Correcting Heresy in Your Toddler

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ericfromcowtown

Puritan Board Sophomore
I have started to catechize our 2 1/2 year old, by using the Children's Catechism

We're now on Question 15 and I believe I have uncovered a heinous unorthodoxy in our toddler!

Q. Who wrote the Bible?

A: Holy men who were inspired by the Holy Spirit.

Joseph's Answer: Holy men who were in spiders by the Holy Spirit.

:lol:

We'll have to work on that one.
 

JBaldwin

Puritan Board Post-Graduate
Reminds me of the time we were learning "Lead on O King Eternal" in youth choir, and the pastor's son sang in a loud voice "Lead on oh Kinky Turtle".
 

lynnie

Puritan Board Graduate
I used to do a lot of reading bible aloud with my daughter. So this one day, with the NASB, I start with Is 55 " Ho every one who thirsts, come..." and she is sitting there with this look on her face and says she won't read it. Then she wants to know why God put bad words in the bible. I explain that the word "ho" here is like saying, Hey, listen up, pay attention, it isn't like the bad word when people call somebody a ho.....and she is just looking at me until I finish and says real firmly "I am not saying this".

Makes me appreciate the value of modernized translations, the NIV says "come".
 

FenderPriest

Puritan Board Junior
One of our pastors shared a story of his two boys this past Christmas where he was reading the Christmas story to them out of Luke and talking about how Jesus is alive today, etc. and his youngest (3-4?) blurts out: "But Dad, Jesus didn't actually exist!" His older son started pointing at him and gave his dad this look of, "Are you going to take care of this?! Spanish Inquisition!"
 

EverReforming

Puritan Board Freshman
As a teenager, I heard a sermon where the pastor was preaching out of John 21, and he started talking about when Jesus told the disciples to throw the net on the other side of the boat to catch some fish. He got tongue tied and said Jesus told them to "throw the boat on the other side of the net." He paused, realizing what he just said and started laughing.
 

Phil D.

Puritan Board Junior
My dad used to tell the story that when he was little and the hymn "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear" was sung in his church, he understood it to be talking about a cross-eyed bear named "Gladly"...
 

CIT

Puritan Board Post-Graduate
When I was younger I heard a pastor start his pastoral prayer, "Dear Heavenly FORD....." He said later that he mixed father and Lord.

---------- Post added at 01:43 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:41 PM ----------

Be grateful you are not this guy[video=youtube;mrFHNuA1mvM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrFHNuA1mvM[/video]
 

Jack K

Puritan Board Professor
The old hymn, "Fill Thou My Life" has a line: "In intercourse at hearth or board, With my beloved ones." Many a youngster has wondered what the board has to do with it.
 

Pergamum

Ordinary Guy (TM)
I always accidentally sing about angels' prostates falling.

I've messed this up so many times, i can't sing that verse without a smirk.
 

Hawk

Puritan Board Freshman
My three year old still changes the catechism on purpose to suit his mood. This is a major point of contention for me when I ask him, "Who made you?" His response, "You did! Oh, and you made Malachi and Asher too!"
 

jwithnell

Moderator
Staff member
It's like my 4-year-old linking John's teaching about Jesus being light and the creation account that God created light. Therefore, Jesus was created. It left me sputtering for a moment because it had never occurred to me try to link those passages. This kid is going to be scary as he gets older!
 

jambo

Puritan Board Senior
Our pastor was preaching on Gen 22 where Abraham was told to sacrifice Isaac. He preached as if he was Isaac telling the story and began by saying that when he was young his father tried to kill him. A few weeks later one of the mothers was saying how her young son felt so sorry for the pastor as his dad had tried to kill him.
 

EverReforming

Puritan Board Freshman
I don't remember this myself, but my parents have told me that once when I was in early elementary school, my brother and I had been fighting, and part of my punishment was that I had to sit down and write a short essay about why it was wrong to fight with my brother. I apparently pulled out a Bible, copied word for word the passage about Cain and Abel, and then wrote "I should not fight with my brother because it means I might kill him."
 

MarieP

Puritan Board Senior
I have started to catechize our 2 1/2 year old, by using the Children's Catechism

We're now on Question 15 and I believe I have uncovered a heinous unorthodoxy in our toddler!

Q. Who wrote the Bible?

A: Holy men who were inspired by the Holy Spirit.

Joseph's Answer: Holy men who were in spiders by the Holy Spirit.

:lol:

We'll have to work on that one.


"Holy men got tart by the Holy Spirit." (a 6-year-old boy at church)

The persons of the Godhead according to a 4-year-old from my church: "God the Son, God the Son, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit and God the Holy Spirit." and "God is a mint."

And then there was the 2-year-old who would answer every catechism question I asked him with "for His own glory!"
 

TimV

Puritanboard Botanist
I remember being SO confused about The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want. Why wouldn't I want Him? I still dislike non vulgar translations because of that.
 

AThornquist

Puritan Board Doctor
I always accidentally sing about angels' prostates falling.

I've messed this up so many times, i can't sing that verse without a smirk.
You know what, I was going to mention this too but you beat me to it. I don't know how long ago it was that you admitted this slip but on several occasions I have had to stop singing for a brief moment because of the massive grin on my face. Thanks.

Excuse me heresy-tots, Imma let you finish, but I just wanna say: This is my favorite thread of all time!
:lol: For the PB, that is extremely esoteric humor.
 

Quatchu

Puritan Board Sophomore
A few months ago after church my wife was talking with some 6 year old girls who used to be in her VBS class. At the time my wife was having trouble with really sore dry hands one of the girls asked her about it.

Girl- "Why to you have white spots on your hands?"
My Wife- "Oh I just have really dry hands."
Girl- "Oh... we learnt in Sunday School today that white spots mean you have leprosy."
My Wife- "Thanks for the concern."
 

moral necessity

Puritan Board Junior
During my "praise song" days, Lord I lift Your Name on High was ruined for me, when someone told me that "my debt to pay" sounded like "my dead toupee".
 

Kim G

Puritan Board Junior
My mom said I always used to end "Silent Night" with "Sleep in heavenly peas." She didn't notice it until I asked her why we were supposed to sleep on peas.

When I quoted John 3:15, I always said, "that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have 'turn on the light' [eternal life]."

And my mom also sang "Lead On, O Kinky Turtle" as a child.
 
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MarieP

Puritan Board Senior
I have a tape recording of me as a toddler and singing "Jesus loves me." I start to sing, "He is weak..." pause "He is weak...." pause "I am weak, but HE IS STRONG!!!"
 

Semper Fidelis

2 Timothy 2:24-25
Staff member
The OP is hilarious. One of my favorite things is listening to my young children start to learn to pray extemporaneously.

One day my son was praying and he prayed: "Father, please help us against Satan. Crush him under your foot and grind him into the dust."

I wanted to yell "Amen!" in the middle of it. They say some strange things but, MAN, when you hear faith begin to flower in a little child there is nothing more beautiful.
 

jambo

Puritan Board Senior
As a child in church we used to sing the hymn "If I come to Jesus." One of the lines is "There are many children robed in snowy white" As I was about 6 at the time I took this as 'robbed in snowy white' and could never understand why such a line would be in a hymn. It seemed out of context but there it was written on the page. Round about that time in a deep fall of snow I was chased by a gang of lads and only just escaped and that seemed to confirm the verse that I was nearly a child who was robbed in snowy white.
 

Douglas P.

Puritan Board Freshman
This is why I had my 2 year old start with Bavinck...



Although now my largest problem is him understanding that his knowledge of colors, shapes, and numbers is Ectypal and not Archetypal.
 

jwithnell

Moderator
Staff member
And that's not even the original Dutch. Tisk, tisk. (Just kidding!!!!) Love the look on his face!
 

BertMulder

Puritan Board Junior
reminds me of the (fictional) story of the tee-totaler preacher who said during the sermon to throw all your booze in the river....

right after the sermon "let us sing, shall we gather at the river"......
 
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