Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II response to Fire and Fury

Discussion in 'Entertainment and Humor' started by Stephen L Smith, Jan 6, 2018.

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  1. Stephen L Smith

    Stephen L Smith Moderator Staff Member

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has been concerned that some Fire and Fury has caused citizens of the United States to get rather Trumped up. She has made the following announcement:


    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

    8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling Ginger beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Ginger beer will be referred acceptable.

    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    God Save the Queen!

    PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)! [​IMG] [​IMG]

    Note to Moderators - Her Majesty the Queen requests that you change this forum to "HUMOUR" :)
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  2. Rutherglen1794

    Rutherglen1794 Puritan Board Sophomore

    One can dream.
  3. ZackF

    ZackF Puritan Board Graduate

    Do we get to keep our dentists and public restrooms
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  4. Gforce9

    Gforce9 Puritan Board Junior

    What is the Queen's policy on leftism, entitlementism and on snowflake-ism? Could she bust up the Chicago political machine? If this change would eradicate these things, we might have something...... One more thing- we law-abiding citizens will be hanging on to our firearms....no rule would fix the inner cities or the coveteousness of mens hearts and even the Royal Guard would run for their lives from places like L.A. and the South side of Chicago..........just sayin'..........
  5. Ask Mr. Religion

    Ask Mr. Religion Flatly Unflappable

  6. Stephen L Smith

    Stephen L Smith Moderator Staff Member

    Are you suggesting her Majesty appoint a Governer in Canada to rule the USA? :p
  7. Stephen L Smith

    Stephen L Smith Moderator Staff Member

    Queen Elizabeth II is Queen of New Zealand and we have Dentists and public restrooms.
  8. Stephen L Smith

    Stephen L Smith Moderator Staff Member

    Queen Elizabeth II is Queen of my country and we get by nicely without citizens holding onto firearms. The police in New Zealand are not armed except for specific dangerous situations (such as armed defenders callouts).
  9. JOwen

    JOwen Puritan Board Junior

    Can't revoke an independence won by war. ;) Canada asked for independence, the USA took it by force.
  10. ZackF

    ZackF Puritan Board Graduate

    Mr. Smith, you see from the responses it looks like things are best kept the way they are. Already enough wars and rumors of wars.

    P.S. I do give your Motherland kudos for Brexit. If I were a Brit that's how I would have voted.
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2018
  11. Stephen L Smith

    Stephen L Smith Moderator Staff Member

    Her majesty believes the easiest way to revoke "1776" is by taking over the USA Government when it is in "shutdown" mode. Firstly, this would be a takeover without bloodshed; Secondly, it would save the USA Government the heartache of starting up again; Thirdly, the Government shutdowns have convinced her Majesty that "1776" was not a good idea in the first place. :lol:

    I met the Queen when she visited my country in the 1970's. She is indeed a sweet lady :)
  12. Gforce9

    Gforce9 Puritan Board Junior

    Something the Queen may wish to consider before undertaking the endeavor (or endeavour, if you wish):

    The various governmental entities here have become rather corrupt. Our elected officials have made life-long careers of thievery of its citizens and has fed and built quite a cash cow via taxation that they will not just turn over. All the life-long benefits that Congress has was voted upon and approved by, you guessed it, Congress. We have politicians who have been caught with cold cash in their freezer, we had a fast-swimming, drunken chauffer from Massachusetts, and, in Chicago, the politics are so corrupt, we just call it the Chicago Machine. All of these entities have used intimidation and threats to maintain the castle they have erected. Like the medieval castles of old, these will not just be vacated. Please advise Her Majesty that the well armed citizenry here is not what she needs to worry about; the federal legislative branch may just do her in if they feel threatened. She should treat such like gangsters and thugs who will not play nice....:D
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