Hospitality Today

[nickipicki123]

This conversation was happening in another thread, but it wasn't relevant to the OP, so I thought I would bring it over here.


How should Christians be hospitable to strangers? It seems that throughout the Bible we see examples of and commands to house strangers.

Should we agree to let anyone into our house, or should we be concerned about the safety of our families?

 

[Stephen L Smith]

I'm sure you would find this a help "The Gospel Comes With a House Key"

 

[Pergamum]

Thoughts:

We are missionaries that often travel all over. We've stayed with many people.

Here are our thoughts:

(1) Hospitality is good, but most people do not do it very well.

(2) And there is no way to get out of a bad situation once you accept. You just have to bear through it. If you agree to stay the night at a personal house and something is really off, there is no way that is not awkward to excuse yourself and escape the situation.

Example: A pastor INSISTED we stay with him. "No...no..we'd never think of having you at a hotel, come stay with us..." but when we arrived they put us on a couch and floor! All 4 of us at the time (including a baby/toddler). What is more, our couch and floor were on the way to the bathroom so that every time someone got up to go to the bathroom, they tip-toed around us. After travelling for a week straight this was not welcome. Especially when the town had many fine and affordable hotels that we had planned to pay for ourselves.

When we found out that this same pastor had called ahead and arranged our "hospitality" at the next stop, we just went to a hotel and told him we were too tired and needed a good night's sleep, to his great consternation. He had no idea why we would ever be hesitant to stay at another lodging situation that he had arranged.

After 2 or 3 more experiences like this, we simply always stay at a hotel unless we really know the family.

(3) Staying at a person's house means you are a guest and give up your agency. Staying at a hotel means retaining your freedom. You are a guest at one place, and the paying customer at the other. That makes a difference.

Example: I stayed at a house but had other meetings in that same town booked for weeks prior. The pastor where we stayed then scheduled me also for a different meeting at that house for a dinner crowd without asking me. He assumed that because we were lodging with him, then my whole day was under his scheduling. Very awkward. So to get around the problem of having 2 meetings booked the same night (the one I scheduled prior and the one the pastor scheduled) I tried to invite my party to the dinner party. Afterwards, the pastor remarked that since I was invited by their church they assumed my time was "theirs" (as if I was on their clock or something outside of the church's meeting times).

(4) Some people have different rules or manners in their home that you may not have.

Examples: How will you respond when a stranger begins to check your kids' catechism answers? Or when they correct your kids for having elbows on their tables? Or pull out the the idiotic and pedantic "can I" versus "may I" distinction and insist your kid says it "the right way" for them to get what they need.

At a hotel you are freeer to do what you want or need to do.

Example: I have fallen arches from going barefoot in the jungle. I must wear shoes or my feet ache, especially when walking on concrete or hardwood floors. What if you stay at a private home and the host insists you take your shoes off at the door? One family did so (for the sake of cleanliness) but then lived with a huge dog that slobbered all over both me and my aching bare feet. This was very aggravating.

(5) If you stay at someone's house and you break something, it is more awkward:

Example: What if your kid over-flows the toilet in the house? What if your kid misbehaves? Breaks some angel figurine off the shelf. In a hotel it is a simple financial or maintenance issue, but at a private home, it is evidence that you've got family issues, etc.


My advice: Meals are easier. Invite people over to eat. But if someone lodges with you, make sure you have a good sense of hospitality.

 

[ZackF]

Thoughts:

We are missionaries that often travel all over. We've stayed with many people.

Here are our thoughts:

(1) Hospitality is good, but most people do not do it very well.

(2) And there is no way to get out of a bad situation once you accept. You just have to bear through it. If you agree to stay the night at a personal house and something is really off, there is no way that is not awkward to excuse yourself and escape the situation.

Example: A pastor INSISTED we stay with him. "No...no..we'd never think of having you at a hotel, come stay with us..." but when we arrived they put us on a couch and floor! All 4 of us at the time (including a baby/toddler). What is more, our couch and floor were on the way to the bathroom so that every time someone got up to go to the bathroom, they tip-toed around us. After travelling for a week straight this was not welcome. Especially when the town had many fine and affordable hotels that we had planned to pay for ourselves.

When we found out that this same pastor had called ahead and arranged our "hospitality" at the next stop, we just went to a hotel and told him we were too tired and needed a good night's sleep, to his great consternation. He had no idea why we would ever be hesitant to stay at another lodging situation that he had arranged.

After 2 or 3 more experiences like this, we simply always stay at a hotel unless we really know the family.

(3) Staying at a person's house means you are a guest and give up your agency. Staying at a hotel means retaining your freedom. You are a guest at one place, and the paying customer at the other. That makes a difference.

Example: I stayed at a house but had other meetings in that same town booked for weeks prior. The pastor where we stayed then scheduled me also for a different meeting at that house for a dinner crowd without asking me. He assumed that because we were lodging with him, then my whole day was under his scheduling. Very awkward. So to get around the problem of having 2 meetings booked the same night (the one I scheduled prior and the one the pastor scheduled) I tried to invite my party to the dinner party. Afterwards, the pastor remarked that since I was invited by their church they assumed my time was "theirs" (as if I was on their clock or something outside of the church's meeting times).

(4) Some people have different rules or manners in their home that you may not have.

Examples: How will you respond when a stranger begins to check your kids' catechism answers? Or when they correct your kids for having elbows on their tables? Or pull out the the idiotic and pedantic "can I" versus "may I" distinction and insist your kid says it "the right way" for them to get what they need.

At a hotel you are freeer to do what you want or need to do.

Example: I have fallen arches from going barefoot in the jungle. I must wear shoes or my feet ache, especially when walking on concrete or hardwood floors. What if you stay at a private home and the host insists you take your shoes off at the door? One family did so (for the sake of cleanliness) but then lived with a huge dog that slobbered all over both me and my aching bare feet. This was very aggravating.

(5) If you stay at someone's house and you break something, it is more awkward:

Example: What if your kid over-flows the toilet in the house? What if your kid misbehaves? Breaks some angel figurine off the shelf. In a hotel it is a simple financial or maintenance issue, but at a private home, it is evidence that you've got family issues, etc.


My advice: Meals are easier. Invite people over to eat. But if someone lodges with you, make sure you have a good sense of hospitality.

This caution is helpful. I would extend this other scenarios besides missionary travel. I loathe 'hospitality' with strings attached. Surely if you look up passive-aggressive in a textbook such an example is given. God bless you for being able to handle that. My fiance, now wife, suffered through a similar time in the week before our wedding while staying with a friend. This friend sought to monopolize her time and even enlisted her preteen daughter to guilt trip my fiance all the while we were trying to prep for the wedding.

Lord willing and weather cooperating we are going to my wife's hometown for Thanksgiving week. I've already booked hotels for every night that we will be away including stops on the trip. As long as I can afford it, I'd rather spend the extra money. Since having a family we've found our trips far more enjoyable and less exhausting with neutral territory to escape to. Having a 1yo baby that hasn't traveled much is another wildcard. When I was single my standards were lower but with a family things are different. While some extended families have the necessary cohesiveness and keep necessary boundaries in place... some don't.

 

[ZackF]

Regarding the OP. I like Butterfield and plan to read her new book as I've read her others. If you listen to her talks on hospitality she is very clear that hospitality be done with an openness and accountability to the church.

note: Butterfield's book wasn't in the OP.

 

[Pergamum]

Regarding the OP. I like Butterfield and plan to read her new book as I've read her others. If you listen to her talks on hospitality she is very clear that hospitality be done with an openness and accountability to the church.

note: Butterfield's book wasn't in the OP.

I don't understand this phrase, "...hospitality be done with an openness and accountability to the church." Can you explain?

 

[ZackF]

I don't understand this phrase, "...hospitality be done with an openness and accountability to the church." Can you explain?

Yes. She talks about how hospitality should be done openly and prayerfully with accountability to the church for safety, guidance and needed boundaries. Let the session and others know what is going on so they can help and even provide relief when you family needs it.

For example if your family has been having a middle aged newly widowed women over a few nights per week for dinner and prayer and your family needs some privacy some church families can step in and help out for awhile.

 

[Edward]

Should we agree to let anyone into our house, or should we be concerned about the safety of our families?

The WLC seems pretty clear on the point. "to preserve the life of ourselves and others ... and protecting and defending the innocent." WLC 135

 

[Grant]

The WLC seems pretty clear on the point. "to preserve the life of ourselves and others ... and protecting and defending the innocent." WLC 135

I agree. In America especially because people often us the term “Christian” as a cloak. Maybe I would be less concerned about vetting in a different cultural context where being a Christian could get you imprisoned or killed. To be clear when someone says they are a “Christian” we should take it serious, but in America especially (and unfortunately) that often needs to be vetted in a stranger.

I have 2 little girls, and if a stranger tells me “Hey I am a Christian and I want to stay in your house”, I may sooner just have them over for meals and pay for them a hotel room. In my Job I often rack up the hotel points and see being able to give someone a free hotel stay as a blessing. They may as well enjoy the privacy as the only room in my house where no one else is sleeping is my laundry room, bathroom, kitchen, and living room.

 

[Ryan&Amber2013]

By inviting new visitors and those you don't know all that well in the church, over for supper.

 

[Jeri Tanner]

Back in the 70’s my family was influenced by certain voices and movements in the church so that we believed we should offer hospitality to anyone who asked or was recommended. That didn’t turn out very well.
I don’t think Hebrews 13:2 is telling us to let just anyone into our house.

I do think maybe we have too individual an idea of what the verse means. The whole congregation is being addressed in Hebrews... maybe it’s that hospitality needs to be taught and plans made for it as a congregational thing.

 

[bookslover]

A little sanctified common sense goes a long way.

 

[hammondjones]

Moved post from other thread.... I found Calvin's thoughts on (disapproval of) inns interesting, though they may not necessarily translate across all times and cultures.

Calvin disapproved of inns because he believed that persons travelling -- i.e., those who frequent inns -- should be offered food, drink, and accommodation cost-free in private homes. Inns, simply put, testify to the failure of (Christian) folk to extend hospitality -- that is, food, drink, and accommodation -- to those in need. Inns, in other words, "prove...that the principal duty of humanity has become obsolete among us."

http://www.reformation21.org/blog/2015/10/against-hotels-calvin-on-gen-1.php

 

[Ben Zartman]

Moved post from other thread.... I found Calvin's thoughts on (disapproval of) inns interesting, though they may not necessarily translate across all times and cultures.




http://www.reformation21.org/blog/2015/10/against-hotels-calvin-on-gen-1.php

Inns are a necessity, and provide a good service. Didn't the Good Samaritan in Jesus' parable put up his neighbor in a inn? Jesus found that commendable, evidently. Mary and Joseph would have been glad to stay at the inn.
As has been pointed out above, being a guest in someone's personal home can be awkward; you are kind of at their beck and call, and have a duty to politeness that might not accord with your schedule or level or weariness.
I have been put up at many people's houses when travelling, and it can be a very lovely thing, but I've also been very grateful to be able to book a hotel room in a strange town when on the road without having to wake up my neighbor late at night to ask for a loaf of bread or whatever the guy in the parable did.
I guess I think Calvin was wrong here...