Reviewing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

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No Longer A Libertine

Puritan Board Senior
It has been nineteen years since we last saw America's favorite archaeologist/ action hero swashbuckle his way past matinée villains in search of high adventure; he returns with much hype but with a disappointingly flat delivery.

From the anti-climactic opening that makes us groan with the revelation that space aliens are being mixed with our favorite escapist fanfare and the more than campy and improbable execution of Indy's survival from a nuclear blast; we get the sense very quickly that the magic the original series possessed is not present outside of the 1980s installments.

The year is 1957 and a haggard old fart has replaced the once ruggedly handsome Harrison Ford, now more grizzled than witty. He is vaguely linked to the Red Scare and prohibited from teaching at his university, thus on his way to literally catch a train out of town he runs into a young motorcycle driving smart mouth named "Mutt" (played by Shia LeBeouf), who wets his appetite for a romp through the Amazon in search of a mythical mcguffin called a crystal skull.

Along the way the Soviets get nasty, and an old flame in Marion Ravenwood (played by Karen Allen), whom we last saw in "Raiders of the Lost Ark", joins the fun. We learn that their former romance produced the young "Mutt" that drug them out into the jungle.

After many less than harrowing CGI escapes and encounters with monkeys, snakes and ants they learn that the treasure they seek is alien knowledge and a giant flying saucer emerges from the Amazon and takes off. Indy returns home and marries the girl and we leave the theater bitter.

As far as content is concerned there is no nudity but there is some unnecessary profanity and the fact that Hollywood decided to give Indy an out of wedlock son.

The series ended brilliantly in 1989 as "Last Crusade" literally rode off into the sunset at the credits; this installment is the equivalent of a politician delivering the speech of his life and then leaving his mic on as he enters the bathroom, thus instead of remembering the greatness of his performance we are left with the memory of his time in the stall; I give you "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" ladies and gentlemen, the cinematic equivalent of the before described event.

Yeah, the movie pretty much sucked. I thought some of the dialogue was awesome, but the whole space aliens thing? C'mon, give me a break! Now I realize, especially from a secular world view, aliens are just as likely as the Ark and the Holy Grail, or even demon possessed Hindu cult leaders, but give me a break. The whole story was ridiculous. And the whole nuclear explosion protected by a fridge scene? What in the world was that?! It was so random and had practically nothing to do with anything besides the fact that they were in Nevada. Plus, you didn't even really get to hear the Indy theme. What's with that?!?! I see an Indy movie I expect some upbeat awesome Indy music. Instead, we get lameo imitation stuff. It says John Williams did the music but either he is getting too old or he was lazy, cuz it sucked.

Besides some dialogue, this movie sucked major poopy pants! :worms:

Yes, I'm a little bitter at being so throughly disappointed :(
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