"A Man After God's Own Heart": Spousal Criteria?

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Bill Duncan

Puritan Board Freshman
I was attending a Church Plant a few weeks ago and met a lovely woman. We had a wonderful conversation about our love for reading, especially about our God. We really hit it off. This past Sunday I took my wife and daughter with me. When I introduced them to her she laughed and said, "Oh, I thought he was single, and I had found a man after God's own heart." We all got a big laugh. There was then a bit of a seriousness to the conversation. She had been widowed twice.

Also my daughter sensed her pain as she to seeks a man after God's own heart. I sensed her pain as I see it as my duty to assist in or, even more dutifully, affect finding her a spouse.

What are your opinions on the state of church today as it relates to the practice of biblical courtship? What are some helpful suggestions for the men women who seek a godly spouse.
 
My experience is inevitably limited, but I will mention a few things I see that happen a lot.

1. Young men and women today think that they deserve a finished product, and they are determinedly entitled to the perfect spouse. They don't realize that a good marriage is grown and worked over, and prayer over, not acquired in a plea deal. What I mean is that oftentimes, both men and women expect to find someone with forty years of marriage experience who's never been married. Their priorities are all wrong. Instead of (in the case of a woman seeking a man) looking for a Christian man who will provide and will not abuse, the woman is often looking for someone who could pass as a marriage counselor. There is no sense of proportion as to which things are of highest priority and which are not. Everything is equally important, and the woman never winds up getting married. I see it more often with women than with men, because women are being taught that they have to give up so much more in order to be married. Men have to give up a lot, too! What also has to be taught, however, is that much is gained for both husband and wife on the other side of the wedding. It is a different life entirely, not a diminishment.

2. Selfishness is undoubtedly the number one problem, and it leads to all sorts of problems both in courtship and in marriage. This is the number one thing that needs to be mortified. Otherwise, the expectations will be completely off base.

3. In more conservative circles, the temptation exists to think that the "right" methodology will produce the right result. Dire warnings over various slippery slopes then cause people to be so petrified of genuine interaction that a highly artificial situation results. What is needed is situational wisdom, and I think it is not wise to say that there is a one size fits all method that will work for everyone. If there were, the Bible would have given it to us.
 
I still vote that we start a PB-Harmony on here!

Seriously, I think singles should be intentional. We make a resume to get a job but hope that we'll just stumble onto a wife without making a plan or even intentionally looking. I also think people should make a checklist of what they want.
 
Speaking from the perspective of one who is still seeking a spouse: My opinion is that the situation is quite difficult, even in Reformed churches. While Reformed churches do not have all the difficulties of evangelical churches, everyone is still so spread out (and we do have our difficulties too, in my opinion; to name some that pastor friends of mine have mentioned: over-protective or overbearing/intrusive parents; idolatrizing of relationships/marriage; immaturity/lack of preparedness; too much wordliness/earthly-mindedness and not enough heavenly/spiritual mindedness). It is difficult to truly get to know someone without spending time with them in person, and long distance relationships/courtiships, etc., seem to take a lot more time and energy than shorter distances (but maybe that's just me).

My suggestions for all of us who are seeking godly spouses are....

1) Be content with singleness and make use of it to serve the Lord. If we are not content in the present, we will never be content when married or when we have however other many temporal blessings. If we are single, we are currently called to singleness and need to make use of it to serve the Lord. If we eventually marry, marriage then must also be subordinated to the service of the Lord. The Lord does not guarantee a spouse to everyone, so we should be prepared for that outcome so that we can submit to his will in the matter. His plans are better than our dreams.

2) Work on improving oneself. Seek godliness, first and foremost. But also other practical things, e.g., communication and conflict resolution skills, skills to run and take care of a home, finding one's strength in God and not in things (to prevent neediness/clinginess and idolatrizing one's spouse). Read books and listen to lectures about marriage and children. Self-reflection to see how one wishes to use one's gifts to serve the Lord in general (i.e., finding life goals).

3) Go out and meet people. Maybe try online websites, like Sovereign Grace Singles or various facebook groups. Go to church conferences and maybe Presbytery meetings. Visit other churches in the area; maybe they have special events/meetings during the week. Don't feel shy about asking those in one's congregation about other single men/women.
 
Great questions. And I also sense your compassion for the woman and also for your daughter. I don't really have any wisdom to offer. There were plenty of godly women I came across for many years but God didn't give me any peace until I met my wife; then things happened pretty quickly. We do what we can, but it's also God's timing. I think it was Jim Elliot who pointed out that the Lord fashioned the woman and brought her to the man. But I think for your daughter and perhaps also for this woman, we can always bring them to Jesus in prayer. The year I met my wife, I did sense a real increase in longing for a spouse (sensing my own need); and I did have several people tell me they were praying for a wife for me.
 
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