several discussions here in the past about this verse, involving similar situations. Some, myself included, have maintained that the verse has to do with keeping the purity of the church. If your friend is not part of a church, then that isn't really an issue and the verse does not directly apply. The fact that he claims to be a Christian hardly has the same weight in Colorado, where half the population is culturally "Christian," as it did in ancient Corinth. I don't think you have to take steps to protect the purity of the church where there is no church involved.

If I remember correctly, Calvin's commentary on 1 Cor 5:11 argues it has to do with the purity of the church. So you're in good company.

To that end, I think you're free to attend the party as a friend if you feel you can do so without endorsing his sin. The fact that the party supposedly celebrates something sinful may mean you don't feel that's workable... but if you can work that out, you shouldn't think it's automatically wrong to be there.

And that's what I'm wrestling with. I appreciate your comments. They have been quite helpful.

 

[Sensus Divinitas]

I know most so far have recommended not to go but if it was me I would go, even to be a light in darkness.

And I appreciate your dissenting view as well. My initial thought was to not attend so I appreciate those challenging that as well.

 

[Alan D. Strange]

Michael:

Much good counsel has been given here and I don't need to repeat it.

I would offer this additional consideration: you might wish to reconceive how you view this person. You call him a friend, but if he has no real expression of the Christian faith in his life (he is unchurched, has no credible profession, no fruit--all your description of him), and this friendship is not a two-way street (your not going might end the friendship, he finds your expression of Christian conviction to be self-righteous and judgmental--again, your description), then I think that you need to be honest and not see this as a friendship between two Christians, but as your seeking to befriend someone who needs to come to Christ and is presently on the road to perdition.

What difference does it make how you view this? Well, if he were a Christian friend under the censure of the church, you would have your answer about going over to his house and hanging out with him at a party (as several have noted with respect to I Corinthians 5). As it is, he appears simply to be an unbeliever, and any unbelievers that we befriend should be viewed as those whom we would desire to come to Christ, and so we engage them in that way. As long as he knows what your position is (that you don't condone his living situation), you can continue to relate to him, because his real problem is not that he lives with his girlfriend, or anything else of that sort, but that he does not know Jesus Christ.

Your desire for him is not the relative good of marriage (which I agree would be better than his present arrangement--WCF 16.7), but that he come to Christ and partake of Him as He is freely offered in the gospel. I think that clarifying these matters in your mind will help you in all the ways that you relate to him, including in this situation. No friend in the full sense of the word ends the friendship because the other tells him the truth. You can't let him define the relationship in this way. You need to decide as a follower of Christ whether you will continue this relationship and then seek to do so, if you decide to continue it, as one in which you are holding out the gospel to an unbeliever.

Peace,
Alan

 

[Miss Marple]

Jack, I enjoy your counsel and reasoning, but what I wonder is how far would we go?

For instance, our "friend" moves in with another male friend for a homosexual liasion; or our "friend" has a party celebrating his second or third "wife" moving in. . . is there a point where our attendance stops, and if so, where is it?

 

[Jerusalem Blade]

Hello Michael,

I have a different sort of suggestion. Why not bring a nice Bible as your "house-warming" present to the "couple"? You might even bring a card with the service times to the church you are attending. You might also say, "Seeing as this is getting serious, and children may even possibly ensue from this relationship, I earnestly desire you both come to know the Saviour of the world, receive the forgiveness of sins, and when this life is done inherit the eternal life He gives to those who follow Him in truth. As your friend I can give you no better gift (along with my prayers for both of you), or better counsel."

I've been kicked out of people's homes before for speaking on this wise, but at least the bone of contention between you will be clear as day. Nor have you condemned them in the slightest.

 

[Alan D. Strange]

Steve:

I think that's excellent! Michael, if you conceive of your friend in the way that I suggest (a sinner in need of Christ), I think that what Steve has counseled here would be a wonderful way of approaching him.

I can't think of a better reason to get kicked out of a house--if that's what happens--not for coming to condemn (those who don't believe are condemned already), but for having and taking what might be the best opportunity you've had to share the gospel with your friend in a most loving and powerful way.

Peace,
Alan

 

[Sensus Divinitas]

Hello Michael,

I have a different sort of suggestion. Why not bring a nice Bible as your "house-warming" present to the "couple"? You might even bring a card with the service times to the church you are attending. You might also say, "Seeing as this is getting serious, and children may even possibly ensue from this relationship, I earnestly desire you both come to know the Saviour of the world, receive the forgiveness of sins, and when this life is done inherit the eternal life He gives to those who follow Him in truth. As your friend I can give you no better gift (along with my prayers for both of you), or better counsel."

I've been kicked out of people's homes before for speaking on this wise, but at least the bone of contention between you will be clear as day. Nor have you condemned them in the slightest.

An excellent suggestion, Steve.

 

[Reformed Roman]

Hello Michael,

I have a different sort of suggestion. Why not bring a nice Bible as your "house-warming" present to the "couple"? You might even bring a card with the service times to the church you are attending. You might also say, "Seeing as this is getting serious, and children may even possibly ensue from this relationship, I earnestly desire you both come to know the Saviour of the world, receive the forgiveness of sins, and when this life is done inherit the eternal life He gives to those who follow Him in truth. As your friend I can give you no better gift (along with my prayers for both of you), or better counsel."

I've been kicked out of people's homes before for speaking on this wise, but at least the bone of contention between you will be clear as day. Nor have you condemned them in the slightest.

This did make me chuckle, and I admit I at first thought of it as a great idea.

But then I thought it over some more. You already have a close friendship with him. You can talk to him privately anytime and share your care and love for him and give him the gospel. I think that would show far more care and love than doing it in the middle of a party full of people. I don't think it would show the worth of the gospel, I think instead it would just show lack of care and consideration. Of course nobody likes you giving the gospel at any time, but putting someone on the spot like that in front of everyone doesn't seem as considerate.

Now I think you can give a bold stance, go, and even get him a Bible, and just say that the words of life are in that book, and considering they will have kids soon it would be foundational for them. It would be taking a firm stance, showing the love of Christ, and it may convict him to read later.

I just think when your giving the gospel to someone, and putting them in a social embarrassment situation at the same time, it might not be the best time, ESPECIALLY when you can just give him the gospel after the party or when you are both talking alone.

Hopefully that makes sense. I even approve of preaching on the streets, and don't even disapprove of gospel tracts. I just think if you already have a relationship, I think it's best to be tactful, and I think it would show the most love for him by doing so and giving him the gospel in full at another time. Hopefully that makes sense. There is a small way to give him a short gospel without embarrassing him, but if you go all out and give him a Bible, and give him the full on gospel spiel right there, it just seems pointless to me when you can convey it in a more loving manner at a different time.

 

[Free Christian]

Maybe he has a Bible. How about a "Confession of Faith" as a gift, as it is noted he does not have a credible "profession of faith"?