We have taken on a teen boarder named Lynn. Lynn's parents gave up custody of her at age 3 to her grandparents, where she has lived for 14 yrs. One of Lynn's relatives was physically abusive to her, but when informed of this, Lynn's grandfather was passive if anything, saying that Lynn must have brought it on herself, that it was her fault. Lynn has wanted to live with her biological mother for as long as she can remember, and last fall, her mother finally said yes. So at age 17, she left her grandparent's' house and moved to New York.
Her mother is not a Christian. Her mother works a lot, has lived her own life with no children since she gave up custody. She has a live-in fiance. Lynn had no rules while she lived there, picked up some new bad habits, lost her virginity, etc. She was undisciplined. Furthermore, her mother engaged in foreplay in plain sight of her daughter, with the fiance, on more than one occasion. The biggest reason Lynn left was her discomfort at having to know that her mom and the fiance were messing around on the couch 5 feet from her in the living room. Clearly this was a toxic environment.
She asked to move in with her dad last month. She moved in, and developed a relationship with the stepbrother living there. It was shortlived, and her father asked her to find somewhere else to stay because he was not going to condone a relationship between them, it was unseemly, and even if they stopped having feelings for one another, he was not willing to run the risk of the feelings resurfacing. So at that point, Lynn was partially at fault for the reason she left.
Her grandparents are unwilling to take her back. She cannot go back to New York. She has no other relatives to choose from, other than people she hardly knows like great aunts and uncles. So she called and asked us if she could stay with us.
My husband feels that it was our scriptural duty to take her in. He has not discussed whether it is because she would have been truly homeless, or if he equated her sleeping on the couch of some other teenager with being "home" less. Either way, he continues to point me to James 2 and say that he just cant argue with what scripture says.
I expect Lynn to be rebellious here, too. At least in the last year, she has had no discipline at all, and she has some deep psychological issues about abandonment and having unmet needs and stuff from her parents leaving her and her grandma physially abusing her. The outcome of our choice to take her in is not what is important to me. What is important to me is to obey scripture in regard to taking in a stranger. We are making a contract with rules and their consequences, for Lynn and for us to sign. We are erring on the side of caution, and the rules are plentiful. We can always make less rules if we see that to be necessary later.
My friend, and midwife actually, has gotten a bee in her bonnet about us taking in Lynn. Her eldest daughter is Lynn's best friend. My friend knows Lynn. She has seen Lynn manipulate a situation to get herself out of trouble, and I'm sure a time or two she has led my friend's daughter into sin. Lynn appears to be unregenerate, and my friend's daughter appears to be a Christian. My friend's entire issue with us taking in Lynn seems to be that she thinks Lynn belongs with family, however distant a relative, because they are her family. And if she is not with family, then she should be fending for heself, because she is of age (she turned 18 last month). Further, my friend said to me, and has apparently been on the warpath at her house, about the fact that I seem to be blinded by the "excitement of having free childcare" and that "I should examine my motives for wanting to take Lynn into our home". When Lynn was visiting in June, Lynn was allowed at their home and their daughter was allowed to socialize with Lynn. Since we have taken Lynn in, her daughter is not allowed to socialize with us or with Lynn. In effect, I think we are being punished, and so are Lynn and Abby, because of my friend's irritation that we did not take her advice. She has also said that we are enabling Lynn by taking her in, and that she needs to be on her own and hit rock bottom to learn she can't make it on her own and needs to submit to authority.
I have a prenatal appt with her tomorrow. I am afraid of what might come out of my mouth. My blood pressure is dangerously high concerning this issue, and if my friend/midwife cannot resolve her issue with us taking in Lynn, I am going to have to take my business elsewhere.
Her attitude, her venting to her family about what she thinks of what we are doing... I just dont see the grace here. Toward us or toward Lynn. I dont see what she expects to happen because of her irritation or because of her punishing people for making adult decisions that do not concern her. If we kicked Lynn out, would she be my friend again? This is so sophomoric I almost cant deal with it. If her primary concern were that she felt that the stress of adding a boarder at 31 weeks into my pregnancy was too much, or that she could see Lynn ruining our happy family, then maybe she would have a point. But these things have not come up in our conversation or in her talking with her family.
Can I get some scriptural support for when and how God calls us to take in the fatherless and the widow? Can I get some feedback on whether or not we have done what God commands? And since Lynn is here in our home, and we have made the decision to have her with us, even if God does not command us to do so, what advice do you have about the situation with my friend?
Thank you. Im going to go sleep now, having gotten all this out, and I ask for prayer for my blood pressure, the child within me, our family, our marriage, our children, Lynn, and my friend/midwife.
I am so glad for the wisdom here, thank you for listening.
[Edited on 8-12-2005 by Beloved]
[Edited on 8-12-2005 by Beloved]
Her mother is not a Christian. Her mother works a lot, has lived her own life with no children since she gave up custody. She has a live-in fiance. Lynn had no rules while she lived there, picked up some new bad habits, lost her virginity, etc. She was undisciplined. Furthermore, her mother engaged in foreplay in plain sight of her daughter, with the fiance, on more than one occasion. The biggest reason Lynn left was her discomfort at having to know that her mom and the fiance were messing around on the couch 5 feet from her in the living room. Clearly this was a toxic environment.
She asked to move in with her dad last month. She moved in, and developed a relationship with the stepbrother living there. It was shortlived, and her father asked her to find somewhere else to stay because he was not going to condone a relationship between them, it was unseemly, and even if they stopped having feelings for one another, he was not willing to run the risk of the feelings resurfacing. So at that point, Lynn was partially at fault for the reason she left.
Her grandparents are unwilling to take her back. She cannot go back to New York. She has no other relatives to choose from, other than people she hardly knows like great aunts and uncles. So she called and asked us if she could stay with us.
My husband feels that it was our scriptural duty to take her in. He has not discussed whether it is because she would have been truly homeless, or if he equated her sleeping on the couch of some other teenager with being "home" less. Either way, he continues to point me to James 2 and say that he just cant argue with what scripture says.
I expect Lynn to be rebellious here, too. At least in the last year, she has had no discipline at all, and she has some deep psychological issues about abandonment and having unmet needs and stuff from her parents leaving her and her grandma physially abusing her. The outcome of our choice to take her in is not what is important to me. What is important to me is to obey scripture in regard to taking in a stranger. We are making a contract with rules and their consequences, for Lynn and for us to sign. We are erring on the side of caution, and the rules are plentiful. We can always make less rules if we see that to be necessary later.
My friend, and midwife actually, has gotten a bee in her bonnet about us taking in Lynn. Her eldest daughter is Lynn's best friend. My friend knows Lynn. She has seen Lynn manipulate a situation to get herself out of trouble, and I'm sure a time or two she has led my friend's daughter into sin. Lynn appears to be unregenerate, and my friend's daughter appears to be a Christian. My friend's entire issue with us taking in Lynn seems to be that she thinks Lynn belongs with family, however distant a relative, because they are her family. And if she is not with family, then she should be fending for heself, because she is of age (she turned 18 last month). Further, my friend said to me, and has apparently been on the warpath at her house, about the fact that I seem to be blinded by the "excitement of having free childcare" and that "I should examine my motives for wanting to take Lynn into our home". When Lynn was visiting in June, Lynn was allowed at their home and their daughter was allowed to socialize with Lynn. Since we have taken Lynn in, her daughter is not allowed to socialize with us or with Lynn. In effect, I think we are being punished, and so are Lynn and Abby, because of my friend's irritation that we did not take her advice. She has also said that we are enabling Lynn by taking her in, and that she needs to be on her own and hit rock bottom to learn she can't make it on her own and needs to submit to authority.
I have a prenatal appt with her tomorrow. I am afraid of what might come out of my mouth. My blood pressure is dangerously high concerning this issue, and if my friend/midwife cannot resolve her issue with us taking in Lynn, I am going to have to take my business elsewhere.
Her attitude, her venting to her family about what she thinks of what we are doing... I just dont see the grace here. Toward us or toward Lynn. I dont see what she expects to happen because of her irritation or because of her punishing people for making adult decisions that do not concern her. If we kicked Lynn out, would she be my friend again? This is so sophomoric I almost cant deal with it. If her primary concern were that she felt that the stress of adding a boarder at 31 weeks into my pregnancy was too much, or that she could see Lynn ruining our happy family, then maybe she would have a point. But these things have not come up in our conversation or in her talking with her family.
Can I get some scriptural support for when and how God calls us to take in the fatherless and the widow? Can I get some feedback on whether or not we have done what God commands? And since Lynn is here in our home, and we have made the decision to have her with us, even if God does not command us to do so, what advice do you have about the situation with my friend?
Thank you. Im going to go sleep now, having gotten all this out, and I ask for prayer for my blood pressure, the child within me, our family, our marriage, our children, Lynn, and my friend/midwife.
I am so glad for the wisdom here, thank you for listening.
[Edited on 8-12-2005 by Beloved]
[Edited on 8-12-2005 by Beloved]