Heretic Dishes

Discussion in 'The Iron Chef' started by Knoxienne, Apr 18, 2009.

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  1. Theognome

    Theognome Burrito Bill

    Creflo Dollar Pancakes

    Mix the finest, most expensive flour with imported spring water. Fry on titanium pans. Expect wealth to come through this recipe.

  2. DMcFadden

    DMcFadden Puritanboard Commissioner

    Fuller Seminary Blue Plate Special

    Carefully prepare and attractively present he following complete entre items and accompaniments (note: give due attention to gender distribution of chefs, cooks, and all waitstaff with a view to collaboration, non-hierarchical self-governing teams, and avoiding gender stereotyping of roles remembering that we are all called to a ministry of diakonia):

    Arminian antipasto (be careful since some of them have a habit of slipping away through the fingers "holding" them)
    Baptist BBQ (completely immersed in lively non-alcoholic sauce)
    Calvinian cheese (specially pre-selected and persevering)
    Emergent vegetarian escargot in beer broth (Seems like a contradiction doesn't it? Oh well, learn to live with the cognitive dissonance hang over from your modernist rationalism. If you don't like the item, just drink the beer)
    Methodist mushrooms (raised in the dark on an interesting diet of impurities)
    Pentecostal holy bird soup (to be consumed feathers and all)
    Presbyterian potroast (sprinkle only a dash of spices, cook moderately, and serve decently and in order)
    Roman rutabaga (nobody really likes these, but the seminary president insists on having some on the menu for reasons of diversity and inclusiveness especially when inviting the Los Angeles cardinal to speak in chapel)
    Seeker seafood surprise (the surprise is that it is really cotton candy and marshmallows shaped like seafood but intended to satisfy the lowest common denominator of taste -- sickly sweet and insubstantial with no sour, bitter, or salty).

    Now place an absolutely equal portion of all menu items in a blender, stir vigorously until homogenized, and serve in a bowl. If asked what it is, just repeat after me . . . "on the one hand, but on the other hand," "we can't really judge what someone finds sustaining to them," "I don't know, what do you think it looks like?", "I can assure you that it is an absolutely eco-just, egalitarian, socially conscious, green, collection of the very best of our richly diverse community of ingredients . . . "
  3. Classical Presbyterian

    Classical Presbyterian Puritan Board Junior

    Mainline Cream Puffs: They look substantial and pleasing from the bakery window, but take a bite into them and you get more air than substance.
  4. Rich Koster

    Rich Koster Puritan Board Post-Graduate

    Cindy Jacobs cupcakes:

    Release that frosting bring that cupcake back up here Release that frosting I declare this is the year of chocolate frosting!!!!
  5. DMcFadden

    DMcFadden Puritanboard Commissioner

    Bart Ehrman's Perfectly Rich Chocolate Cake

    Dr. Ehrman contends that the scholarly cooking community recognizes the problems of authenticity in some of the traditional offerings baked and served up to the unsuspecting public as nourishing and delicious food. He has produced a series of books unmasking this conspiracy to hide the truth from the people and to offer them baked items without hypocrisy and phony claims. What follows is an example of Dr. Ehrman's "Perfectly Rich Chocolate Cake."

    •2 cups sugar
    •1-3/4 cups all-purpose flour
    •3/4 cup HERSHEY'S Cocoa
    •1-1/2 teaspoons baking powder
    •1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda
    •1 teaspoon salt
    •2 eggs
    •1 cup milk
    •1/2 cup vegetable oil
    •2 teaspoons vanilla extract
    •1 cup boiling water

    1. Heat oven to 350°F. Grease and flour two 9-inch round baking pans.

    2. Remove the sugar, flour, cocoa, eggs, and milk since we do not know if they are authentic or not. Different recipe's record various combinations of them in differing amounts. We cannot be sure if the recipe comes from Dr. Ehrman or is the result of a later recension, scribal interpolations, etc. Taking seriously the maxim, lectio brevior lectio potior, we should assume that the original Alexandrian recipe did not have the Byzantine items of sugar, flour, cocoa, eggs, and milk which are probably later additions to the recipe. Stir together the remaining ingredients in large bowl. Stir in boiling water (batter will be thin). Pour batter into prepared pans.

    3. Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes; remove from pans to wire racks. Cool completely. Frost with Ehrman's "PERFECTLY CHOCOLATE" CHOCOLATE FROSTING. 10 to 12 servings.
  6. PresbyDane

    PresbyDane Puritanboard Doctor

  7. Davidius

    Davidius Puritan Board Post-Graduate

    I saw Professor Ehrman leaving the dining hall the other day...wonder if he had one of these for dessert... :think:
  8. Berean

    Berean Puritanboard Commissioner

    I won't even ask what we should use for an oven for these recipes. :cool:
  9. Rich Koster

    Rich Koster Puritan Board Post-Graduate

    Paul Crouch baked potatoes:

    Put one big Idaho potato into my oven. Heat your oven to 400 deg for 1 hour. Open oven and you will have 40, 60 even 100 potatoes to serve your guests.

    -----Added 4/18/2009 at 10:06:32 EST-----

    Don't we want to belly up to the bar for something to wash that down with:lol:
  10. Blue Tick

    Blue Tick Puritan Board Graduate

    Home baked Mormon Apple Pie

    JW Steak House

    Marcion Mac and Cheese

    Pelagian Puttenesca

    Free Will Tater Tots

    Joseph Smith Biscuit Company

    Brigham Young Chicken

    Joel Osteen Family Picnic Lunchables

    T.D Jakes T.V. Dinners

    Angel Moroni Angel Food Cake

    Anton Levey Devils Food Cake

    Gnostic Goulash

    Ex cathedra Cassorole

    Arian Apple Sauce

    Docetism Dim Sum

    Antinomianism Anti Pasta
  11. Marrow Man

    Marrow Man Drunk with Powder

    Sounds like you need a jug of Cane Ridge Corn Liquor to wash that down. I hear it's so good it'll make you bark like a dog!
  12. Rich Koster

    Rich Koster Puritan Board Post-Graduate

    I see you are a friend!!! You didn't offer me Jonestown Kool Aid:cheers2:
  13. Marrow Man

    Marrow Man Drunk with Powder

    Nice one!
  14. Rich Koster

    Rich Koster Puritan Board Post-Graduate

    Todd Bentley Chicken:

    Take a whole chicken and kick it in the breast to tenderize.
    Season with Mistress's Secret season salt.
    Roast at 350 deg for 2 hours.
    Cut into quarters.
    Bam!!! Throw a piece on your buddies plate.
    Bam!!! Bam!!! Bam!!! Bam!!! Serves four.
    Are you ready for the good stuff?

    Branham Fried Rice:

    Cook some rice and put it into a wok owned by an Eastern mystic. Add whatever ingredients the angel tells you to. It will dazzle untrained palates and leave them wanting more.

    Saddleback Sausage:

    Take whatever spice you like and whatever meat you like. Mix it all up, grind it all up, squeeze it all in and,cook it all up. Guaranteed to attract a crowd of people who will eat whatever you feed them.
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2009
  15. DonP

    DonP Puritan Board Junior

    Harold Camping He's Coming Fake Family Cake

    Scofield Division Rapture Delight

    And of course the Dispensational Diet from Dallas Theol Seminary The :
    Walvoord, Chafer, Ryrie, Hendrikcs, Hodges, Wilkinson, Chuck Swindol you out of your spirituality fundamental Diet
  16. Marrow Man

    Marrow Man Drunk with Powder

    I knew I should have bought that Gwen Shamblin Weigh Down Diet Cookbook!!!
  17. OPC'n

    OPC'n Puritan Board Doctor

    Well, I think we have enough dishes to choke a horse!
  18. DonP

    DonP Puritan Board Junior

    Did anyone mention the Billy Come Forward Sundae? - Repeat as often as you feel necessary

    or the

    Billy Graham Cracker Crust - Low cal, no filling

    Am I getting to close to home?
  19. Marrow Man

    Marrow Man Drunk with Powder

    Careful, Don -- the dieters might come after you for those last two!
  20. DonP

    DonP Puritan Board Junior

    Sarah is that you and another sis or niece?

    Don't you two have any Rev Ike Spike tea - you get to keep the gold cup, if you send in a donation only.
  21. Marrow Man

    Marrow Man Drunk with Powder

    Rev. Ike tea -- now that's a sweet drink even a non-heretic can like!
  22. DonP

    DonP Puritan Board Junior

    Its ok they don't have enough substance to take me down? And they will have to look through all of the dispensations to find me.
    I will be in Israel and they will never look for a Christian there so I am safe.
  23. Marrow Man

    Marrow Man Drunk with Powder

    Ouch! I think I burned my tongue on that last hot dish!
  24. OPC'n

    OPC'n Puritan Board Doctor

    That's my sister and me...I"m on the left and I'm MUCH younger! :lol:
  25. DonP

    DonP Puritan Board Junior

    Well I could go to Clown Cake
    or Kline Historical Suzerain Treats

    if we don't draw real clear lines...??

    Antinomian Lawless lifestyle Linguine

    Arminian Limitless cookbook - they use the

    Resistible, Free will add whatever you want, whenever you want recipes

    Partialy Depraved Chocolate Cake

    and other Lose Your Soul Sinful Desserts
  26. Rich Koster

    Rich Koster Puritan Board Post-Graduate

    That's dessert for after the Finney roast chicken.
  27. DonP

    DonP Puritan Board Junior

  28. Marrow Man

    Marrow Man Drunk with Powder

  29. Whitefield

    Whitefield Puritan Board Junior

    Am I the only one who finds this a bit strange?
  30. DonP

    DonP Puritan Board Junior

    You must not have had enough of the Ike Spike tea yet

    I was wondering if I needed to repent

    naaaw I will to just wash up a bit in the Arminian No Law fon due fountain.
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