Narcissism in Ministry

[greenbaggins]

I have been doing a little bit of reading on narcissism recently for various reasons, including a realization that I have some characteristics of this mental condition. There are many ways of defining narcissism, but probably the easiest way to define it is to remember the ancient myth from which the condition gets its name: Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection in the pool. Words like “ingrown,” “egotistical,” “selfishness” will readily come to mind in defining this condition. Being wrapped up in oneself might be the best single description we could use. Another definition I have seen goes something like this: the primary characteristic of narcissism is an inappropriate lack of boundaries between the narcissist and the other person, whom he will attempt to use in some way. The narcissist sees the other person as an extension of himself. So, the other person exists to fulfill the narcissist’s needs.

One of the things that has been interesting in the literature so far is that the authors I have read agree that our culture encourages narcissism. It is a respectable sin. We give huge amounts of both criticism and idol-worship to the rich and famous, and both of these things encourage narcissism. The fact of the matter is that pastors get this at both ends as well. We have people who love to encourage us, and we have people who love to criticize us. It is just as easy to get self-complacent with the adulation as it is to get defensive about the criticism. Without the grace of God, pastors will VERY often allow this two-pronged engine to drive us into full pathological narcissism. The ministry is all about the minister at that point. The minister usurps the place of Jesus Christ. He becomes the personal lord and savior of his flock. You know that your minister has a big problem with this if he both flares up at the criticism and practically fawns over those people who praise him. What is interesting about this mental condition is that the situation is usually encouraged, while the word describing the situation is feared.

However, it can actually be a relief to know that there is a name for this kind of malady. A lot of people cringe mightily when they hear the term “narcissism.” However, the term (in the literature) is used to describe a range of symptoms. Some people, like myself, have some but not all of the symptoms. It might therefore be more accurate to say that such a person has narcissistic tendencies.

For the pastor who has this, the hardest part is admitting it. Once it is admitted, however, in a very real sense, half the battle is over. Most pastors know from counseling others what needs to happen for people to become less wrapped up in themselves: things like attending the means of grace, service to others, evangelism, and simply making up one’s mind that they will be interested in other people’s lives for the sake of the other person, and not for what he can get out of it.

How do you know if you or someone you know is a narcissist? Here are some clues. 1. The person cannot receive criticism of any kind, no matter how gently phrased. Typically, the narcissist will turn the criticism back on the person offering it. The narcissist gets so good at this kind of deflection that the one trying to offer criticism will be made to feel extremely guilty. 2. The narcissist turns every conversation into something about himself. 3. The narcissist cannot converse on topics that do not immediately interest him. 4. The narcissist cannot understand why anyone cannot drop everything and do something for him.

What can a congregation do if their pastor is a narcissist? First of all, and most importantly, pray, pray, and pray some more. Constantly keep your pastor in prayer, especially about this issue, if it is known that he has a problem with it. Secondly, be very careful about how criticism and praise come to the pastor. Encouragement is very important to a pastor, so we cannot go to a position where the congregation decides it will never encourage the pastor, lest he “get a big head.” The Bible itself commands us to encourage and pray for our church leaders. So, this is not an option. The question is this: how do we do this in a way that will both build him up and not feed the narcissism? My suggestion is this: phrase the encouragement in terms of praising the Lord for how He has used the pastor instrumentally. That way the pastor knows that his labor is not in vain, but he is also reminded that God provides the growth and gets the glory. Start the sentence by saying, “The Lord has been using you to…”

Criticism can feed narcissism just as thoroughly as inordinate praise can. There will be times when a pastor needs to be brought up short. However, there is a way to do this and a way not to do this. Most of the time, when a criticism comes the way of the pastor, the congregant simply lashes out without any kind of thinking whatsoever. They are angry and upset, and so they just blast the pastor. The congregant needs to make a distinction in his mind between two things. Firstly, is the hurt caused by a difference in perspective about what the ministry is about? Or is it caused by a genuine offense? These are two very different things. No congregant should ever blast the pastor because they see ministry differently. Instead, they should take up the difference of perspective in a calm, reasonable conversation about it. If the hurt is caused by a genuine offense, then the proper course is to tell the pastor in as calm a voice as possible, what the particular action (or lack thereof) made them feel. Do not turn the pastor’s offense into an offense right back at him. This is done so often these days. The offended person escalates the conflict because they want to make the offender hurt as much as they do. The goal of talking about it is reconciliation. Nothing is accomplished by lashing back. Nothing is gained by attacking the personal character of the pastor because of just one offense. Remember to aim with a rifle, not a shotgun. Concentrate on the one issue at hand, and do not ever broaden the scope of the discussion beyond the one single issue. Oftentimes, when a congregant has a problem, they “pile on.” Everything they dislike about their minister comes out in one unhealthy deluge. This is not healthy, and will usually put a pastor on the defensive, which is best avoided at all costs, especially if the pastor is tempted to narcissism.

I believe that this issue is under-addressed in seminaries, and is certainly under-addressed by Christian authors. I did not find a single Christian book on narcissism. They are all written by secular psychologists. This is a very intriguing fact to me. Can it be that narcissism is so much winked at in our society (and even encouraged!) that the Christian church does not even see it as a problem? I believe, on the contrary, that it is a far more widespread problem than any of us imagine.

 

[Semper Fidelis]

Great post Lane. While we're publicly confessing our sins, I am convinced I have some narcissistic tendencies and have known, for some time, that I struggle with that issue (even before I was a Christian). The Marine Corps especially despises this tendency in its leaders and so I've had to work at this sin from a practical standpoint.

Having a son who is on the autism spectrum makes me wonder, at times, if I'm somewhere on that spectrum. In our culture where, once you label a person, we think we know everything we need to know and we can explain away behavior by a diagnosis, I hesitate to even share that. We increasingly have a very deterministic or medical model of human behavior and that may have something to do with Christians' hesitancy to embrace psychological terminology because we don't simply want to embrace both the bathwater and the baby. That said, if we look at some diagnostic categories then we can at least describe certain characteristics of individuals as you have done.

Most people wouldn't use the term narcissism to describe my son because his self-absorption seems rather accidental. I know narcissism doesn't necessarily have to carry all the freight of the story or how we use it but it often does. When used in a sentence it is usually used of someone who is grossly absorbed in him or herself. That doesn't mean it's not the only way but I would struggle classifying my son as having narcissistic tendencies where the term autistic tendencies describes the same characteristics without the idea that he really thinks he's worth the attention. My son is mostly oblivious to the fact that others are not interested in talking about their favorite super hero or Disney movie or sea creature. In fact, he's one of the most compassionate young people I've seen and it has been a witness of the effects of the Gospel to unbelieving relatives when he, all by himself, asks people how they are feeling when he learned they had cancer. Yet, in spite of himself, he sometimes cannot maturely relate to others.

I can honestly state that the Lord has been very kind to me in removing a lot of severely rough edges. That doesn't say they don't remain and I will admit to being thin-skinned at times or quick to rush to my own defense. I agree with you that knowing you struggle with wanting others to approve of you or avoiding criticism is very helpful. I've gone from being angry when people make fun of me to simply being self-deprecating when they call me a geek or a cheapskate in fun. I still struggle with interrupting people but am now apologetic when I catch myself.

Perhaps if I can offer another thought about being self-absorbed is that, when one is self-absorbed and knows it, it is often very frustrating when you want to change and find within yourself your very self warring against who you would like to be. This was true before I was a Christian. I envied others who had natural charisma and was not happy with what I perceived to be an unfair amount of praise given a relative lack of performance. I couldn't "turn on" charisma. It was something I just didn't have in the measure of others. Something that is very healing and sanctifying is to pray to be able to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. To be able to see in others a gift that you do not have and to praise God for the gift they have and to rejoice when they do well. It was something I could hardly do in the past and am now able to genuinely rejoice when I see people who used to work for me do better than I ever could because I lacked some of the gifts they had.

Anyway, thanks for the article and thanks for giving me an opportunity to share in such a way that drew a lot of attention to myself. Seriously, I am genuinely trying to share my own experience only because I know much more about my own thoughts and struggles with this area for the last 30+ years as well as trying to wisely train up a son who is struggling with a different form of self-absorption.

 

[MW]

Tremendous insights. This is getting to the heart of Christ's call to discipleship -- self-denial, cross-bearing, and following Him.

 

[Alan D. Strange]

Perhaps if I can offer another thought about being self-absorbed is that, when one is self-absorbed and knows it, it is often very frustrating when you want to change and find within yourself your very self warring against who you would like to be.

But enough about me, let's talk about you

This is the sort of thing about which one spends the whole life in pursuit of the cure. We can know it in a measure here, thanks be to God, but only in a small degree as compared to how we will know it there! God grant us all hearts to die to this self-focus and to live to righteousness.

I am put in mind of the great sermon by Benjamin Breckinridge Warfield, "Imitating the Incarnation" (http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/b...10/09/Warfield-Imitating-the-Incarnation2.pdf).

Peace,
Alan

 

[ZackF]

Wow. Pastor Lane, I've always enjoyed your blog. Glad to see you here posting more again! How does that help?

 

[greenbaggins]

Wow. Pastor Lane, I've always enjoyed your blog. Glad to see you here posting more again! How does that help?

Mostly, I hope to help the church with my posting. There are dangers, of course, associated with posting on blogs and on boards like the PB with regard to narcissism.

 

[reaganmarsh]

Thanks for the post, Rev. Keister, from another pastor who struggles with these tendencies as well.

 

[whirlingmerc]

Pastors are people and everyone needs feedback and firm helpful reminders from leaders. No feedback and there are less restraints. Feedback too harsh and it gets dismissed or not listened too

Sometimes narcissism is misdiagnosed by others. Even David's brother's misunderstood David's motives for showing up at the battle
and maybe sometimes the self doesn't understand the motives... God may put a strong desire into a person's heart to do something or maybe the person confuses their strong desire with God's will

 

[Jack K]

I think there are Reformed believers who've written extensively about this. They don't tend to use the term "narcissism," but they describe the same inner impulses and self-absorbed sins, and they point out that this is a particular danger for those in ministry. It sounds like the same struggle, or something very similar. In the PCA, these discussions seem to take place mostly within what's been labelled the "pietist" wing of the denomination (not to be confused with the Pietist tradition associated with Methodists and the like). Since I travel in those circles, I hear confessions like this frequently.

It seems less common in the PCA's "doctrinal" circles (like the PuritanBoard), but not surprising and always good for the heart! I believe that in this life most of us will always struggle against the urge to turn ministry inward so that it becomes largely about us and the approval or love from others that we crave, and we will struggle to be truly interested in others instead of self-absorbed. These things surely are a struggle for me.

 

[moral necessity]

I did not find a single Christian book on narcissism. They are all written by secular psychologists. This is a very intriguing fact to me.

Perhaps the narcissists would tend to be ones who write books, thinking they have something important to say, or that their thoughts are worthy to be etched in print. Hence, few might recognize the subject within themselves enough to write about it.

The secular psychologist would cover the topic as part of their field of study.

The humble might hold his thoughts within, and write when/if the need arises, often being pressed/confirmed by others to do so, and willing to defer the task to someone else who might say it better.

Just a thought...



Thank you for your post, Lane...it was a good read.

Blessings and prayers,

 

[Pergamum]

I wonder if narciccism afflicts missionaries and street preachers more? Since there is a desire or need to highlight one's ministries and post pictures of them doing things on the field, etc?

 

[Alan D. Strange]

I think that Jack is right, though I chose not to point that out because I didn't wish to interrupt "Lane's confession" and am glad for us here to have such a disussion.

I suspect that the reason that the term itself ("narcissism") is not used much in Reformed literature has to do with "narcissistic personality disorder" (NPD), which has become so closely connected with it as a clinical diagnosis, and is all highly disputed (as it was in reaction to the DSM IV, with many wanting it withdrawn as a disorder, though it was redrawn for the DSM V). As for as NPD is concerned, those who have it (they estimate 1% of the GP), are rather troubled (pathological) folk.

I take that Lane meant it in a broader, more historic sense, not as a clinical diagnosis. But for many today who are familiar with such, the word "narcissism" evokes the clinical definition. What Lane has said, as Jack indicated, is something that many of us battle and all us need to grow in humility, which is not native to, and in fact highly opposed to, us all after the Fall. We tend to be self-centered and need daily to be challenged in such.

Again, I cannot commend that sermon of Warfield too highly.

Peace,
Alan

 

[Jack K]

I wonder if narciccism afflicts missionaries and street preachers more? Since there is a desire or need to highlight one's ministries and post pictures of them doing things on the field, etc?

Yes, for missionaries, I think. At the very least, they tend to strongly feel the need to perform and to prove that they are actually doing some good. I wouldn't know about street preachers.