(I haven't been on the PuritanBoard for about 1/3 a year or so, and I have discovered more about myself... Will feature a bunch of random confessions, so be prepared... And personal concerns, of course.) A: About Me My name is Christian Lloyd Teegardin and I am an independent Calvinist (I was not raised into a Strict Baptist or Orthodox Presbyterian family at all, but a family who is opposed to my doctrinal beliefs.) who happens to like to write poetry and study theology. I am a late-nighter, meaning I like to stay up at absurd times of the night, usually doing nothing at all, since I am frequently bored. (I will explain in Part B.) I can be quite off the wall, but I am usually serious. I take life quite seriously and tend to not see humor in daily life events. I do not laugh often unless the jokes are obvious and dumb. (I will also explain in Part B.) B: Quirks I am a late-nighter because I have an untreated case of likely ADHD. I cannot will myself to do much, yet I can't stop moving around. My attention span is awful and I try not to be rude to people, but I am in such a hurry that I can completely ignore someone's presence. It can get to be pretty awful when my Mom is trying to talk to me about something. I do not laugh often to subtle jokes because I have issues understanding subtleties. I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome at 2 years of age and it has defined my social life. I was like this for all of my life so I am no stranger to being isolated on a regular basis. I am highly introverted so I find it exhausting to message people all the time. I enjoy attenion from people sometimes but other times, I would rather be alone, yet my likely ADHD complicates it by making my mind race at a million miles an hour. (Facetious.) Therefore I desire conversation to let off my lightning-speed mental processes. Unusual, but true. I sometimes deal with mild derealization and sometimes life feels like a dream. Sometimes I feel like I don't exist and it can cause distress. It usually happens when I act fake around someone to keep the status quo, and it goes really well, and I end up not feeling right about myself and I feel like a phantom. C: Confessions Well... I bet some of you have remembered when I posted a few articles on Reformed/Calvinist doctrine. I had a picture of Spurgeon as my profile picture. Hey, this is me. I confess to being somewhat prideful. I would say I was a fair bit narcissistic. (I am uncomfortable writing this... but I have to...) I fell to my cardinal weakness which was egotistical pride and intellectual narcissism. Of course, I believed everything I wrote, but I, in this weak and depraved soul of mine, humbly confess that I was seeking attention... I wanted to have status and I guess... I just... I sought after the wrong thing. I confess before all of you, my spiritual brethren, and especially before the Lord. Pray for my recovery. My focus on Bible reading has been absurdly horrible and despite how much I want to read the Scripture, it's just... I completely space and forget my own will to read God's Word. For this reason, I have fallen prey to diverse temptations and have failed to resist them, and these sins I am ashamed of. Please keep me in your prayers. I need to get help for this. D: Serious Issues (Asking for Advice) These are issues that the reader should pray for immediately. I struggle with living a double life on the Internet. I have done various iniquitous behaviors while living in this false fantasy world, and I feel really ashamed about it. People expect something of me and saying no is one of the hardest things to do. I have a bad habit of giving into people's immoral requests and I would like to have some advice on the matter. I also have been struggling with constant depression and aches. I go to bed feeling really drowsy and I wake up feeling groggy, and it has been torture for the last year or so. I have been really weak physically also, barely able to do house chores without hyperventilating. It, in turn, has made my daily mood lower than average, a constant headache looming over me. E: Blessings God has blessed me with a renewed interest in the faith as of very recently. I thank Him for putting at least a little bit of that spark back into my life. F: Closing May our Lord Jesus Christ bless you all.