Dating/marrying a non-Calvinist?

[Der Pilger]

I hope I'm posting this in the right forum.

I'm interested in getting thoughts and advice about dating and possibly marrying a non-Reformed, non-Calvinist. There's a girl I'm currently interested in who guessed that I'm a Calvinist because of my blog and my church history, but she also told me that she is not one. She is still interested in talking more with me, though.

The church she goes to is baptistic and solidly evangelical, and of course I'm okay with that. Assuming she is really not Calvinist (some people might say they aren't Calvinist but actually mean they aren't hyper-Calvinist), and also assuming she holds to orthodox views and nothing heretical, would you say it is unwise to get involved with her on a romantic level? Do you foresee any major conflicts or problems in such a relationship down the road?

Or perhaps the best way I can ask the question is: If you were single and in my place, would you date her?

Thanks for any feedback you can give, and if I need to clarify anything, just let me know.

 

[Andres]

If you were single and in my place, would you date her?

No way. Unless (and this is a big unless) she plans to submit to your authority and attend the church you want to, teach your kids what you say, etc, then I would think your differences would present many difficulties down the road.

 

[Edward]

It can work, but it's easier if you move post-marriage to a city well removed from the location of her church.

 

[Der Pilger]

If you were single and in my place, would you date her?

No way. Unless (and this is a big unless) she plans to submit to your authority and attend the church you want to, teach your kids what you say, etc, then I would think your differences would present many difficulties down the road.

Thanks for your post, Andrew. I tend to agree with you. While she and I share the same basic beliefs (Trinity, deity of Christ, salvation by grace through faith, and so on), I'm afraid it wouldn't be as simple as that and there would be many more issues that would come up. You brought up two major ones: what church to attend and what to teach the kids.

 

[Iconoclast]

Many people have not heard an accurate presentation of the grace of God. If you have a friendship with this person have you had a chance to study together?
A wife is to be your best friend and you really need to be on the same page spiritually. Is she teachable? If there is a possibility of her visiting your church?
Unless things move in this direction it might seem to be too many obstacles involved.

 

[jwithnell]

[/COLOR]I asked myself the same question while single, and have since seen that it would not have worked. Often I think how blessed I am that my husband and I share virtually the same doctrinal beliefs. Truly his mind is an extension of my own and we can balance each others strengths and weaknesses. On the other hand, I've seen at least two families pulled away from our church by the wives.

There may be some exceptions, especially if it's the guy who is reformed. Someone with a soft heart for really wanting to know what the Bible teaches might be very teachable by a prospective spouse -- not just to make the relationship work, but because she wants to bring her thinking in line with the scriptures.

 

[Der Pilger]

Many people have not heard an accurate presentation of the grace of God. If you have a friendship with this person have you had a chance to study together?

We just started communicating, so we haven't even begun a friendship yet, let alone study together.

 

[ChariotsofFire]

I thought this thread had some helpful replies for a different situation:
http://www.puritanboard.com/f32/can-there-any-hope-when-dating-arminian-47201/

 

[Grimmson]

I may take a slightly different position here then some other people on the board. I have no problem with the idea of dating a non-Calvinist, as long as she is a Christian and teachable. However I would have an issue with marrying a non-Calvinist. You would want her to understand and have the same passion over the doctrines of grace as you, so that she can transfer that understanding and passion to the children. A non-Calvinist may not necessarily understand the arguments set forth from the Calvinistic system. Plus it is always good to have a consistent belief structure between the parents for the sake of the child in any case.

 

[steadfast7]

I say, if you like her, go for it. This isn't a case of unequal yoking. She loves the Lord. At most, it might be frustrating at times and you'll have to work harder than others, but that's what relationships and marriage are all about, right?

 

[Weston Stoler]

I would be cautious. You never truly know what a person believes until their theological beliefs are challenged by suffering. She may agree to move churches, teach your children orthodox beliefs, ect.... but if she backs out as soon as the trials come then you may want to drop her. How long have you known her? I personally would not date a non-calvinist because I just love the Doctrines of Grace and would want to speak to my girlfriend/wife about them constantly (along with other doctrines).

 

[Der Pilger]

I may take a slightly different position here then some other people on the board. I have no problem with the idea of dating a non-Calvinist, as long as she is a Christian and teachable. However I would have an issue with marrying a non-Calvinist.

I believe in marriage-minded dating, so if I am dating someone, it is with marriage in view. I wouldn't want to form any emotional bonds with someone if I had no intention of marrying them in the future.

You would want her to understand and have the same passion over the doctrines of grace as you, so that she can transfer that understanding and passion to the children. A non-Calvinist may not necessarily understand the arguments set forth from the Calvinistic system. Plus it is always good to have a consistent belief structure between the parents for the sake of the child in any case.

This is a major red flag that is popping up, i.e., how it would affect raising children and having a home that is peaceful instead of filled with strife over theological differences.

 

[BibleCyst]

I'm actually dating a non-Calvinist, so I feel I can speak on this. One must take this on a case by case basis. There are things widely accepted in the theological world that are a lot worse than Arminianism. For example, charismatic doctrine, dispensationalism, universalism, women's ordination, etc. I would visit her church at least once. You might find that Arminianism is the least of your worries!

My girlfriend is not explicitly Arminian, even though she is a member of an explicitly Arminian church. I'm not sure she even knows what an "Arminian" or a "Calvinist" is. I made sure before becoming serious with her that her basic theology is sound, and it is. She essentially believes in total depravity and even unconditional election. It's surprising how well her church has taught her all these years. My point is, this is a complicated issue with quite a few things to consider. Visit her church, and ask her about her theology. If she tries to argue or comes across as very opinionated in the wrong way, move on!

 

[SolaScriptura]

Or perhaps the best way I can ask the question is: If you were single and in my place, would you date her?

That depends... is she friendly? Witty? Well-educated? Wealthy? Gorgeous?

 

[TimV]

Or perhaps the best way I can ask the question is: If you were single and in my place, would you date her?

I agree with Ben. Post a picture of her

 

[Der Pilger]

Or perhaps the best way I can ask the question is: If you were single and in my place, would you date her?

I agree with Ben. Post a picture of her

Okay:

 

[Jack K]

You should get to know her. Many believers have simply been taught at some point that Calvinism is bad, but haven't really worked through it for themselves. If she's a committed Arminian, that could cause difficulties. If she's a default Arminian, there's hope.

IMPORTANT: Consider more than just what she claims her theological position to be. Functionally, how does she live the Christian life? Is her hope in her own goodness or in Christ's goodness? Is she insecure, trying to prove herself to God, or does she follow Christ out of gratitude and confidence in him? It's possible she's aligned herself doctrinally with Arminians but is actually a functional Calvinist, just as there are doctrinal Calvinists who're actually functional Arminians. For your life's love, you want a functional Calvinist. The doctrinal alignment will follow.

 

[LeeJUk]

I would be fine dating a non-calvinist. As long as they are saved and have sound evangelical beliefs. I think we need to get away from the idea of I'm your boyfriend you sumbit your theology to me. Your potential spouse is a theologian with a relationship wth God in her own right don't bypass that. Becoming a calvinist is often a process, perhaps that spans over years. You don't force the issue. But if you were to date, over time through mutual study, conversation then perhaps she'll come to those conclusions. Though you should date her and enjoy her company, don't make calvinism a constant topic you bring up. Dating is about her learning about you, and you learning about her, not her learning about Calvin.

 

[Rom]

I say, if you like her, go for it. This isn't a case of unequal yoking. She loves the Lord. At most, it might be frustrating at times and you'll have to work harder than others, but that's what relationships and marriage are all about, right?

No. That was given to us courtesy of the Fall.

 

[TimV]

Uh, if I were in your shoes, yeah

 

[fishingpipe]

I began dating an Arminian back in 1994. She was a Calvinist and coming to church with me by the time I asked her to marry me in 1995. Like others have considered, she was very teachable. Her spiritual authority (her father) did not exert a considerable spiritual influence over her, but for the most part was fine with my doing so. I was able to converse with her early on, having been in the same circle of friends since 1986. I had only been getting deep into the reformed faith for a couple of years, myself, when we started dating. About a year after we were married her parents discovered we were actually :gasp!: reformed/Calvinistic, and, well, that's another story...

Your mileage may vary.

 

[Joseph Scibbe]

Is she a Christian? If yes, then she is dateable/marriable. The doctrinal issues may be a problem but as long as she is willing to submit and attend church with you then there is no problem. Her credo Baptist position is the only problem I see but that canm be talked about.

 

[J. Dean]

Spell out your non-negotiables ahead of time, and make clear (politely but honestly) that you don't concede on these points.

 

[Der Pilger]

Is she a Christian? If yes, then she is dateable/marriable. The doctrinal issues may be a problem but as long as she is willing to submit and attend church with you then there is no problem. Her credo Baptist position is the only problem I see but that canm be talked about.

I agree about nailing down the submission issue. That's a big deal, and biblical, too. The credo-baptist position doesn't bother me because I hold to the same position.

 

[JennyG]

Originally Posted by Der Pilger
Or perhaps the best way I can ask the question is: If you were single and in my place, would you date her?
That depends... is she friendly? Witty? Well-educated? Wealthy? Gorgeous?

I'm ashamed of you (and TimV). This isn't even a members only forum.

 

[SolaScriptura]

Originally Posted by Der Pilger
Or perhaps the best way I can ask the question is: If you were single and in my place, would you date her?
That depends... is she friendly? Witty? Well-educated? Wealthy? Gorgeous?

I'm ashamed of you (and TimV). This isn't even a members only forum.

Why are you ashamed of me?

He'd already said she is a Christian. My post was an allusion to the fact that doctrinal commitments are not the ONLY factors in deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship. Are you implying that personality, education, and yes, appearance, have absolutely no bearing?

 

[elnwood]

If she knows you're a Calvinist, and she's still fine with dating you, that's very encouraging. The important thing is that you two will be able to go to the same church and submit to the teaching.

Also, if you are considering going into leadership in the church, more doctrinal agreement will be necessary.

 

[jwithnell]

And to think my husband was worried about marrying a post-millennialist And it only took him 12 years to move me into the a-mil camp. (Well, maybe not him, but the authors on my shelf.)

 

[DAN-the-UK-man]

Some food for thought from my own experience, you could say i married a non Calvinist/reformed Lass. When i first met my wife she was newly converted coptic Christian, she got saved in prague before returning to NY to study. When i met her she wasn't really attending any church and had a lot of Catholic doctrine, We liked each other very much yet i was not willing to marry just any christian. I went before the Lord asking if it was his will to marry her then her such so called theology needs to change, after much prayer and conversion with her (just talking and studying the bible together i saw the change of understanding and theology, what really drew me to her was your love and passion for the lord and holiness with a teachable spirit.

Perhaps you should be asking is she the right Christian for yourself, and obliviously praying about the differences you may have. wen such theological conversations come up which they will you can show and lead her to biblical truth.

 

[dog8food]

I believe it's absolutely okay to date/marry a non-Calvinist. The Bible would have mentioned otherwise There will always be issues and challenges in relationships. Theological differences is just another to add to the heap... God can sharpen you both by means of such a conflict.