Rearing our children

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Scott Bushey

Scott Bushey

Puritanboard Commissioner
How and what does the bible say in regards to "rearing" our children.

Please present scripture to support your claim.
 
[b:accce8664d]Ephesians[/b:accce8664d] 6 v.1Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

[b:accce8664d]Colossians[/b:accce8664d] 3 v. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

[b:accce8664d]Exodus[/b:accce8664d] 20 v.12 "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

[b:accce8664d]Deuteronomy[/b:accce8664d] 5 v.16 "'Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
 
God's Plan for Parenting

This is an outline from a message I preached in August........

God's Plan for Parenting - Prov 22:6

1.) Why does a child need to be trained?

a) Proverbs 22:15; 29:15
b) Depravity - 1 Cor 2:14; Rom 8:7-8; Rom 3:10-18, 23; John 6:44-45

2.) How do we [b:f3bda84824]TRAIN[/b:f3bda84824] up a child in the way he should go?

[i:f3bda84824]Way he should go - bent - being sensitive and discerning, recognizing God's call, gifts, and talents in the life of your child[/i:f3bda84824]

a) [b:f3bda84824]T[/b:f3bda84824] = Train - Disciple - "learner, student, apprentice"

(1) You will teach your children to be like you, either by trying or by not trying!
(2) Being "like" (to follow) - Luke 6:40
(3) Jesus - Matt 4:19; Luke 9:23
(4) Paul - Phil 3:17; 1 Thess 1:6; 2 Tim 3:10
(5) A Bad Example - 2 Peter 2:14; Prov 17:25; Prov 19:13

b) [b:f3bda84824]R[/b:f3bda84824] = Restrain from Evil - Discipline - (Correct / Restrain / Instruct) - Prov 13:24; 19:18; 22:15; 23:13-14; 29:15, 17

c) [b:f3bda84824]A[/b:f3bda84824] = Admonish in the Lord - Encourage (Noutheteo - warn, instruct, counsel) - Eph 6:4; Prov 3:11-26; 4:10-27; 5:1-2

d) [b:f3bda84824]I[/b:f3bda84824] = Instruct in Righteousness - Teach - 2 Tim 3:16-17; Prov 4:1-9; 8:32-36; Deut 6:1-8 (Deut 4:9-10; 11:18-21)

God assigned parents to be the teachers of their children - Prov 1:8; Eph 6:4; Prov 22:6

God's program for education is discipleship - Deut 6:5-7

e) [b:f3bda84824]N[/b:f3bda84824] = Nurture - Tender Care/Guardianship - Titus 2:1-8; 1 Tim 3:4, 12


--Phillip
 
I used to think of all the things that my parents did "wrong": now I realise that my parents got the major things right: they walked before God in integrity, and they loved us to death. Even when we felt they were most wrong, we did not doubt either of these things.

But I think there are mistakes that will tend to harden children's hearts, and make it harder for the parents, too-- after having a boy in our home for a few months I thought a lot about all the mistakes we had made, and realised our whole approach had been off.

Psalm 103:13 "Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear Him."
Hebrews 12:7 "If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?"
Romans 8:15 "For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father."

I think from this and many other references that the relationship of parents to children ought to be modelled on the relationship of God the Father to His children, rather than as God the Judge to the transgressor. This is how we were dealing with the boy in our care.
God's "chastening" is with the end of correction, not of strict punishment- giving us what we deserve.
If the parent is demonstrating "God the Judge" he is bound to mete out the amount of punishment his child "deserves," even if that will discourage the child, and make it harder for him/her to learn the lesson in view-- punishment is not tailored to correction, but to satisfaction of a pentalty-- hell does not correct the sinner.
I absolutely believe that children need to be chastened-- foolishness is bound up in their hearts, and many times the rod of correction is the only thing they understand! But they need to be dealt with in pity, as those who "know not what they do." They do need to learn that if they reject God's free offer of love and pity in Christ, they will experience His justice. But it seems wrong to dive right in and teach them about strict justice when their hearts are most naturally tender and ready to learn about mercy.
The most tender hearted children I know are the ones whose parents try to mete out the gentlest punishment that will be effective. Their tender hearts are genuinely hurt when they hurt their parents-- this kind of hurt will do far more to teach them true wisdom than the physical. Most of these children can be "controlled" by a look.
God the Father does not deal with us according to our sins, but according to His mercy. Fortunately-- even in child-rearing, He overrules.
 
One of the greatest books on parenting is from Jacobus Koelman - Duty of parents. Jacobus Koelman was a important leader in the Nadere reformatie (puritan movement in the Netherlands). This book (In Dutch called :plichten der ouders) is now transelated in english, you can order it from Heritage books, see .
 
I myself wrote :
" One of the greatest books on parenting is from Jacobus Koelman - Duty of parents. Jacobus Koelman was a important leader in the Nadere reformatie (puritan movement in the Netherlands). This book (In Dutch called :plichten der ouders) is now transelated in english, you can order it from Heritage books, see ..."

I want to aded :

https://www.heritagebooks.org/item.asp?bookId=2123

Ralph
 
[quote:51d3a6f35b][i:51d3a6f35b]Originally posted by joshua[/i:51d3a6f35b]
Isaiah 1:2-3

2 Hear, O heavens, and give ear, O earth;
for the Lord has spoken:
"Children [1] have I reared and brought up,
but they have rebelled against me.
3 The ox knows its owner,
and the donkey its master's crib,
but Israel does not know,
my people do not understand."

God has reared us, but we have rebelled against Him. So, what does one do with that? [/quote:51d3a6f35b]

God is the perfect Father, correct? So what does one do with a rebelling child? What does God do with his children who rebel? or is it even possible for true Christians to rebel?

This isn't just a theoretical question. I have a 9 year old whom I know has been rebelling since he was 5. I've had a lot of innane advice along the lines of he wasn't really rebelling because he's too young etc. Well now he's nine and a lot worse. Its not necessarily our parenting because we have 3 others who are "good" kids.

I could definitely use some good application of scripture in this area!

What we've done:
stopped homeschooling in Feb
put them in local public school
I'm getting a job
started marriage counseling

basically I'm worn out with him and can't take anymore. We considered sending him "somewhere". At times I think we should just "cut our losses" and make sure we don't lose our other children in the same way we have our firstborn.

Awful to see it in print, but its true. It's "real". Those who have read my other postings know I don't put on an act. So this is it. I've been busy with trying to keep our family from disentegrating the last few months(myself included) and haven't posted.

The only bright spot is that as of about the 3rd of November I (got assurance of salvation-some would say) trusted Christ for my salvation. Things have gone downhill every since!:shocked2: In almost every area of life, things took a nose dive. Just when I'd think, "things can't get any worse" then they did. But you know what? I haven't doubted my salvation although I question God's love. Sounds weird but thats the way it is.

I'm rambling on here, but one area that would be helpful would be some sound scriptural advice (with verses, principles etc) on what to do with our 9 year old rebel. Practical stuff too, please! I'm not saying scriptural isn't practical but I need help in all areas.

thanks,
shelly
 
shelly:

I can think of a few reasons why God did not give us a step by step manual for raising children in the Bible.

For one, we as parents could never consistently follow it. We are just as stubborn and rebellious as our children.

Number two, human beings are much more complex than that. The way God chose to redeem His children was to condescend to their vile level and suffer and die for them. That is the quintessential meaning of parenthood.

It is impossible.

I will pray for wisdom for you. Pray for wisdom for me as well as a father of four.

Love will conquer all things.
Love them as Christ loves you.

Public school may be just the thing he needs. God in his providence used Egypt to train up Joseph.

He is sovereign and good. He can draw your child into his heart of love through any means He chooses.

[Edited on 3-22-2004 by Wintermute]
 
Shelly,

I understand about doubting God's love. It seems like it's the easiest thing to doubt, because looking at anything but the Cross convinces me that God couldn't, and that God must not love me. We are certainly very unworthy. But that didn't stop Him, & it will never turn Him away.

I have only three months experience with rearing a rebellious child, and don't have much to offer-- but a very good, very practical book on the subject is [i:4927ec0e21]The Heart of Anger[/i:4927ec0e21] by Lou Priolo. He also deals with a lot of other things in there, like marriage, etc.

The main "practical" things I wish I'd done differently when we had Cord were
1. Prayed for him more. You can't even scratch the surface of his heart, but God can reach in and change it completely.
2. Not felt pressured to discipline him right away: kids can sit on the couch while you calm down and think about what is best thing to do with them.
3. Been as gentle as possible in every situation, even when I had to administer "harsh" discipline-- it seems like anger will have more "impact" but it doesn't.
4. Been more relaxed about it all. If the King's heart is in the hand of the Lord, the child's certainly is as well. He may be out of your control, but He is not out of God's. You have someone to trust. Rest in that.

Maybe you already do-- but you could have weekly time alone with him, just to do something together with him that is special, to reach out to him. This is more of a "softening" activity. Maybe it would help to think of your discipline/dealings with him in two categories: "soft" things and "hard" things. Soft things are more likely to soften, and hard things more likely to either break or harden his heart. Both are going to come into play, but it might help to keep track of how you are balancing the two.

Maybe you could send him away for a week or two while you work through your feelings/perspective. I would have realized so many things if I could have just stepped out of the situation for a little while. Sometimes just the stress of dealing with the hostility mounts up so that you need a break in order to refresh yourself, and put the hostility away.

It is so hard to love children who are disrupting the home. I guess it comes down to the unconditional love of God that Wintermute was talking about: we have to immerse ourselves in it, to immerse others.
 
Shelly,

I'm sorry to read of your troubles with your son. I know how difficult it can be daily dealing with an obstinant child. I have a 2 1/2 year old who is very strong willed and causes me great frustration at times. Some children by nature are much more difficult then others and many people do not understand this which causes even more guilt and frustration. I think the advice given here is excellent. I was talking to a wise elder of a church I used to attend (a father of 6 wonderful children) and was explaining some of my frustrations to him, His advice has stuck so dearly to my heart, simply treat your child the way Christ has treated you. We are just as rebellious to our Heavenly Father as our children our to us, and yet he always deals with us in love. I have a quick temper and sometimes forget to do this but when the good Lord reminds me it is very humbling.
 
[quote:c768813d58][i:c768813d58]Originally posted by exscentric[/i:c768813d58]
"rearing a child" isn't that just putting a paddle to it, the rear that is :bouncy: [/quote:c768813d58]

I think this a common misconception among believers. Spanking is very useful and very biblical but there is A LOT more to it then that, and not all children respond immediately to spanking. I grew up with a parent who would often say when a child was misbehaving that a good spanking would solve the problem. I of course brought this into my parenting and have had extreme frustration after consistent spanking has not had immediate effects. At times I have considered stopping altogether but after reading "Withold Not Correction" by Bruce Ray I came under the conviction that if I did this I would be breaking God's commandment to discipline my child, so therefore I carry on. We don't now how Sherry is disciplining her child she may be doing everything according to scripture and yet still have a rebellious child.

[Edited on 3-24-2004 by sailorswife]
 
"she may be doing everything according to scripture and yet still have a rebellious child."

That is so true, Anne. It is the grace of God that makes the difference in any heart.
 
Shelly, let me encourage you to not give up on your son, yet...There are things that are worth the struggle for: Your marriage, your children.

I would encourage you to do what you can, now. As he grows older, and as he is more influenced by those around him (i.e. public school,) he will grow worse, not better. It will be harder to correct his rebellious spirit, not easier.

From a practical standpoint, let me offer three suggestions, which effect all children, and are not age dependant:

1.) One of the most important aspects of raising children is for the parent to be consistent, to always be consistent, both in commands and in discipline. If you review your time with your son, do you ALWAYS enforce what you tell him to do? Do you ALWAYS follow through in disciplining him? I can't stress how important this is. If you don't, than you're only allowing his rebellion to continue. You do have the power to draw the line.

If you haven't remained consistent, I can almost tell you what will happen when you do draw the line: You and your son will get into a big battle of wills, it may last hours, if he wins he will continue on the course he's on and make it more difficult for you as he continues to scoff at your authority. If you win, which you must, you will have gone a long way in quenching the rebellion in your son. You have shown that you do care (tough love), and that you really believe that God has put you in authority over him, and you'll do what it takes to maintain that authority. I've lost count the number of times I've seen this scenario played out. I've seen 2 year old kids who would stand motionless for hours, because they refused to be obedient to the instruction to come. However, when the parents persisted until the child did come, the child's whole spirit changed after they submitted themselves to the parents' authority.

2.) A good marriage is a bedrock for godly children, it's hard, though not impossible, to have one without the other. If there is dissension, if you are rebelling against your authority--your husband (or ultimately God, who gave your husband to you) than your son will feed off of the dissension in your home.

3.) And lastly, more of technique, which my father calls tomato staking..."Tomato staking" is where you stake your child to you. Keep them with you all the time, in the same room as you, participating in the things you do, and when they're not with you know where they are, and what their attitude is. It's not so much as discipline, which is done as punishment, but as training. And this may go on for days, weeks, or months, until you see a change in their spirit.

(Perhaps the story will explain concept: My dad was walking with my younger brother (around 8 at the time) around the vegetable garden. My dad pointed out the tomato plants, all nicely staked, and explained how we put stakes next to the tomato plants to make sure that they grew straight, strong, and tall. And that he, my brother, was going to become my dad's tomato plant. He would be staked to him, not only to keep him out of trouble, which it did, but so that he could grow in godliness, which he did.) Parenting, in it's essence is the training of a child, not the occasional discipline, but the constant discipling until maturity is reached.

I hope this helps, and offers hope.

[Edited on 3-23-2004 by ChristianasJourney]
 
Baptize your child if you have not done so.

I like that "Tomato Staking". I do that and didn't even know the name.

Public school is a no go. Try to find a tutor or small Christian school if you feel you cannot homeschool.

Good books are very very very helpful. Books that build character and/or teach an honorable hobby. Music is also very helpful.
 
More excellent advice Janice! Your point about marriage especially. A women came to my mom's of preschoolers group a couple months back who w/ her husband teach the Growing Kids God's Way course. This is not a reformed group but from what I have read from them they give some very good and practical advice on child rearing. Anyway, one of that groups main instructions is to have couch time with your spouse, a time where you just sit and talk with your spouse in which the children are not allowed to interupt, thus showing the importance of the marriage. They say they have seen childrens' behavior change just from this alone.
 
My post was a JOKE, note the :bouncy: -- relating to the original quesiton "rearing a child", note the quotes. Not commenting on the use of the paddle.:lol:

[Edited on 3-24-2004 by exscentric]
 
My, my, what a can of worms we have opened.

There are no more heated debates than HOW to raise/discipline children.

I have read so many books from far left wing "parents should be friends" to far right wing "parents should 'beat the devil' out of their kids"!


I can not recommend "To train up a child."

The problem with this and most child rearing books is that while they affirm the child's "sin nature", they forget that parents are not perfect. The "to train up a child" method insists that if you are not 100% consistent, then you're not going to succeed in raising your child.

I can only say the only thing I've been 100% consistent at is not being 100% consistent in ANYTHING. It's impossible. We're human beings, not GOD (i.e. perfectly consistent).


Did any reformers write books on raising kids? Did the puritans? Who has some good resources that are exegetically rich?

I have recently found a book called: "Biblical Parenting". I like it. I agree with the author on many things.


From the web site:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grace-Based Discipline (GBD) is a parenting style which is Biblically supported and rooted in the New Testament teachings of Grace. In my book, "Biblical Parenting," I address the popular parenting teachings of today and expose how they are not based on a proper understanding of how God would have us be in relationship with our children.

Our job as parents is to prepare the hearts of our children to be good ground for the seed of the Gospel which is our privilege to plant, not to produce perfectly behaved Stepford children. Parents should not be judged by the behavior of their children, they should be judged by their reaction to it.

The bible is unusually silent on parenting issues except to charge parents with the responsibility to raise their children unto the Lord and to grant them the authority to do so. How to parent is left up to each parent and I believe the best choice is to model our parenting after the style of Father God. My book discusses this idea in greater detail and also provides tools for parenting in a non-punitive way.

Parent-centered is no more Biblically sanctioned than child-centered parenting; Believers are challenged to be Christ-centered in all things. This should also apply to parenting. A believer should extend the fruit of the Spirit to their children--not expect it from them. A condition of Grace for the Believer is one of unquestioned relationship with the Father. A condition of Grace for a Believer's child should be no less.

Jesus told a parable about a servant who was forgiven much and then refused to forgive another who owed him much less. We are the servant who has been forgiven much. Forgive your fellow servant, your child, who owes you the debt of not having come when called or flexing his two-year-old budding independence by yelling "No!" We are warned in the parable what will happen if we refuse to forgive and the consequences of not heeding this warning are quite weighty.

It is the responsibility of the Holy Spirit to produce fruit in a Believer's life. The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control. To expect these from a child is an unrealistic expectation; even mature Believers often struggle in the production of these fruit. How can we expect our children to cheerfully produce fruit that we struggle to produce and that is only growing in us
because of the faithful work of the Holy Spirit?

Grace-Based Discipline is about modeling, being kind and firm, teaching (discipline), correcting (verbally admonishing), respecting and being respected in a way that can only come from relationship. The right relationship you create with your child foreshadows the right relationship your child seeks with his creator.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Background info:

The author Crystal Lutton attends Beth Simcha Hamashiach (Messianic Jewish) congregation and obtained her Masters of Arts in Theology from Fuller Theological Seminary.

"Crystal Lutton was interviewed for a Primary Focus episode called "The Spanking Debate"... PBS will have this episode available for their affiliate stations as of November 3, 2003." - This is initially where I ran across the info, and subsequently found more info here:

http://www.aolff.org/
 
The best book in the world on parenting is the Book of Proverbs!

I also recommend to all our parents at church [i:836e7bbc61]Shepherding a Child's Heart[/i:836e7bbc61] by Tedd Tripp.

Janice has given some wonderful advise. Consistency is the key and the foundation to succesful parenting is success at marriage! We are husbands and wives first and then parents.

If the relationship between husband and wife is solid and growing then the relationship with the kids will be on the right path as well. Whenever I counsel parents who are having problems with the kids, we start by examining the marriage first to see how things there have influenced the kids. Even then, we must always keep in mind that we are all born totally depraved, and the issue is one of sin and the need for repentance and faith in Christ. Discipline and Discipling go hand in hand.

Phillip
 
Self-sacrifice is the Hallmark of Christian Parenting

My sweet wife and I have been given the awesome privilege of raising another baby. Our newest child will be born in the latter part of November, 2004. At present, we have seven sons and three daughters. Our two oldest daughters (ages 33 & 31 respectively) are married to dedicated Christian men. Our oldest son is 26 years old, working on his M.A degree from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and is the Worship Leader at a Baptist Church in Mansfield, Texas. We are most grateful to their faithfulness to the Lord.
We have seven (six boys and one girl) still at home. With the addition of our newest arrival in November, the ranks of our children will swell to eleven total, eight at home. The present ages of our children at home range from 14 down to 14 months.
We have no rebellious children. None are dope-heads, none do drugs and none are foul-mouthed. Wherever our family goes (i.e. eating out [buffet of course:wink2:), we receive compliments relative both to the behaviour as well as the speech of the children. Our children say, 'Yes, Ma'am' and 'Yes, Sir' to their elders. They look for ways to serve other people. And what people don't see behind the scenes is that the children intercede for other people in their private prayer times.
Were they born this way? In our humanity, all parents would like to say, "I have the perfect children.":roll:
But we do them no good when we have unrealistic expectations of them.
It takes the dual commitment of both parents to train up a child "in their own unique way." We have been homeschooling our children for over a dozen years. I said "[b:a6bf24ce09]we![/b:a6bf24ce09] It takes a team effort - no doubt about it.
Relative to discipline: the father is the final Supreme Court judge! He must exercise final authority. He must be consistent in his methodology and lucid in his allegiance to his Master, Jesus Christ. The wife 'must know' that she can make the final appeal to her husband (in a disciplinary issue) and that he will 'stand in the gap.'
The children 'must see' a consistency in the lives of their parents that is in alignment with the very values, ethics and truths that the parents are attempting to inculcate in the children.
I shall finish off with this last thought: many of us know that the closeness of a shepherd to his flock is illustrated in the Greek language itself. Both 'shepherd' and 'flock' come from the same root. There are many preachers in pulpits of today who do not have a shepherd's heart. Not all preachers are shepherds, God made more than one gift for His church [Eph. 4:11]. My point is this, a true shepherd has been given a shepherd's heart from the Chief Shepherd for the flock over which he is to pastor. He will 'want' to be with the flock, he loves the flock, he cares for the flock, etc.
So it is with a father of children. Self-sacrifice is the hallmark of Christian parenting. But is done with joy not self-pity. We will never fully appreciate the significance of the high-calling of parenthood. I do know this: the integrity and credibility in the pulpit is inextricably tied to our success or failure in the home (I Timothy 3:4-5).
Be encouraged, brethren. It can be done! It must be done! And by God's grace and our Heavenly Father's example, it will be done!
 
Originally posted by Reena Wilms
I myself wrote :
" One of the greatest books on parenting is from Jacobus Koelman - Duty of parents. Jacobus Koelman was a important leader in the Nadere reformatie (puritan movement in the Netherlands). This book (In Dutch called :plichten der ouders) is now transelated in english, you can order it from Heritage books, see ..."

I want to aded :

https://www.heritagebooks.org/item.asp?bookId=2123

Ralph
Click to expand...

:ditto::up:
 
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