When is she too young?

[AThornquist]

Is there an age when a girl is "too young" for a man to be interested in future marriage? Or is there even a "proper" age to start courting?

Here is a situation to be more precise: a good, Christian family is very excited about me knowing their 16 year old girl because we have very similar desires in terms of family. If her father is excited about it because he wants his daughter to have a godly husband and he sees a young man (19 yr. old) who fits his standards, would 16, 17 or even 18 years old be too young for the girl to court?

Just a couple of thoughts I have on it thus far: I see no problem with a girl that age courting the right young man if she is mature enough for it. Historically she is at a perfect age, though culturally she is too young. I kind of hate my culture though, so I tend to lean historically...

 

[TaylorOtwell]

Seems to me that it would be something that is up to the parents of the young lady.

 

[OPC'n]

I don't see anything wrong with it as long as she is mature mentally and spiritually for her age, has a realistic outlook on relationships and marriage, you can see that she is properly obedient to God and her parents, and she sees to it that she finishes high school. Your age difference doesn't bother me as long as you have your family's blessing and her parents' blessing. I might take this time to get to know her as a sister in Christ and establish a deep spiritual relationship first. However, take my advice with a grain of salt! There are people here who will have better advice.

 

[AltogetherLovely]

I don't think it's about age as much as it is about marriage-ability if you will.

If the parents, the girl, or the guy think that marriage is more than 2 years away no matter how well a courtship goes, then beginning that process seems silly, and will only serve to inflame desires before their time.

It is conceivable to me this would allow for a (very unique!) 16-17 year old to begin courting. But a parent needs to believe that it will result in an acceptable marriage relatively quickly.


For the record, I think courtships can (and possibly should) be much shorter than that. But there has to at least be some upper limit on what a parent would allow as far as a timeline toward marriage.

 

[WarrenInSC]

I see no problem with a girl that age courting the right young man if she is mature enough for it. Historically she is at a perfect age, though culturally she is too young. I kind of hate my culture though, so I tend to lean historically...

Historically speaking, the reason younger ages were more common a 100-200+ years ago is because societies at that time had not created this 'extended adolescence' that deferred the responsibilities of adulthood, i.e. extend education through high school, then college years thus extending dependency on parents (and, unfortunately, gov't through loans and grants). It's not uncommon these days for folks in their mid-late 20's to have had less of the demands of adult responsibilities that kids at 17 did in the 1860's for instance. With the bearing of those 'harsh responsibilities of young adulthood' came social and emotional maturity that those of a similar or older age today lack. It would seem then that the question would not be so much one of age, but rather one of having experienced the 'harsh responsibilities of young adulthood' with, hopefully, the resultant growth in social and emotional maturity. Don't have any scripture to cite here - just responding based on your appeal to history and culture.

 

[kvanlaan]

Not sure - if someone came to me for my 16-yr-old daughter's hand, he better have all his ducks in a row before he opens his mouth. If she had the maturity, and he had the maturity, I don't know that I could find a biblical injunction against it (no matter how hard I tried - and I'd probably be getting my hands on every commentary I was able to!)

 

[Montanablue]

Of course, its up to the girl's parents. They ultimately have the last word and I am sure that you would respect that.

However, I would warn you to be careful about dating/courting a girl so young with the intention of marrying her. I would assume that her parents wouldn't want her married until she was 18 and people (especially girls) change A LOT between 16 and 18. I was a very very different person at 18 than I was at 16. What she wants at 18 is probably going to be very different than what she wants at 16. If you decide to pursue this, you should be ready for that. I witnessed a couple of my friends break it off with guys they thought they were going to marry because they changed and decided that they wanted to wait longer/go to college etc. And some of them just completely changed what they were looking for. Also don't assume that just because her parents are excited about you that she is excited about you! Again, not be anecdotal, but one of my guy friends started seeing a younger lady and discovered a few months into it that she had been pushed into it by her parents. She had little interest, and was really just going along with it to please them. You don't want that either! I, personally, always get a little nervous when parents are really excited about a prospective relationship, but you're not hearing much from the child...

I have 2 younger brothers, and I would counsel them to be very very careful in a situation like this. Although its true that people used to get married much younger, we now live in a very different culture, and like it or not, it effects us. I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying be careful.

 

[LadyFlynt]

It really depends on the individuals and her parents.


My husband and I started courting (yes, with the intent to later marry) when I was 15 1/2 and he was just turning 18. We married at 19 and 21 1/2. I do NOT recommend a 2yr engagement

 

[Montanablue]

Not sure - if someone came to me for my 16-yr-old daughter's hand, he better have all his ducks in a row before he opens his mouth. If she had the maturity, and he had the maturity, I don't know that I could find a biblical injunction against it (no matter how hard I tried - and I'd probably be getting my hands on every commentary I was able to!)

This made me laugh, because a young man approached my father about my sister when she was 17, and this was his exact response. Fortunately, my sister had absolutely no interest in dating at such a young age, so my dad didn't have to pore through commentaries!

-----Added 5/25/2009 at 11:34:54 EST-----

My husband and I started courting (yes, with the intent to later marry) when I was 15 1/2 and he was just turning 18. We married at 19 and 21 1/2. I do NOT recommend a 2yr engagement

I had friends who had a 3 year engagement. I actually do not know how they managed it. I hope to heaven that I don't have to have one that's more than six months. Props to you, JC, I don't know if I could do it!

 

[Idelette]

I tend to agree with Kathleen, I think it is best to be cautious and wait a bit before you make any decisions. You are both still pretty young, and both of you will change drastically within the next few years. As others have said, maturity is a huge factor....as well as the blessing of the parents. But, if you are seriously considering her for marriage, then I would first examine yourself...and make sure that you are ready spiritually to lead and guide, and to provide for a family. I've seen so many young people today that are in such a rush to get married, but few understand the weight of marriage and the many responsibilities that come along with it. And I'm not saying that you aren't ready, but I would just caution you to examine yourself first before you even consider this young woman.

 

[Calvinist Cowboy]

Do you believe that you are ready, Andrew, to care for another person? Are you able to provide for her physical, emotional, and spiritual needs? If so, then (with her parents' permission) go ahead in a courtship.

My advice would be to pray. Then to pray again. After you're done, get advice from trusted mentors. Then talk to her parents. If they believe that this is a good idea, then go ahead.

Praying for you, Thornquist.

 

[AThornquist]

There has been great input so far; thank you all very much.

-----Added 5/25/2009 at 11:59:27 EST-----

Do you believe that you are ready, Andrew, to care for another person? Are you able to provide for her physical, emotional, and spiritual needs?

Great questions and important things I will pray about... I believe that I am ready, although life would be so frugal physically.

Praying for you, Thornquist.

Thank you, brother.

 

[PresbyDane]

I will for you, and I am happy that you have found someone where these questions have come up.

Trust me on this, you are in no way ready, but neither were the rest of us, as long as you think that you are ready and have prepared for it the best way you know how, prayer, grace and hard work will do the rest.

 

[Trevor Kirkland]

Jonathan Edwards met his future wife when she was only 13. They married four years later. He was captivated by her spirituality writing of her sweetness, calmness and benevolence but especially of her delight in God. One further thought. Is there any mileage in the creation account for giving us guidance?

 

[calgal]

Are you in love with being in love or is this someone who is your best friend? This distinction is very very very very important (the former leads to more divorces than I can count). Also, just because mom and dad may want to have you guys date, she may have a different opinion (so might dad when it comes down to the actual dating).

 

[he beholds]

My husband and I hope our daughters marry young, and our sons marry as soon as they have finished college/trade school/or had some professional leads.
In my ideal world (and I am thankful that God's ideals do not depend on mine!!), a guy from church who we've known for a long time will ask to marry our daughter as he's finishing college and she's finishing high school. She will not have school loans to bring into the marriage, though hopefully she will have some type of domestic ability! She will also be spared years of futile crushes, which plague some girls at least, and sexual temptation.


on
We don't like the current trend of waiting until you are 30 to get married, and don't really know many women who like this trend, either, even if they are in this statistic. Why purposefully go through such great times of sexual temptation as your 20's are??? Especially if you are in college, away from home, surrounded by people who do not value marriage.

(Please--no offense intended if you are someone who has chosen not to marry early or at all--I am not critiquing the people, but I do personally dislike the trend. I understand that there is much liberty in marriage--I am talking about society's influence, not individual's liberty!). I think that young men need to step away from the culture and become serious about pursuing marriage earlier than our culture mandates. The girls cannot be the ones to pursue marriage, so they are the ones who are most dependent on culture. For the sake of your sisters, men, step it up : )
off

 

[ClayPot]

Andrew,

I think it's great that you are asking this question. My wife and I courted for a year before marriage (the last six months we were engaged) so I can understand a little of your situation. Two pieces of advice if you are willing to take them:

1. Don't pursue a courtship with this young woman unless you believe you could marry her without a courtship. That may sound weird so I'll explain. If you are simply courting her to find out whether you want to marry, then you are just dating really. Sometimes courtships don't end in marriage but it should be very rare. You should already know her character well enough BEFORE courtship you could marry her at that moment if you needed to. I served with my wife in a variety of settings over the course of a year to determine her character before I made the decision to pursue her (after talking with our pastors, various godly men, and her father). I never even once hinted that I was interested in her because I didn't want to lead her heart toward me if I wasn't sure that I was ready to hold her heart.

2. Don't pursue a courtship unless you are financially ready to support a family. I'm not saying that you need to graduate college or even have a full time job; I'm still young, poor, and married (with a 16 month old too)! It doesn't take a lot to get a small apartment, feed the family, provide basic health insurance, etc. But if you can't afford to provide for a family then I would encourage you not to pursue starting a family by getting married. It is better to make sure that you are ready for a family before pursuing this young woman than to pursue her and try to get ready. This will help to protect both of your hearts.

 

[JBaldwin]

I agree with most of what has been said here, so I won't repeat it again. I do want to add a bit of advice that my mother gave me when I was a teenager and thinking about marriage.

Don't marry until you have some kind of marketable skill to support yourself in case something happens to your husband.

That was the best advice my mother could have given us. I have two sisters, and we all married at different ages. My sisters married young (one at 19 and one at 21), and I married late. All of us at one point or another in our marriage have had to help out in one form or another. One of my sister's had to support her and her husband for two years, because he was too ill to work.

Having a marketable skill does not necessarily mean that a girl has to go to spend a ton of money on college. It just means she has developed a marketable skill should she be placed in a situation where she had to work. (Getting a job at McDonalds can't support a family.) Over the years, I've seen too many of my friends lose the financial support of their husbands due to death and sickness.

While considering this relationship, I would consider what her skills are and if she nees more time to develop them before marriage.

By the way, I have a friend who met his wife when she was 12 and waited until she was 18 to pursue her. They are happily married now.

 

[kvanlaan]

I know a couple, both of whom were 16 when they got married. They are happily married now and doing alright for themselves. BUT it was a shotgun wedding that broke the father's heart to a degree. It can be done, and God obviously used this evil for good, but it is not a recommended course to take.

Sorry, my point in this is that these were two rather mature 16-yr-olds and it worked, even in the face of such circumstances. It can be done. Get ready for some self-induced poverty (it's really not so bad, we're in the same boat), and shopping happily at the Salvation Army for years. Do you enjoy discount meats (on the occasions that you actually get meat)? This lifestyle doesn't bother us, but there are many who can't handle the ignominy.

 

[BJClark]

AThornquist;

Here is a situation to be more precise: a good, Christian family is very excited about me knowing their 16 year old girl because we have very similar desires in terms of family. If her father is excited about it because he wants his daughter to have a godly husband and he sees a young man (19 yr. old) who fits his standards, would 16, 17 or even 18 years old be too young for the girl to court?

How long have you known her?

Are YOU excited to be getting to know this young woman?

Is it something you have been pursuing on some level, that this conversation came up?

 

[LadyFlynt]

1. Don't pursue a courtship with this young woman unless you believe you could marry her without a courtship. That may sound weird so I'll explain. If you are simply courting her to find out whether you want to marry, then you are just dating really. Sometimes courtships don't end in marriage but it should be very rare. You should already know her character well enough BEFORE courtship you could marry her at that moment if you needed to. I served with my wife in a variety of settings over the course of a year to determine her character before I made the decision to pursue her (after talking with our pastors, various godly men, and her father). I never even once hinted that I was interested in her because I didn't want to lead her heart toward me if I wasn't sure that I was ready to hold her heart.

I have to agree with this. Before we started courting, we insisted on getting to know eachother. This happened through several public conversations. After a few weeks, and with my stepfather permission, we agreed to start courting. What he hadn't told me (due to the thinking of the day) was that he knew, and was willing to, marry me.

 

[satz]

I have to agree with this. Before we started courting, we insisted on getting to know eachother. This happened through several public conversations. After a few weeks, and with my stepfather permission, we agreed to start courting. What he hadn't told me (due to the thinking of the day) was that he knew, and was willing to, marry me.

When you say a few weeks, do you mean you had only known each other for a few weeks, or there was a special few weeks were you were getting to known each other in a more focused way, although you were acquianted before?

 

[LadyFlynt]

I have to agree with this. Before we started courting, we insisted on getting to know eachother. This happened through several public conversations. After a few weeks, and with my stepfather permission, we agreed to start courting. What he hadn't told me (due to the thinking of the day) was that he knew, and was willing to, marry me.

When you say a few weeks, do you mean you had only known each other for a few weeks, or there was a special few weeks were you were getting to known each other in a more focused way, although you were acquianted before?

We met in September, but didn't start talking (except one time I confided in him on an issue) till the end of October. End of October we were being "set up". We insisted on talking and getting to know each other in a social (school) environment first. End of November we started courting. So both...a couple of months of hearing about each others' character and reputation and a few weeks of getting to know each other and consider whether this is something to pursue (with the goal of marriage).

Class ring in November, promise ring 6mos later at 16, engagement ring at 17, married at 19, celebrating 15yrs in August.

-----Added 5/26/2009 at 11:40:45 EST-----

Sorry, my point in this is that these were two rather mature 16-yr-olds and it worked, even in the face of such circumstances. It can be done. Get ready for some self-induced poverty (it's really not so bad, we're in the same boat), and shopping happily at the Salvation Army for years. Do you enjoy discount meats (on the occasions that you actually get meat)? This lifestyle doesn't bother us, but there are many who can't handle the ignominy.

True

 

[PresbyDane]

Me and my wife started "dating" 9 march and were engaged 12 april and married the 16 okt all in the same year 2004.
I turned 20 the 30 jan that year and Line turned 19 the 18 of august.

So everybody overhere thought that that would never last and we were all to young etc.
Now we have been married for 4 years 7 months and 10 days.

 

[Montanablue]

I agree with most of what has been said here, so I won't repeat it again. I do want to add a bit of advice that my mother gave me when I was a teenager and thinking about marriage.

Don't marry until you have some kind of marketable skill to support yourself in case something happens to your husband.

That was the best advice my mother could have given us. I have two sisters, and we all married at different ages. My sisters married young (one at 19 and one at 21), and I married late. All of us at one point or another in our marriage have had to help out in one form or another. One of my sister's had to support her and her husband for two years, because he was too ill to work.

Having a marketable skill does not necessarily mean that a girl has to go to spend a ton of money on college. It just means she has developed a marketable skill should she be placed in a situation where she had to work. (Getting a job at McDonalds can't support a family.) Over the years, I've seen too many of my friends lose the financial support of their husbands due to death and sickness.

While considering this relationship, I would consider what her skills are and if she nees more time to develop them before marriage.

By the way, I have a friend who met his wife when she was 12 and waited until she was 18 to pursue her. They are happily married now.

Yes, yes, yes! This is something that my parents also pounded into me. You want to make sure that if you suddenly die or are handicapped that your wife and children will be okay. Of course, ideally, a church would step in and help, but most churches (especially small ones) are not going to be able to provide the amount of money that it takes to support a family.

And as JBaldwin notes it doesn't mean that she has to go to college - although that's a marvelous thing - it just means that she needs to be eligible for a job that is going to pay more than minimum wage.

 

[Zenas]

My wife's parents were trying to pawn her off by that age. She's always been terribly mature though.

 

[Grace Alone]

We actually discussed this at church Sunday. We talked about how young people used to marry. God made us to be able to reproduce as young teens! I think delayed marriage has simply resulted in few people waiting for sex until marriage...or it could be the reverse...not waiting for sex delays the marriage!

Our older daughter is 23 and hopefully will be engaged soon. But the younger one is 13, and I think we'd be open to a courting situation at 18 or older. I really think 16 is a bit young, personally.

 

[he beholds]

When my husband told me his feelings, after we had been friends for about four months, we discussed in the conversation that if we started dating we would get married. We started dating. I think our dating is probably what many people call courting, but we call dating (at least from what I remember about another heated thread here).
My husband actually left to teach in China soon after he told me how he felt, and one of us made the comment that it was probably for the best or we'd get married the next week. We just knew that to take our friendship to the next level meant that we wanted to marry each other, so I definitely agree with "only do it if you know you would marry them."

 

[jlynn]

I had friends who had a 3 year engagement. I actually do not know how they managed it. I hope to heaven that I don't have to have one that's more than six months. Props to you, JC, I don't know if I could do it![/QUOTE]


A three year engagement!!!?? My engagement will be 11 and a half months long. We're getting married in September. That is a long enough engagement for me! I can't imagine being engaged for three years!

 

[Spinningplates2]

Historically she is at a perfect age, though culturally she is too young. I kind of hate my culture though, so I tend to lean historically...

You lean historically? Do not lean too far brother. In the time past when men where men and women married at 16 things were not always as great as history presents them. Many women married young and had great trouble with children surviving past the age of four. The women and the children often died young due to poor practice of medicine at the time. The men worked 14 or more hours a day at back breaking jobs and often lived short lives. God has blessed you to live in this age.

"Hate your culture" is a strong statement and I think that we all hate parts of what the "mainstream" culture has become but we have, all in all, a much better life ( longer and healthier) then any culture in history. You have been given much advice here but I think the best was from someone who said "get you ducks in a row." You are both young and should be ready to wait at least a few more years before you get too serious.