Forgiveness???

[LadyFlynt]

Okay, slight vent warning.

For those that don't know I haven't spoken with my momma for 2yrs this May...or rather her dear (sarcastic) hubby cut me off from the family and no one (except dear step-grandma) has spoken to me. The situation is bad enough that we never even told them that we moved or that I am expecting again (they didn't know last time till I was more than 6months along). The issues go all the way back to my childhood and really extend into their childhoods if truth be told.

They quit speaking to us because we refused to let them watch the children (for protective reasons). My grandmother has finally quit questioning it and making excuses for them. The issue is now someone else whom I have no clue as to how to respond to.

There is a lady with MS that goes to momma's church that managed to get my old addy from my step-dad (the letters get forwarded as does grandma's mail). I have explained to her in letter form and over the phone that I HAVE forgiven them, but I must first obey my husband, and second protect my children. Also that I was NOT the one to break contact and they could have contacted me at anytime and chose not to do so.

She still keeps sending me things asking if I've "truely forgiven them"...or do I know what "true christian forgiveness is", etc. I just want to scream! She has no clue how painful the past is to me or how happy I have been since they cut me off. It has been so peaceful the past two years.

I just don't know how to respond to this woman or if she'll ever get it. Or should I even respond to her and continue to seem like the "bitter child" to her? She thinks I'm bitter. Maybe I am, but I also saw the sovereignty of God in the circumstances I was in...however I have responsibilities towards my own family now...not them.

thanks.

 

[turmeric]

Send her some nice thing about surrendering to God by Hannah Whitehall Smith!

But seriously, probably best to add her to yr prayer-list and don't answer her. It's really none of her business! It's interesting how manipulative people can be, convincing this poor woman to interfere in something she knows nothing about. Do you think her pastor would at all understand the situation? If so, maybe he could "call her off".

 

[LadyFlynt]

2 reasons I don't think I should go to their pastor...make that three

1) My mother and her hubby don't let ppl get to really know them and they lie alot. And their pastor knows me even less...unless you think he would really be willing to listen (it's an SBC church and around here they are pretty feel good)

2) They have blamed me in the past for their not attending church (as a child ppl at church started to suspect some of the issues, but I never said a word). And thus "I" caused their embarrasement.

 

[Augusta]

Sounds tough Colleen. I am in a similar situation with my Dad. He and my Mom are divorced. My two sisters do not speak to him. I am the only one on speaking terms with him and it is a very cordial but not close relationship. He knows not to talk to me about them. He did something to both of them that he refuses to acknowledge even though I pressed him hard and told him straight out that I thought he was wrong and it was his responsibility to mend. His new wife of course got a hold of him and has fed his denial so the situation has not changed and won't until he quits lying to himself.

I maintain this strained relationship in the hopes that someday he will do the right thing and I want there to be that tie between at least one of us. He did not do anything to me personally.

We all have these types of things. I think you are fine and I trust your judgment that this offense warranted a break off. I would just tell this lady that your conscience is clear and that she does not know the whole story thus she should stay out of it. Can you tell her your side of the story or would that be just pointless because she is already allied to your Mother etc? All you can do is respectfully ask her to let it be. If she doesn't just return her mail I guess.

 

[LadyFlynt]

I tried not to go into explicit detail with her, out of respect towards my momma and her husband...if they want a clean slate at a church and are at least going to church, I told her that I wanted them to have it...I didn't want to intentionally colour anyone's view of them because of their histories or past sins. That is not my place and I don't feel I should go out to expose all their faults to everyone. I felt that this was the kindest, most Christ-like thing I could do...but I'm just seen as a child who won't forgive...granted I could care less about how I'm seen, but this lady, even though her heart may be for estranged families doesn't seen to get that I am here, mail gets to me, and the ball is in THEIR court...not mine! And for my protection, hubby says that I should not be the one to contact them.

I'm also sorry for your situation, Augusta...you understand at least the "why" of my having "tried" over and over again with them all these years...it was actually a relief to me though the night my step-father's sister called me and "gave me the boot".

 

[Robin]

Just because we forgive evil done to us in our relations...does not mean we are obligated to socialize. Many times, it is simply not possibe to have a healthy relationship with those bent on evil.

Leaving and cleaving...releases us from "obeying our parents" in the sense that we do what they require to please them.

It is a heart-breaking, sad, loss to realize parents (or siblings) are so selfish (afterall) that a decent, mature family relation cannot be enjoyed. (Sigh...) Sometimes, it can be only minimal contact, allowed. It's OK and right to keep wise boundaries. (The "other" lady sounds like she's meddling???)

Desdicado,

Robin

 

[AdamM]

I also would question whether the lady friend has any standing to be getting involved in the first place. The circle of offense (doesn't sound like any offense on Colleen's part was done anyway) in this case certainly does not extend to her and she is not an elder of either church, so she needs to be told gently, yet firmly to butt out.

[Edited on 4-28-2005 by AdamM]

 

[LadyFlynt]

Thank you all, I think I will sent her a gentle letter, again stating that forgiveness has been granted, that I will not allow them to sin any longer upon me or my husband, and that I would appreciate it if she would leave alone that which she knows nothing of. It just rips me apart everytime I get a letter from her (though far and few), like someone redigging up a grave. Let the dirt settle and the grass grow, please.

 

[fredtgreco]

Moving to Pilgrims Progress