Lawyer Jokes

Not open for further replies.


Puritan Board Junior
My apologies to you lawyers out there, but I get a kick out of lawyer jokes and here is a good one:

A man and his young daughter were walking through a graveyard observing the vaired gravestones when they ran across one that read: Here Lies a Lawyer and a Good Man.
The young lady after a moments thought stated: Look dad they buried two people in this grave!:D

Average Joey

Puritan Board Junior
How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?

An ambulance stopped suddenly.

What is a criminal lawyer?


Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

No changes occur.

How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?

The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?

The bucket.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

No? Good!

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice.

If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?

Who cares?

[removed one questionable joke]

[Edited on 4-4-05 by pastorway]

Average Joey

Puritan Board Junior
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?

Never enough.

Why have some cities outlawed lawyers from going to the beach?

Because the cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.

What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them, but you never see them.

What do lawyers do after they die?

They lie still.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?

A doberman pinscher.

What's the definition of mixed emotions?

Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?

Because they´re used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

My favorite:

When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?

Because deep down, they're really nice guys.:lol:


Puritan Board Junior
Fred we just want to make it clear. We love ya brother. Want to make it clear that there are a number of good caring lawyers out there, and these jokes aren't about you three :bigsmile:

Oops did it again, no really in all seriousness we thank God for those brothers and sisters who are Lawyers and respect the law, and more importantly God's law which of necessity is the basis of any true code of laws. God Bless you and your family Fred.:handshake:


Puritan Board Senior
Poor Fred. :lol:


I heard a variation on one of the jokes told above:

Why won't lawyers order shark at a seafood restaraunt ?

Professional courtesy.


Puritan Board Professor
I used to be in law school... here is one my favorites...

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a flounder?

A. One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish.
Not open for further replies.