The PuritanBoard  

Go Back   The PuritanBoard > General Forums > Entertainment and Humor


Entertainment and Humor Discussions of entertainment, recreation and tasteful humor
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt (Col. 4:6)

» Online Users: 58
10 members and 48 guests
AltogetherLovely, buggy, calvinich, Ivan, J. David Kear, JonathanHunt, nicnap, Turtle
Most users ever online was 856, 07-06-2007 at 12:19 AM.
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 04-02-2008, 11:28 PM
a mere housewife's Avatar
Hench Wench
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 3,921
Thanks: 1,371
Thanked 1,481 Times in 744 Posts
In vivid English

Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.... (According to the forward I received, high school teachers annually enter their favorites in a national contest and vote on which are the funniest.)

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

18. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law, Phil. But unlike Phil,this plan just might work.

19. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

20. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

21. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

22. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

23. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
__________________
Heidi
Indianapolis, Indiana

Patience must dwell with Love, for Love and Sorrow
Have pitched their tent together here:
Love all alone will build a house tomorrow,
And sorrow not be near. -Christina Rossetti
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to a mere housewife For This Useful Post:
Augusta (04-03-2008), BobVigneault (04-03-2008), Galatians220 (04-03-2008), greenbaggins (04-03-2008), Ivan (04-03-2008), JDWiseman (04-03-2008), Nebrexan (04-03-2008), panta dokimazete (04-03-2008), VirginiaHuguenot (04-03-2008)
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 12:22 AM
Southern Presbyterian's Avatar
The Closer
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wytheville, Virginia
Posts: 5,507
Thanks: 1,659
Thanked 1,076 Times in 699 Posts


Funny stuff.
__________________
James Helbert, Wytheville, VA
Providence Reformed Presbyterian Church, RPCUS

TheBibleAlone.com / The Edinburgh Inn
"Is this not a brand plucked from the fire?” - Zechariah 3:2

Click to get: Board Rules -- Signature Requirements -- Suggestions?
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 12:43 AM
turmeric's Avatar
Megerator
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Portland,OR
Posts: 10,724
Blog Entries: 1
Thanks: 1,738
Thanked 953 Times in 794 Posts
__________________
The man who is disposed to think of his sin as a great calamity, rather than as a heinous crime, is not likely either to reverence God or to respect His law. - John Kennedy, 1873
Meg
Blog
Member, Intown Presbyterian Church,PCA, Portland, OR

Click to get: Board Rules -- Signature Requirements -- Suggestions?
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 01:15 AM
kvanlaan's Avatar
Puritanboard Professor
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,843
Thanks: 1,710
Thanked 1,501 Times in 843 Posts
__________________
Kevin, husband of a truly angelic woman, and father to ten.
Zion United Reformed Church of Sheffield
Ontario, Canada
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 01:26 AM
et et is offline.
Puritanboard Doctor
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: US
Posts: 6,033
Thanks: 1,147
Thanked 346 Times in 254 Posts
#5 Cracked me up for some reason!
__________________
et
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 02:36 AM
Pergamum's Avatar
The MacDaddy
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 10,402
Thanks: 2,682
Thanked 2,837 Times in 1,470 Posts
I love stuff like this....
__________________
Pergamum


"If a commission by an earthly king is considered a honor, how can a commission by a Heavenly King be considered a sacrifice?"
-- David Livingstone
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 04:19 AM
danmpem's Avatar
Puritanboard Junior
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Vacaville, CA
Posts: 1,404
Blog Entries: 4
Thanks: 347
Thanked 94 Times in 80 Posts
__________________
Dan Pemberton
Vacaville, CA

Member, First Baptist Church San Luis Obispo
Formerly ABUSA (We left, so I guess that makes us American Baptists Unleashed!)
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 05:06 AM
Puritanboard Librarian
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: N/A
Posts: 24,004
Blog Entries: 7
Thanks: 2,636
Thanked 3,523 Times in 2,014 Posts
__________________
Andrew
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 07:58 AM
Puritanboard Postgraduate
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 4,714
Thanks: 716
Thanked 420 Times in 309 Posts
__________________
-JD
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 08:21 AM
JBaldwin's Avatar
Puritanboard Graduate
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Pickens, SC
Posts: 3,306
Thanks: 922
Thanked 1,262 Times in 676 Posts


Before I was halfway through the list, I was laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face like rain in a spring thunderstorm when it pours down real hard and makes a lot of noise on the roof of our mobile home.
__________________
J Baldwin
Keowee Presbyterian Church, PCA
Pickens, SC
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” Luke 10:27

Check Out My Blog: http://reflectjoy.blogspot.com/
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to JBaldwin For This Useful Post:
Augusta (04-03-2008), ChristopherPaul (04-03-2008), panta dokimazete (04-03-2008), Southern Presbyterian (04-03-2008), VirginiaHuguenot (04-03-2008)
  #11 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 08:28 AM
BobVigneault's Avatar
Semper ubi sub ubi
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Janesville, WI
Posts: 7,401
Thanks: 403
Thanked 2,943 Times in 1,076 Posts
Those are hilarious, thanks! I must admit I had been avoiding the thread because I thought it was about another stupid modern translation of the Bible. TVEV - The Vivid English Version. I'm glad I finally looked.

As my 4 year old JB would say, "That's so funny it's not even funny."


Quote:
18. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law, Phil. But unlike Phil,this plan just might work.
That is rich!
__________________
Bob Vigneault C.O.L, L.E., G.E, Dr.O.P., O.U.T.
The Heartbeat of Heaven (blog)
Deacon/Christ Presbyterian Church, Janesville, WI OPC www.christ-opc.org

Click to get: Board Rules -- Signature Requirements -- Suggestions?
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 09:20 AM
Puritanboard Sophomore
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Anchorage
Posts: 898
Thanks: 294
Thanked 118 Times in 61 Posts
__________________
Diane
God is Good and we're not.
All Saints Episcopal
Anchorage, AK
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 09:25 AM
Backwoods Presbyterian's Avatar
Puritanboard Doctor
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Sarver, PA
Posts: 11,979
Blog Entries: 2
Thanks: 5,106
Thanked 2,645 Times in 1,605 Posts



How did they get a hold of my Systematic Theology paper??????
__________________
Benjamin P. Glaser, M. Div, Licentiate, Associate Reformed Presbyterian Church
Member Fairmount ARP Church
Pittsburgh, PA


Deo Vindice
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 10:14 AM
Galatians220's Avatar
Puritanboard Graduate
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 3,425
Thanks: 1,963
Thanked 1,062 Times in 600 Posts


(I LOVE Nos. 4 & 15!!!)
__________________
Margaret
Free Church of Scotland [Continuing]
Michigan

"The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty;
he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing." Zephaniah 3:17
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 10:30 AM
et et is offline.
Puritanboard Doctor
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: US
Posts: 6,033
Thanks: 1,147
Thanked 346 Times in 254 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBaldwin View Post


Before I was halfway through the list, I was laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face like rain in a spring thunderstorm when it pours down real hard and makes a lot of noise on the roof of our mobile home.
Nice one J!
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 10:52 AM
ChristopherPaul's Avatar
Puritanboard Senior
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 2,496
Thanks: 245
Thanked 166 Times in 101 Posts
These are great. Many of them remind me of Jack Handy quotes.
__________________
Christopher Reeder
Husband to Kara, Father to Abigail (8), Caleb (7), Grace (5 1/2), Zoë (4), Elijah (2), Hannah (1), and Mary (due February 2010)

Member: Pilgrim Presbyterian Church (OPC), Raleigh, NC
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 12:00 PM
JDWiseman's Avatar
Puritanboard Sophomore
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 672
Thanks: 97
Thanked 215 Times in 83 Posts
Quote:
12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.


That was a good read. Thanks, Heidi!
__________________
Joshua
Riverview PCA
Charleston, WV


"Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings."
- Psalm 17:8
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 09:09 PM
Presbyterian Deacon's Avatar
Puritanboard Graduate
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Rockville, CT
Posts: 3,646
Thanks: 609
Thanked 925 Times in 709 Posts

Quote:
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
I laughed as I found these two as amusing as something I might laugh at when I'm amused.
__________________
Sterling Harmon
Presbyterian Church of Coventry (PCA)
Coventry, CT
Deacon
________________

"Whatever is laudable in our works proceeds from the grace of God."
-- John Calvin, Institutes III:xv.3.

"Our Lord God must be a good man, to be fond of worthless fellows. I cannot like them, and yet I, myself, am one."
-- Martin Luther, Table Talk

Interim Pulpit Supply of New England

My Facebook

Owner/Administrator @ Reformed Theology Institute
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2008, 10:07 PM
Augusta's Avatar
Puritanboard Doctor
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 6,898
Thanks: 2,580
Thanked 999 Times in 630 Posts
Thanks Heidi, I love laughing that hard. I especially liked numbers 3 & 17.
__________________
Traci
Lynnwood OPC

"I have taken all my good deeds, and all my bad deeds, and cast them through each other in a heap before the Lord, and fled from both, and betaken myself to the Lord Jesus Christ, and in him I have sweet peace."--David Dickson
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Powered by vBadvanced CMPS v3.2.0

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:20 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2009, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
SEO by vBSEO 3.3.2 ©2009, Crawlability, Inc.
Copyright © 2002-2008 PuritanBoard.com
Hosted by WebsiteMaven - helping ministries with web hosting advice, reviews, and design.
67 Westminster Abbey © Confessional Presbyterian Presses - used with permission.
Add Our Custom Button to your Google Toolbar

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69