Godly courtship/arranged marriages?

[RamistThomist]

I agree with Phillip. I have seen train wrecks in both dating and courtship (fortunately, not in my own life). I think courtship is designed to keep down the emotional scars that come with dating, but it is not infallible. Thanks, Phillip, for posting that. ALthough I consider courtship to be the most biblical, it is good to point out horror stories from every side.

 

[Mrs.SolaFide]

Originally posted by satz

I want to highlight a quote from MissSolaFide from earlier in this discussion:

Quote:
God will arrange for the marriage at the time that best serves His purpose.


That is exactly correct.

While i would agree with the above, doesn't God ordain everything to happen at the times he sees fit?

I don't see how the above statement means that we should not be taking active steps to look for a spouse if we are considering marriage?

Just seeking to understand...

Mark,

Yes, God foreordains everything to happen at the time he sees fit - that was precisely my point. My implication was not that single people should sit idly by and wait for the perfect spouse to walk through their door - more, it was to say that if we are wholly consumed with living righteously in a way that is pleasing and glorifying to God, then he will arrange for the circumstances by which singles will meet their mates (Isaac & Rebekah). In the same way that salvation is out of our control & yet we try to "get in" by works, so is God's Providence out of our control & yet we try to hasten the end (marriage) by unnecessary & unbiblical means (online dating services, godless dating relationships, etc.). I agree that there are appropriate actions to be taken by singles who wish to be joined in the covenant of marriage - but I don't think that casually dating every "prospect" that comes along is one of them. I know that's not what you are suggesting; I'm just trying to clarify my opinion

 

[Romans922]

Originally posted by reformed_farmers_wife

Originally posted by Romans922

Originally posted by LawrenceU
Ah, but Christ pursues only those whom the Father has given. (John 6:37)

That is beside the whole point. Husbands are to pursue their wives as Christ pursued the Church. That is ALL husbands are to pursue the wives, like Christ pursued the Church.

Andrew,

How is this beside the point? Do you think that a man should be pursuing every girl he finds attractive because she MAY be his future wife? I think that you should be absolutely sure the girl your pursuing is God's perfect mate for you!

I agree with those who said that it isn't our responsibility to go searching for our children's future husband or wife. God brought my husband to me when it was His perfect time. Believe me, I had gone looking, at a Christian camp I worked for 4 summer after high school, at my own home church, etc. But God choose to bring my husband to me from across the state almost into my back yard! God is in control and He knows what He is doing!

How can you know if a girl is perfect for you unless you pursue her, to get to know her? I dont know about you but I am not all knowing, I would never want to ask someone to marry me if I never hung out with them for a while.

 

[VirginiaHuguenot]

The Courtship of Miles Standish

 

[biblelighthouse]

Originally posted by kevin.carroll

You may have a difficult time bucking the cultural trend there. I know there are some groups that try to practice courtship in this country, but I have no idea how successful it is. I suspect it isn't.

It is extremely successful at my church.

However, I would agree that the successful pockets are probably few and far between. Nevertheless, I believe one family can stick to a courtship model, regardless of the culture. I have 3 daughters myself, so I've had to think about this too.

Once my daughters are old enough, and a young man is interested in one of them, he will either respect my wishes regarding courtship, or he won't get to court my daughter!

 

[Poimen]

Originally posted by biblelighthouse
Once my daughters are old enough, and a young man is interested in one of them, he will either respect my wishes regarding courtship, or he won't get to court my daughter!

Puritan!

 

[BrianBowman]

Originally posted by biblelighthouse

Originally posted by kevin.carroll

You may have a difficult time bucking the cultural trend there. I know there are some groups that try to practice courtship in this country, but I have no idea how successful it is. I suspect it isn't.

It is extremely successful at my church.

However, I would agree that the successful pockets are probably few and far between. Nevertheless, I believe one family can stick to a courtship model, regardless of the culture. I have 3 daughters myself, so I've had to think about this too.

Once my daughters are old enough, and a young man is interested in one of them, he will either respect my wishes regarding courtship, or he won't get to court my daughter!

Joseph, to this I give a hearty three 's.

I'm convinced that family (and especially the Father) play the key Biblical role in preparing for and superintending courtship and marriage. I say this because I had virtually none of this kind of training or protection (... and we have already discussed the tragic results of this in past postings )

Because I respect the integrity of your walk before God, I am curious about the following scenario Joseph. Lets's say in the future, a young man wants to court one of your daughters and she is ammenable. He is not real mature in Christ nor is he from a good family situation with proper Christian training, yet otherwise he loves Christ, treats your daughter with utmost respect, and is willing to take time to grow before marrying her. Would you be willing to "take him under your wing", for say 2-3 years as to help him "grow up" and remediate the lack of maturity and wisdom that comes from not being reared up in a God-fearing Christian home?

 

[biblelighthouse]

Originally posted by BrianBowman
Because I respect the integrity of your walk before God, I am curious about the following scenario Joseph. Lets's say in the future, a young man wants to court one of your daughters and she is ammenable. He is not real mature in Christ nor is he from a good family situation with proper Christian training, yet otherwise he loves Christ, treats your daughter with utmost respect, and is willing to take time to grow before marrying her. Would you be willing to "take him under your wing", for say 2-3 years as to help him "grow up" and remediate the lack of maturity and wisdom that comes from not being reared up in a God-fearing Christian home?

Yes, I think I could be amenable to that scenario, especially if the young man had already started showing some initiative to cultivate a deeper walk with God, and to follow Scripture rather than bad old habits learned from home.

A lack of learning can be fixed.

Even a lack of maturity can be remedied.

But a proper attitude would have to be there to begin with. I would consider a young man who wants to follow Christ better, and also wants to get to know my daughter. But if he just wants to get closer to Christ merely as a means to get to my daughter, then I would Fed-Ex him to Antartica!

 

[BrianBowman]

Thanks Joesph,

But a proper attitude would have to be there to begin with. I would consider a young man who wants to follow Christ better, and also wants to get to know my daughter. But if he just wants to get closer to Christ merely as a means to get to my daughter, then I would Fed-Ex him to Antartica!

What you have written here is really a good application of the 1st and 2nd commandments.

Also, exhort him "man to man" and make sure that his real focus is on getting to know and follow Christ FIRST. Tell him that you are willing to mentor (and act as a "spiritual father") him for several months *before* any discussion toward courtship can take place. Make sure the young man understands that if he is truly saved, God peformed this miracle by Grace alone, but that taking up our cross daily to follow Jesus is a matter of disciplined character development embracing the whole of Scripture. This is the only acceptable life-style and world-view that will prepare him for marriage to your daughter!

[Edited on 9-19-2005 by BrianBowman]

 

[Scott Bushey]

Joe,
What will you do when they are 18, move out and start dating a non believer?

This is exactly what my daughter has done. They are about to move in together.

 

[NaphtaliPress]

We have these articles on dating and courship at our church website:
Keeping A Father's Commandment
Dating 3: Dating and Courtship
Dating 2: Dangers of Dating,
Dating 1: Finding a Life Partner,

 

[biblelighthouse]

Originally posted by Scott Bushey
Joe,
What will you do when they are 18, move out and start dating a non believer?

This is exactly what my daughter has done. They are about to move in together.

I'm not kidding . . . it broke my heart when I read that. Exactly the same thing just happened a few months ago to one family in our congregation in McKinney. Their beautiful 18 year old daughter moved out of her parents' house and in with her boyfriend. How horribly sad!

Obviously, once they turn 18, there is only so much you can do since they are "of legal age" according to the country we live in.

Nevertheless, there are at least some things that can still be done. I think my pastor has given excellent advice on this type of issue before, and if I were in that situation, I think I would follow these 3 steps:


1) Does she still go to church? If so, church discipline should be administered. The Matthew 18 principle definitely applies here. Hopefully the elders will back you on this one.

2) Cut off any and all monetary support. That includes any vehicle, cell phone, college education, gas, food, and even medical insurance. See if she really wants to entirely cut off her support system. She probably thinks she can get the "best" of both worlds: money from her parents and sex from her boyfriend. Make it clear that she has to choose one or the other. (This step is probably the most difficult for parents, but it really has to be done in extreme cases like this one . . . as long as she thinks you'll be there to catch her financially "just in case", she will not be motivated to return home.)

3) No matter how angry you are, do not yell at her, and do not talk harshly or cruelly. After all, we all stray from God sometimes in one way or another, and while He does discipline us, He is never cruel. Be as kind to her as you expect God to be to you. You've heard the saying, "If the girl doesn't get love from her dad, then she will seek it elsewhere." I am not suggesting that you have not loved your daughter. I just realize that it is very easy to act very angrily towards any person when they act foolishly and hurt you. I myself have been guilty of this. We just need to remember that harsh words don't accomplish anything good.

A lot of people never do #1, and then they flip-flop #2 and #3. It is too easy to be weak on discipline, but to lob tons of hurtful and angry words. Instead, it is better to be tough on discipline, but gracious with speech.

My prayers are with you, Scott. I have 3 girls of my own, and I can hardly imagine anything more hurtful or frustrating happening. I pray to God that I never have to face the same situation.

May the Lord graciously bring your daughter back into the center of His prescriptive will! My prayers are with you!

Your brother in Christ,
Joseph




[Edited on 9-23-2005 by biblelighthouse]

 

[Gregg]

This topic has been very helpful...thanks for some good advice.