Interviewing Your Daughter's Date

[Founded on the Rock]

"courthsip" the way it has been defined is not always practical. There are rare cases, of which I happen to be in right now. The father is not always the head of the household. I understand his Biblical role, but there are times that they do not act like such and have given up the role.

In these circumstances, I believe that the Church needs to come and an elder needs to step in to take the place of the father. There needs to be accountability, and that is normatively to the family, but sometimes it cannot be.

Just wanted to throw that exception out there.

 

[LadyFlynt]

What you said makes sense. But I do believe a certain things do need to be disclosed. I've known women who didn't know their husbands had not disclosed certain things that ended up being a problem...or they didn't think those things would be a problem because "that was the past and they've moved on", but the after effects ended up creeping in on them anyhow.

 

[Chris]

What you said makes sense. But I do believe a certain things do need to be disclosed. I've known women who didn't know their husbands had not disclosed certain things that ended up being a problem...or they didn't think those things would be a problem because "that was the past and they've moved on", but the after effects ended up creeping in on them anyhow.

If a woman's father asked me that type of questions, I'd assume that he wasn't the sort of father-in-law I wanted, and in all likelihood his daughter wasn't the sort of wife I wanted, either.

We could depart with all parties contented.

Having said that, I'm perfectly OK with being interviewed.



edit: to clarify, it IS the woman's right to know such things about her prospective husband. I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say it's the father's right.

 

[LadyFlynt]

Okay...may I ask what role you believe a father DOES play and what about his daughter and potential son-in-law he's permitted to know or permitted to be excluded from?

 

[Chris]

Don't throw out the baby (possible-wife-to-be) with the bathwater (father-in-law). Just because he's a certain way doesn't mean she agrees with it.

Point well taken.


However, at the same time....my advice wasn't generated in a vacuum.....

 

[Chris]

Okay...may I ask what role you believe a father DOES play and what about his daughter and potential son-in-law he's permitted to know or permitted to be excluded from?

Name, age, family info, education, employment, any known incurable diseases.....

Then the important ones: does he show evidence of regeneration? Genuine, irrefutable evidence? Is he actively involved with a stable, orthodox church? Is his theology close enough to mine that I'm comfortable with his being spiritually responsible for my daughter?


In all honesty...I don't know.

I'm still on the other end of this issue. I've never had to ask a father for a date. Rarely do I ever meet the families of the women I meet. Out of the last 10 women I've went out with, I can think of 2 moms and 1 dad I've actually met. Honestly, I'd love to go through courtship instead of dating, but nobody here seems to think that way......so for now, I've pretty well lost interest in dating.

 

[satz]

Okay...may I ask what role you believe a father DOES play and what about his daughter and potential son-in-law he's permitted to know or permitted to be excluded from?

I hope I made it clear in the first post I made I do think it is within a parent’s authority to ask such questions.

I mentioned the example of virginity as something that would not be inappropriate at all to be enquired prior to courtship. This is because 1) the bible presents it as something that is desirable in a spouse, and 2) the lost of virginity can have physical consequences that even full repentance may not get rid off, whether it be STDS, illegitimate children, ex-partners etc.

However, in my opinion (which, as always, is open to correction) questions of the sort Josh quoted (have you ever been involved in p0rnography, masturbation etc) cross the line and become invasive. These things have no more effect on a person if truly repented of and forsaken, and should thus be buried and forgotten. Yes, sin leaves its claw marks in a mind and soul even if repented of, but who in the world has never sinned? The bible never says that forsaken sins ought to be dug up and examined in this manner. All the passages that speak of the ‘criteria’ for a spouse (1 Cor 7, Pr 31 and elsewhere) to my knowledge always address the present state and character of a person, not their past.

Now yes, repentance must be proven, as 2 Cor 7:11 says, so a question like ‘have you been involved in … in the past year’, or past two years or whatever, would not be inappropriate, since for a young person to say ‘yes, I was … but I just repented last week’ is certainly cause for concern as far as courtship is concerned. However, to say that a young person who was once involved in p0rnography but has repented and forsaken that sin must, ten years later make full disclosure of past events is, In my humble opinion, making light of the effect and worth of repentance and forgiveness.

Again, let me say that I understand (well, as much as someone who as never had children can possibly understand, I guess) how a parent might want to know these things just to be able to address them with the potential suitor, but it still seems to me that must be a line draw where once sin is forsaken, it ought to be buried and not brought up again, for whatever purpose.

 

[Carolyn]

Sigh.

It's just that I'm old enough to see how some of this gets played out in real life, that's all.

I really wish all of you with small children and no children the very best as you work out how to navigate your children's transition into adulthood.

 

[Gloria]

Do what my father in-law did....

Phone interviewed me for 4 hours seperated into two halves. Asked every theological question he can think of and asked every personal question about my life...

Next he asked for two personal references and a Pastoral reference....
He told me he would get back to me..

He then called all 3 references and called me back asking if I would like to come down for dinner one weekend.. Courtship followed restricted to his house for a year...

We got married....

Since then, we are considered heretics by him because of our theological changes... We are no longer pre trib dispensationalist and a few other changes....

oh well...

Michael

Wow!!!!