Our Family Is Adopting and We Need Your Help

Discussion in 'General discussions' started by Poimen, Mar 16, 2019.

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  1. Poimen

    Poimen Puritan Board Post-Graduate

    My wife wrote the statement below. I am sharing it with you so that you know a little more about what we are doing. I would request of you: 1) that you read the entire post & 2) share the links that I have posted here and ask your friends to share them as well. Yes, we are asking for money and if you want to give that then great. But we also know that money is tight and there are many churches and missionaries that need your help, so only give as you feel free to do so. But whatever you do, please share the links on Facebook, email or whatever medium is your fancy.

    Thank you so much. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask them here or private message me.




    WE ARE ADOPTING!!! We are thrilled to announce that, Lord willing, we will be opening our home and hearts through international adoption. This is something both Daniel and I gave desired to do since before we were married and believe God has finally opened the door. We are looking to expand our family by adopting two siblings from Haiti.

    International adoption is very expensive and we need your help. We have already raised the $12,000 needed to cover our homestudy, PRIDE courses, psychological assessments and the initial payments to the agency and hope to cover the third and fourth agency payments through tight budgeting, local fundraising and grants but need your help raising the money for our second agency installment.

    We would like to thank you all in advance for sharing in the joy of our adoption journey.

    Love Daniel, Jennifer, Eliana and Seth

    Everyone who donates, no matter the size of the gift, will have their name written on a heart which will then be placed in a shadow box frame (made by my father) to be given as a gift to our children. If you wish to give anonymously, you can always email or message me your name afterwards.
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  2. Pergamum

    Pergamum Ordinary Guy (TM)

    Great! We will pray.
  3. timfost

    timfost Puritan Board Junior

    Adoption is both terrible and wonderful. Terrible because of the trauma the children experience coming from a broken home. Wonderful because it is the first step in rebuilding what was broken.

    And as adopted children of God, we also experience the healing that adoption brings, being redeemed from the curse brought by our first parents.

    We've adopted four daughters and are very much in the "thick" of parenting. It's not an easy ride, but we would do it again in a heartbeat!

    Congratulations, and keep us posted!
  4. Pergamum

    Pergamum Ordinary Guy (TM)

    Just a cautionary tale:

    -My wife and I pursued adoption for several years and many thousands of dollars.

    First, we had Bethany Christian Services actuallly laugh at us when we explained where we lived. "We want to take children OUT of environments like yours, not put them into them." The lady on the Bethany phone line told us, referring to our jungle home. I mentioned that my kids were happy, but by that point I was ticked. I asked her, "You seem to think money is what makes a fit parent?" She denied this, of course.

    -We finally took a few steps forward in the process and arranged a home visit to assess the state of our home. We were living on the mission field at that time and had to do this home study at a coastal rental house in our country instead of the interior remote post to make it seem more normal because I was still bathing in a creek and my wife from a bucket at this point. The nice Christian lady gave us a deep discount for the home study and flew out to our region and gave us advice on how to navigate the system. She was obviously called by God for such a role and we still remain grateful to this wonderful woman.

    So we successfully passed the "Home Study" phase, but then disaster hit...

    -The organization we went with suddenly got closed and investigated because they were giving kids out for adoption who were not true orphans. It was not quite trafficking, but corners were cut in documentation and kids were adopted out despite other family members in their village like aunts and grammas being nearby. There are now people in prison over this, and we lost over 10,000 USD. Our eyes were opened to the many abuses of the adoption "industry" and we were very sad.

    -We applied again with a different adoption agency, but the income requirements went up a bit and we were then told we didn't make enough money. They want you to be like over 125% of the poverty line, but living at even below the poverty line in a Third World country still puts you at the top 10% of the entire population of the country and the richest people for our entire region. BUT....we did not meet the requirement.

    -Also, some orgs do not process you if you say you are trying for more babies, etc. We don't believe in birth control. We want, and are open for more babies, but they penalize you for this in some agencies.


    -My parents are good people, and they wanted to help.

    -As an 11-13 year old kid my parents took in about 14-15 foster children over a 4 year period. My parents tried hard and we loved the kids, but it burned out my parents and I could see how it hurt them.

    -We learned that some families actually abused the foster care system as a scam (the gov't gives a small stipend per child). We could not imagine how any foster parent could MAKE money off a kid, because my dad bought them all new sets of clothes and toys and treated them the same as my sister and I. I got less toys and stuff as a conseqeuence of us cinching our belts, and I believe this was very good for me.

    But, sometimes the biological parents would get out of a drug treatment program and gain the kids back and sell the stuff we bought for these kids for drugs again, and they'd come back and we'd buy them clothes all over again. We felt like we were building a future for them, and then the kids would visit their real parents over the weekend and come back missing items of clothing or toys or come back depressed.

    We begin to adopt a little girl. We where most of the way through adopting this precious little girl who would have been my little sister. My mom woudl put piggy tales in her hair and we played stuffed animals together. But her mom lawyered up and went through another round of drug treatment at the last minute and held it together just long enough to cancel our process. While I hope the mom stayed clean, she was pretty much a piece of garbage for decades with no evidence of brain cells or capacity for turning, and it seemed that the little girl would have been better off had her mom died in an overdose than later scheme to stop our adoption process at the very last minute. She didn't seem to mind if her daughter half-starved while she binged and lived in human filth, over and over, but please don't give her little girl to a loving family who had already prepared a room and all things needed for her future.

    -The state also returned kids to parents who sexually abused them. We were alarmed by that. My dad taped their testimonies to show the gov't that the parents were not fit and were abusive, but his evidence was deemed inadmissible despite detailed descriptions of molestation by these drug-addled parents or their many boyfriends, and my dad was rebuked for playing the part of a lawyer. I remember my dad asking the social workers why THEY hadn't looked into it. The county seemed to sweep these crimes under the carpet or not pursue them because they were hard to prove and many scumbag lawyers defend these parents despite knowing their guilt.

    The US needs Foster Care and Adoption reform and better standards for social workers. Many are pieces of trash themselves.

    -I remember a big fat mouthy female black social worker (imagine all the worst stereotypes combined..and that was her) who herself had a broken family, divorced, and I think had multiple kids from multiple baby-daddies herself come to assess MY parents. This angered me that this woman was put in charge of judging the fitness of MY own parents, who were very good people.

    She then pulled me aside privately out of earshot of my parents in a room alone and closed the door, and began to ask me personal questions, which I believe was a violation. My dad angrily confronted her, "What do you think you are doing with MY kid?" I was respectful to her but I remember her asking me things about how good my parents were, and if they spanked me ("physically touched" she said, which seemed an odd way to phrase it). She seemed to be fishing for dirt. I remember replying to her with my own question, "How about you? How fit are YOU as a parent?"

    I was 11 or 12 then and I got very angry that this low-class piece of garbage was judging my parents. But what can you do when the gov't puts people in charge of you to assess families who themselves cannot hold a family together. She was very intrusive and proceeded to "teach" my parents how to properly parent a foster child.

    We ended up jaded and cynical and bitter and I saw my mother crying bitterly over a picture of this sweet little girl that we came so close to adopting. It viscerally hurt my guts to see this. My parents finally put all of her pictures away and her birth mother refused us any contact. I still grieve over this and remain bitter at times. I still pray for the little girl Jaime and wish her the best and grieve when I think of her probable childhood back with her mother and would be ready to receive her as a dear sister now if I could ever find her. I also came to deeply respect my parents and honor them because I saw their hearts in all of this, but I also discovered that things do not have happy endings in this world sometimes...at least for now.

    I will pray your experience is better.
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  5. OPC'n

    OPC'n Puritan Board Doctor

    I'm sorry for your experience and I know that KMK and Bawb had bad experiences also. I'm wondering if the bad experiences are USA related? I know people from church who adopted outside of the USA and they didn't seem to have horrible experiences (they adopted 3 children). Anyway, I wish someone smart could purpose some changes to the adoption process and CPS.
  6. Pergamum

    Pergamum Ordinary Guy (TM)

    When you adopt you invite the State into your home.

    Adoption is good, but giving the State a reason to come and see, judge, track, assess and evaluate you is always a bad idea. The government is NOT your friend.
  7. timfost

    timfost Puritan Board Junior

    Our four were adopted through foster care. Yes, it felt invasive at times, but the social workers and the agency was often apologetic about it. Most of the people we worked with were very good and we still have good relationships with them.

    I cannot speak for every area in the country, but our small-town did a good job overall and was easy to work with.
  8. Edward

    Edward Puritan Board Doctor

    CPS is in a no-win situation. They are overworked. If they intervene they are accused of improper state intervention in the family relationship. If they don't intervene, they get blamed for what happens to the child.

    If you are cooperative, they will generally leave you alone. If you resist, you make yourself a target. You might get a genuinely bad apple, but most of them have a heavy enough caseload that they won't stir things up just to entertain themselves.
  9. OPC'n

    OPC'n Puritan Board Doctor

    That isn’t Bawb and KWK’s experience, but I hope you’re right
  10. TheOldCourse

    TheOldCourse Puritan Board Sophomore

    I've a few friends who have adopted and haven't had substantial issues or complaints. We don't live in a major metropolitan area, however, and that can make a difference with government services. The DMV is still awful, however.
  11. ZackF

    ZackF Puritan Board Graduate

    I would guess that demographics can make a difference with the process. This has been hinted at. Infertile, upper middle class professional couples probably will average better experiences than single income homeschooling families with four children.
  12. Poimen

    Poimen Puritan Board Post-Graduate

    The process for adoption in Canada is just as daunting as it is in the United States. You have to be willing for strangers to pick through your past, present and presumed future to be approved. There is nothing comfortable about it but we have been blessed to be scrutinised by rather sympathetic parties.

    International adoption, which we are pursuing, is a little easier though. The standards are not as rigorous in terms of personal assessment but there is a trade-off: it takes more time and requires significantly more money.

    Speaking of which, if you would be so kind to share our go fund me account link with your friends (and aks them to share) on Facebook, Twitter etc. we would greatly appreciate it. https://www.gofundme.com/the-kok-family-adoption
    You can also stay up to date with the process via our Facebook page: www.facebook.com/groups/234620233895420/?ref=bookmarks

    We are working with an agency in Canada with whom we are rather pleased. They have a good track record and seem to know the process well. The agencies in Canada also undergo intense government scrutiny so that the foreign agencies & representatives they work with are legitimate and not simply buying and selling children to the highest bidder.

    We currently have two children and would have liked to have more but the Lord has decreed otherwise. At the same time, we have talked about adoption before we were married and we are not looking to grow our family so much as wanting to help the orphans of this world (James 1:27).

    My parents fostered a boy from infancy to adulthood and my brother and his wife have adopted a boy from birth. We have acquaintances that we know that are either in the process of adoption or have adopted. Their stories vary but God's providence rules them all.

    Which is to say, we don't think about it "working out" or making us better people or something like that. We simply believe we are in a position to do some good and we want to do it. It doesn't make us heroes or extraordinary Christians. God's will be done.
  13. arapahoepark

    arapahoepark Puritan Board Graduate

    Not to derail the thread at all but, I have say that I have many very close friends and family (mostly previous generation) who have been involved with this. Not a one has turned out well, even of the others I do know about; abuse, abuse, abuse. One died. 2007, my best friend's nephew. Colorado is seriously the worst in the developed world for social work; heck why called it developed.
  14. JTB.SDG

    JTB.SDG Puritan Board Sophomore

    I'm sorry for your experiences. That's a lot of heartache, and a lot of dollars too. But I don't think it has to be that way. (We have close friends that adopted internationally and it has been a blessing). Surely our brother is aware of stories like this and the possible heartache involved but they have felt led to take on this joyful burden and trust God for the outcome. I think he could use some encouragement in that.
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2019
  15. Poimen

    Poimen Puritan Board Post-Graduate

    Interestingly enough, the Talmud says the same thing.

    However, our experience has only been beneficial so far. Many social workers are decent people and genuinely want what is best for the child. How your interview goes will depend on those who are visiting and what they already have in their mind insofar as a Christian family goes.

    When we took our (mandated preparatory) courses we were surprised to hear that the Children's Aid Services do not want to go into your home and only do so because they are mandated by law when a complaint has been made. They are also overworked and understaffed. It is a very difficult calling and not for the faint of heart.
  16. terry43

    terry43 Puritan Board Freshman

    My daughter is a Social Worker for a RC private contracted agency ..The goal of her program is to try to keep children "at risk" of placement with the natural parents. She used to love her job, she loves all the kids she deals with.. but times are changing . As an example many of these birth families are completely non functional. No order or routine.. sheetlets mattresses on living room floors.. cockroaches and animal feces in the house.. When she started her job she could try to teach parenting care taking skills.. like the bedroom being a better place for the kids to sleep.. or encouraging regular bathing or cleaning.. she can no longer do that.. she is told their lifestyle is cultural and to let them choose these things.. She is at the point she is basically only doing wellness checks on kids to make sure they are not abused or starved.. trying to correct the home issues is just no longer a part of her job.. now the best she can do is make sure the school has a supply of clean clothes for the kids and that they get regular medical care (yes the parents do think those things are their jobs.. they are too often used to the school and stay feeding their kids breakfast lunch and now dinner.. the state provides a lousy head start that does not teach any personal responsibility to the kids or parents.. then there is now free after school care..

    My daughter is so disheartened ..she tries to help kids that even the parents are not interested in ...Where is the church? This is where we are needed..
  17. psycheives

    psycheives Puritan Board Freshman

    Just want to remind people to please not forget this worthy cause! We are all anti-abortion but often we forget that pro-adoption really is giving life. Taking a child who would be otherwise raised in the satanic world and raising them to know Christ is a HUGE deal. Please, if you are anti-abortion, make pro-adoption a priority and give even just $5 or $10 so these children might know our Lord.

    We have over 500 views on this thread. Even a small donation from everyone could help a ton.
  18. Poimen

    Poimen Puritan Board Post-Graduate

    Thank you Psyche for the wonderful write up.
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