Julytwentysecond
Puritan Board Freshman
Hello, I am going to try to be as brief as possible. This is a very sensitive subject, but I really need guidance because it is eating me alive. First of all, I am not a mature Christian by any means. I am really struggling to find my footing and get on the right path. I was raised in a very dysfunctional, abusive home. My father passed away in January. My mother is mentally ill and tormented me for years as a result, until about 6 months ago when I finally couldn't take it any longer and I cut off all contact. She is a very active member of the "word of faith" movement, which many, including myself, view as a cult. Her life basically revolves around what she believes to be giving prophecies, words of knowledge, healing the sick, casting out demons, seeing visions, having prophetic dreams, etc. She believes that she has a very high position of authority, given to her by God, and she has even suggested that He will strike people dead on her behalf if they try to get in the way of her ministry. I feel that she is a very dangerous person for anyone to be around, but she has had people wonder if she is literally an angel (according to her, at least).
At this point, I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder (undiagnosed, but I'm sure I have it) and I am terrified of the thought of her showing up at my house to harass me (she has, and she has also damaged my property). I have a two year old son with autism who I absolutely do not want around her outbursts. Not to mention, I feel that it is my responsibility to protect his heart and mind from her. Also, my husband is constantly being bombarded with stress because of her.
Even though the bible says to "honor your parents" and "support widows" (especially when they are family), I made the difficult decision to cut off contact with her only 4 months after my father passed away. I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take hearing stories of her raising animals from the dead, and the visions she believes she was having of my dead father visiting her, or what he supposedly looks like in heaven, her horrible treatment, manipulation, lies, fits of rage, and I quit. I just gave up. I didn't say a word to her, because I knew that it would just lead to more abuse. I just stopped responding to her. I haven't spoken to her in 6 months, and I have no desire to.
My life IS better now. I'm finally starting to sort through the mountains of false teachings that she heaped upon me throughout my life. I've been able to focus on helping my son, and improving my family, instead of using my energy to try to parent my mother, or make sense of her abusive behaviors towards me and others. Life is much better now, however, the GUILT is eating away at me. I constantly hear her voice in the back of my mind assassinating my character, telling me what a horrible person I am for walking away. I wake up in the middle of the night and sit up for sometimes hours at a time, tormented by my thoughts. I feel like this guilt is going to drive me insane (literally), and the only way that I have ever known how to alleviate it was to return to her abuse cycle and give in to ALL of her demands.
I keep telling myself that "it wasn't that bad" or "I'm the crazy one, not her" or that I should "turn the other cheek", but I KNOW that these things aren't true.
If anyone can provide me with any biblical insight that might help me to accept that I *am* allowed to walk away from this, and that God isn't mad at me, I would really, really appreciate that. Thank you.
At this point, I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder (undiagnosed, but I'm sure I have it) and I am terrified of the thought of her showing up at my house to harass me (she has, and she has also damaged my property). I have a two year old son with autism who I absolutely do not want around her outbursts. Not to mention, I feel that it is my responsibility to protect his heart and mind from her. Also, my husband is constantly being bombarded with stress because of her.
Even though the bible says to "honor your parents" and "support widows" (especially when they are family), I made the difficult decision to cut off contact with her only 4 months after my father passed away. I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take hearing stories of her raising animals from the dead, and the visions she believes she was having of my dead father visiting her, or what he supposedly looks like in heaven, her horrible treatment, manipulation, lies, fits of rage, and I quit. I just gave up. I didn't say a word to her, because I knew that it would just lead to more abuse. I just stopped responding to her. I haven't spoken to her in 6 months, and I have no desire to.
My life IS better now. I'm finally starting to sort through the mountains of false teachings that she heaped upon me throughout my life. I've been able to focus on helping my son, and improving my family, instead of using my energy to try to parent my mother, or make sense of her abusive behaviors towards me and others. Life is much better now, however, the GUILT is eating away at me. I constantly hear her voice in the back of my mind assassinating my character, telling me what a horrible person I am for walking away. I wake up in the middle of the night and sit up for sometimes hours at a time, tormented by my thoughts. I feel like this guilt is going to drive me insane (literally), and the only way that I have ever known how to alleviate it was to return to her abuse cycle and give in to ALL of her demands.
I keep telling myself that "it wasn't that bad" or "I'm the crazy one, not her" or that I should "turn the other cheek", but I KNOW that these things aren't true.
If anyone can provide me with any biblical insight that might help me to accept that I *am* allowed to walk away from this, and that God isn't mad at me, I would really, really appreciate that. Thank you.