"When he's not asking"?

[Simply_Nikki]

Heidi I see your point. My view of dating is that it shouldn't be entered into whimsically with out any intention or purpose nor to simply "have fun" with a person of the opposite sex. At the same time I do not believe it should be so serious and intense that it seems like the two have already exchanged wedding vowels when they say yes to going out. I do like the idea of group interaction which takes the pressure off the two individuals who may be interested in each other and holds both accountable in guarding their hearts.

Perhaps I am reading too much into the initiation. Perhaps it shouldn't be taken as seriously as I've been implying it to be.

To clarify when I said exclusive before, all i meant was, the two have made some sort of agreement to not consider other possible dating options for a length of time until they have decided they are not compatible. In other words, they've agreed they're not going to be players or serial daters. I suppose this option would come after both have clearly expressed genuine interest in the other.

BTW.. why do you all get the impression that there is a guy I'm particularly interested in? What if I was completely theoretical?

 

[dcomin]

Very interesting thread Nikki!

Here's a thought out of left field... Assuming that the man in which the young lady is interested is a believer (I hope that's a safe assumption), what if the young lady spoke to her pastor about the situation and asked her pastor to speak to the gentleman in question, tactfully inquire as to his possible interest, and encourage him to pursue the matter if his feelings are mutual? This would, of course, introduce a third party into the picture, which could create some awkwardness (particularly if the young man is not interested in the lady). But the pastor wouldn't necessarily need to disclose that the woman had expressed interest. He would only need to say something like, "What do you think of so-and-so?"

Not that pastors are necessarily called to be matchmakers, but we're talking (I think) about a unique situation where a young man seems to be a bit backward about communicating his feelings. Why not enlist the help of the pastor, who can help/counsel the young man in how to approach a lady?

 

[Simply_Nikki]

Very interesting thread Nikki!

Here's a thought out of left field... Assuming that the man in which the young lady is interested is a believer (I hope that's a safe assumption), what if the young lady spoke to her pastor about the situation and asked her pastor to speak to the gentleman in question, tactfully inquire as to his possible interest, and encourage him to pursue the matter if his feelings are mutual? This would, of course, introduce a third party into the picture, which could create some awkwardness (particularly if the young man is not interested in the lady). But the pastor wouldn't necessarily need to disclose that the woman had expressed interest. He would only need to say something like, "What do you think of so-and-so?"

Not that pastors are necessarily called to be matchmakers, but we're talking (I think) about a unique situation where a young man seems to be a bit backward about communicating his feelings. Why not enlist the help of the pastor, who can help/counsel the young man in how to approach a lady?

I suppose that can be a valid approach assuming the two go to the same church.

 

[Abd_Yesua_alMasih]

As a young, single, Christian man I have another opinion. I have no problem with a woman asking me out. It shows they are actually interested. Otherwise how do I know if they are actually interested or just pressured into it?

On the other hand if the Christian woman asks me out, how do they know that I am really interested? Or am I just saying yes because I am a shy guy and am pleased that I am being asked out. The assurance that it gives the guy to be asked out, must then be taken away from the woman if she is the one asking.

Now for me as an individual I have been asked out a few times. This is because I have not asked them out. There are a few reasons why I may not have asked the woman out. a) I am not interested, b) still not interested, c) not ready. If it is the first two then her asking me out is sort of pointless. If the third one then I think she is rushing things/unstable/desperate and I don't like her anymore so refer to a & b.

Just my thoughts.

 

[Simply_Nikki]

As a young, single, Christian man I have another opinion. I have no problem with a woman asking me out. It shows they are actually interested. Otherwise how do I know if they are actually interested or just pressured into it?

On the other hand if the Christian woman asks me out, how do they know that I am really interested? Or am I just saying yes because I am a shy guy and am pleased that I am being asked out. The assurance that it gives the guy to be asked out, must then be taken away from the woman if she is the one asking.

Now for me as an individual I have been asked out a few times. This is because I have not asked them out. There are a few reasons why I may not have asked the woman out. a) I am not interested, b) still not interested, c) not ready. If it is the first two then her asking me out is sort of pointless. If the third one then I think she is rushing things/unstable/desperate and I don't like her anymore so refer to a & b.

Just my thoughts.

Thanks for your thoughts and honesty on the matter, but given your options, it seems as if you have no intentions of ever asking a girl out, but require that they come to you to find out if you are interested in them? Would not that make you the permanent responder, and not the seeker of a wife? Perhaps you're not ready to seek a wife yet?

 

[Grymir]

Hi Nikki! Let me relay a true story to you. A young-middle aged man was attending the local community college, when a woman his own age was having a yard sale. This dude went and looked at the stuff and idly mentioned he was on his way to philosophy class. The woman and him spent the next 15 minutes talking about what a dumb idea the 'leap of faith' concept was from Soren Kierkegaard. He asked her to have some coffee later on that evening. Under the steps leading to his apartment, she sat on a table. He went down with his coffee. He was surprised when she said "I'm watching God at work" as they watched thunder and lightning together.

He asked her to share coffee on the next day after he finished work at night. On his way upstairs to his apartment the following evening, he noticed two (!) pork steaks cooking in her window. He called her up to have coffee, but she asked him if he had eaten yet, and since he hadn't, he gladly accepted her offer. Both of them were nervous, but they had a nice evening.

Then next night, she went to his apartment to have coffee. Imagine his surprise when she not only knew who John Calvin was, but she was raised Dutch Reformed! (They did live in a liberal cesspool, so this was a real surprise). They spent the night drinking real good coffee and talking the night away.

On their third evening, she brought in a Bible study entitled "Godly traits to look for when choosing a husband"! Yikes, he thought, but it lead to a interesting evening.

Well, O.K. I'll let the cat out of the bag, we were married six months later. Yes, I asked, but she did some things too! Pork steaks are way better than asking anyway! But I was the initiator, talking about marriage on our second evening together. Which lead to the third. It's a dance that is done together.

He will ask if really interested. That's a big idea. If he doesn't and she does, well, most guys will respond to the first person who shows interest. Availability becomes the criteria. Instead of being impressed with her and who she is, (virtues, likes, dislikes), she's liked because she's there. Which will lead to problems down the road when they get married. Lynn showed interest in me with her feminine whiles, which gave me the courage to ask her out. When the real thing happens, it's a dance that you both do.

I love being married.

 

[Simply_Nikki]

Go ahead, Nikki, tell us it who it us. There are plenty of us Reformed men here who can collectively act as a liaison between you and him. We can set up interviews, wrestling matches, and all sorts of things by which to test him and see if he's worthy.

Well for a little while i had my thoughts on someone in particular but that has ceased, there was no evidence or reason for me to think he was interested, and there is a distance issue. So this question was in fact completely theoretical in the event someone else sparked my interest.

 

[Simply_Nikki]

Hi Nikki! Let me relay a true story to you. A young-middle aged man was attending the local community college, when a woman his own age was having a yard sale. This dude went and looked at the stuff and idly mentioned he was on his way to philosophy class. The woman and him spent the next 15 minutes talking about what a dumb idea the 'leap of faith' concept was from Soren Kierkegaard. He asked her to have some coffee later on that evening. Under the steps leading to his apartment, she sat on a table. He went down with his coffee. He was surprised when she said "I'm watching God at work" as they watched thunder and lightning together.

He asked her to share coffee on the next day after he finished work at night. On his way upstairs to his apartment the following evening, he noticed two (!) pork steaks cooking in her window. He called her up to have coffee, but she asked him if he had eaten yet, and since he hadn't, he gladly accepted her offer. Both of them were nervous, but they had a nice evening.

Then next night, she went to his apartment to have coffee. Imagine his surprise when she not only knew who John Calvin was, but she was raised Dutch Reformed! (They did live in a liberal cesspool, so this was a real surprise). They spent the night drinking real good coffee and talking the night away.

On their third evening, she brought in a Bible study entitled "Godly traits to look for when choosing a husband"! Yikes, he thought, but it lead to a interesting evening.

Well, O.K. I'll let the cat out of the bag, we were married six months later. Yes, I asked, but she did some things too! Pork steaks are way better than asking anyway! But I was the initiator, talking about marriage on our second evening together. Which lead to the third. It's a dance that is done together.

He will ask if really interested. That's a big idea. If he doesn't and she does, well, most guys will respond to the first person who shows interest. Availability becomes the criteria. Instead of being impressed with her and who she is, (virtues, likes, dislikes), she's liked because she's there. Which will lead to problems down the road when they get married. Lynn showed interest in me with her feminine whiles, which gave me the courage to ask her out. When the real thing happens, it's a dance that you both do.

I love being married.

That's an awesome anecdotal story, thanks for sharing. I do agree there should be participation on both sides of the isle (no double pun intended ) But what a beautiful story of mutual interest and you taking that first step to ask. Now had she done these things for you and you just kept accepting these gracious offers and still a month later had not asked her out, the story may not have ended the same. So praise God you got up the courage to ask!

 

[kalawine]

Timothy, great story.

 

[Abd_Yesua_alMasih]

As a young, single, Christian man I have another opinion. I have no problem with a woman asking me out. It shows they are actually interested. Otherwise how do I know if they are actually interested or just pressured into it?

On the other hand if the Christian woman asks me out, how do they know that I am really interested? Or am I just saying yes because I am a shy guy and am pleased that I am being asked out. The assurance that it gives the guy to be asked out, must then be taken away from the woman if she is the one asking.

Now for me as an individual I have been asked out a few times. This is because I have not asked them out. There are a few reasons why I may not have asked the woman out. a) I am not interested, b) still not interested, c) not ready. If it is the first two then her asking me out is sort of pointless. If the third one then I think she is rushing things/unstable/desperate and I don't like her anymore so refer to a & b.

Just my thoughts.

Thanks for your thoughts and honesty on the matter, but given your options, it seems as if you have no intentions of ever asking a girl out, but require that they come to you to find out if you are interested in them? Would not that make you the permanent responder, and not the seeker of a wife? Perhaps you're not ready to seek a wife yet?

I just reread my post. I did not mean to imply that I will never ask someone out. Rather I was not against them asking me out. There are certain benefits to it, however there are cons as well. I would prefer to ask first.

 

[Grymir]

That's an awesome anecdotal story, thanks for sharing. I do agree there should be participation on both sides of the isle (no double pun intended ) But what a beautiful story of mutual interest and you taking that first step to ask. Now had she done these things for you and you just kept accepting these gracious offers and still a month later had not asked her out, the story may not have ended the same. So praise God you got up the courage to ask!

Oh how true! There have been many time that I've spent time with a woman as kalawine described above. Afraid to ask. But I'm glad I didn't. When it's right, we men will ask. My wife also would not have done those things for me unless I asked. So without me asking, none of that would of happened. And my life would be alot worse off.

So to any of you gents that are reading this, if a woman interests you, ASK!!!!! You may get some Pork Steaks too!

 

[py3ak]

What Captain Grymir's story tells you, is that the way to meet guys is to ask them what they think of Soren Kierkegaard. If you agree, then you are automatically mutually interested.

 

[nicnap]

Just so you know, subtlety doesn't work on guys. We may pick up on it about a month later after the conversation. Generally we don't.

yep...that is too true.

 

[Zenas]

It took me months to figure out my fiancee' liked me. Months.

 

[Ex Nihilo]

It took me months to figure out my fiancee' liked me. Months.

That must have made the engagement awkward.

Sorry, sorry. . . just being silly.

In all fairness, it's not like guys are that easy to read, either!

 

[BJClark]

I can see inviting a guy to go out with a group of friends. Maybe if your at church and a group going out afterwards ask if he would like to join the group.

Last night my daughter was going to a football game at school, and a young man who goes to church with us asked her if she was going, she told him yes, she asked if he was going..his response "Do you want me to go?" She was like, "what I want or don't want isn't the point, DO YOU WANT TO GO? If you want to go, then go, if not then stay home, but don't call me later complaining you didn't go!" He went..he even called one of their other friends to go with him.

So if it's a group thing, then sure ask if he'd like to join the group.