Thread: Anyone For A Pun?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done

Awesome list, I forwarded it to my punster friends. Thanks.

Those are funny.

I am not accustomed to hearing (or making ) anything but bad puns.
That list was brilliant. It was Groucho worthy.

Phooey on puns.
I once entered a pun writing contest. I made 10 entries! Did any win? No pun in ten did.

Pastor, I am standing and applauding once again. You have taken yet another topic to the next level.

Originally Posted by Contra_Mundum

Phooey on puns.
I once entered a pun writing contest. I made 10 entries! Did any win? No pun in ten did.

Originally Posted by Contra_Mundum

Phooey on puns.
I once entered a pun writing contest. I made 10 entries! Did any win? No pun in ten did.

Did you hear about the optician whose shirt was caught in the lens grinding machine? She made a spectacle of herself.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other
says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

One of my personal favorites:

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, the rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the
friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so,
thereby proving that . . .

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

I can't take the punishment any longer. Closely aligned with puns is the famous (infamous) art form of the limerick. Here are a couple I found . . .

Dealing with a cult?

A Christian Scientist from Theale
said “I know that my pain is not real.
When I sit on a pin
and it punctures my skin
I dislike what I fancy I feel.”

Or did you want to hear an eschatological one?

For a time, plus two times and a half,
It would seem the Beast had the last laugh.
Prophet Dan, mystified,
Kept it all down inside.
But we think it's a trib' shadowgraph.

How about a familiar account?

For refusing to serve King Neb's god,
Into furnace he threw Daniel's squad.
Those three men, tightly bound,
Were seen walking around,
Plus a fourth leading Grand Promenade.

If you want to hear some bad puns watch Mythbusters. It is one of my favorite TV shows but the narrator uses the worst puns ever.

Two more:

TALE OF TWO POTATOES
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one . . . a real Sweet Potato, whom they called "Yam."

Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P.U." . . . that's Potato University, where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.

But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Walter Cronkite. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just ...............a COMMON TATER!!!!


Two Weevils:
Once upon a time there were two, male, boll weevils. One had acres and acres of cotton all to himself. The other had nothing ... not even one single cotton boll.

The two weevils met the same girl weevil on the same day. They actually started dating her at the same time. As things would go, they both asked her to marry them at the same time.

Can you guess which one she chose?

The one with nothing. Know why?

He was the 'lesser of two weevils'!

Once there was a Russian Count called Rudolph the Red.

One day his wife comes into the room and says, "Look, Dear, it's snowing outside."

Rudolph the Red looks out the window and declares, "No, it is raining!"

"Snowing!" she insists.

He just looks at her smugly and says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear."

My wife rarely rolls her eyes but she did at that one.

Originally Posted by kvanlaan

My wife rarely rolls her eyes but she did at that one.

My work here is done then.

Joe, "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith."

John, "What's the name of his other leg?"

Originally Posted by JohnTombes

Joe, "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith."

John, "What's the name of his other leg?"

I remember that one from Mary Poppins:

Bert: Speaking of names, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
Uncle Albert: What's the name of his other leg?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

A three-legged dog walks into a salloon in the old west, goes up to the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

Irishmen are supposed to be wits. But, to be honest, I'm only half Irish. What does that make me?

I already know.....

Has anyone read the book 'The Female Ghost' by Sheila Peer?