Thread: People who say they will help but don't respond

Hello all,

This is "take two" of this poll. I made a mess of the last one because I didn't word the question precisely enough.

Since the poll limits how many words you can use, I found it practically necessary to put the question here in the thread, so here it is:

How much do you pursue someone who has expressed interest in a ministry or task but afterward does not respond to communication attempts?

I tend to be a realist and think that if someone does not respond in spite of repeated attempts to talk about it, it's probably time to back off from that person. But perhaps I'm being too severe about it, so I thought I'd get some other perspectives on it.

If none of the poll answer choices suits you, of course, feel free to post an alternate answer.

I'm pretty laid back/flexible, so I understand when others are less than eager to commit. If I were setting something up and needed help, I would ask a couple of times and then tell them that I'll leave it open for them if they can do it later.

If I need an answer, I press them. "Were you serious when you expressed interest, or not??"

You didn't have a "get serious and don't let it drag on" option in the poll.

Originally Posted by Gomarus

If I need an answer, I press them. "Were you serious when you expressed interest, or not??"

You didn't have a "get serious and don't let it drag on" option in the poll.

You're right. I should have included something like that. I don't know why I didn't think of it, since I actually have used that approach with two people recently. It works!

-----Added 4/30/2009 at 11:07:31 EST-----

Originally Posted by he beholds

I'm pretty laid back/flexible, so I understand when others are less than eager to commit. If I were setting something up and needed help, I would ask a couple of times and then tell them that I'll leave it open for them if they can do it later.

What if time were an issue and you needed some kind of response right away?

Originally Posted by Der Pilger

Originally Posted by Gomarus

If I need an answer, I press them. "Were you serious when you expressed interest, or not??"

You didn't have a "get serious and don't let it drag on" option in the poll.

You're right. I should have included something like that. I don't know why I didn't think of it, since I actually have used that approach with two people recently. It works!

-----Added 4/30/2009 at 11:07:31 EST-----

Originally Posted by he beholds

I'm pretty laid back/flexible, so I understand when others are less than eager to commit. If I were setting something up and needed help, I would ask a couple of times and then tell them that I'll leave it open for them if they can do it later.

What if time were an issue and you needed some kind of response right away?

If I needed an answer I would say, "Jane, I think you mentioned that you could help on Saturday. Are you still able and what time will you be there?"
If I ask directly they have to answer directly. I was sort of assuming a general call for help when I first read the post, but if this was something that is coming up and has been talked about specifically, I would just ask the one time directly, and take their answer. If they say, "I have to check my calendar can you get back to me?" I would say, "Sure, I'll call you this evening." If I get their machine, I would leave a message and say, "Hey Jane, this is Jessi. I know you asked me to check back with you so I was! Let me know about Saturday! Thanks! And if you get my voicemail, just leave a message saying what time you can come, if you can. Thanks!"

Originally Posted by Gomarus

If I need an answer, I press them. "Were you serious when you expressed interest, or not??"

You didn't have a "get serious and don't let it drag on" option in the poll.

Yeah what he said! I'm pretty direct and always want answers.

I think some folks just find it hard to say no, especially where church-related activities are concerned. In that case, you might want to couch your request with a few outs "... I understand you're really busy, so feel free to say no if you have to, but do you think you could help with ... I'm going to need a specific yes or no on this."

Originally Posted by TranZ4MR

Originally Posted by Gomarus

If I need an answer, I press them. "Were you serious when you expressed interest, or not??"

You didn't have a "get serious and don't let it drag on" option in the poll.

Yeah what he said! I'm pretty direct and always want answers.

Thanks. I tend to be the same. If someone expresses interest and says they plan to accomplish a task with you, they should follow through on it or, if their circumstances change and they can't do so, they should at least communicate that openly. Like Admiral Grier said in Clear and Present Danger: "You're only as good as your word." There's a lot of truth in that.

All the same, I can see the third option being feasible, too.

-----Added 4/30/2009 at 04:21:47 EST-----

Originally Posted by jwithnell

I think some folks just find it hard to say no, especially where church-related activities are concerned.

This could be why they end up being silent. Having rashly said yes to a task without "counting the cost," they now feel ashamed to say they can't do it. Consequently, it is easier simply to ignore you and hope you'll give up and move on to someone else.

Someone told me recently that many people in churches have a tendency to overcommit themselves, taking on more than they can handle.

In that case, you might want to couch your request with a few outs "... I understand you're really busy, so feel free to say no if you have to, but do you think you could help with ... I'm going to need a specific yes or no on this."

Not a bad idea. It's honest but also allows some flexibility.

I really loathe trying to correspond with lazy responders.

Here's my thought: If this guy expresses interest and you try to contact him, I'd call/email and if he didn't return my correspondance within 48 hours I'd contact him again. If he didn't contact me within 48 more hours, he's dropped from consideration. Even if he eventually contacts me saying it was something as drastic as a family emergency in another state... nonetheless, he's irresponsible for leaving dangling ends out there. Even in that drastic a situation, he should have contacted someone to say, "Hey, I expressed interest... in case you try to contact me I'm out of the loop for a few days/weeks..." It is too easy to leave a message like that. But in this day of almost universal cell phone usage, I find it hard to accept that it is anything other than either laziness, irresponsibility, or failure to plan... all of which would black ball the guy in my book.

Again, attempt to correspond. Wait 48 hours. Contact again. Wait another 48 hours. If no response, drop him from consideration and move on.

Originally Posted by SolaScriptura

I really loathe trying to correspond with lazy responders.

Here's my thought: If this guy expresses interest and you try to contact him, I'd call/email and if he didn't return my correspondance within 48 hours I'd contact him again. If he didn't contact me within 48 more hours, he's dropped from consideration. Even if he eventually contacts me saying it was something as drastic as a family emergency in another state... nonetheless, he's irresponsible for leaving dangling ends out there. Even in that drastic a situation, he should have contacted someone to say, "Hey, I expressed interest... in case you try to contact me I'm out of the loop for a few days/weeks..." It is too easy to leave a message like that. But in this day of almost universal cell phone usage, I find it hard to accept that it is anything other than either laziness, irresponsibility, or failure to plan... all of which would black ball the guy in my book.

Again, attempt to correspond. Wait 48 hours. Contact again. Wait another 48 hours. If no response, drop him from consideration and move on.

Thanks for the thoughts. This is how I tend to be. We're dealing with adults, not children, and so my feeling is that we shouldn't have to follow someone around like a parent, keeping tabs on them. You hit the nail on the head when you alluded to responsibility.

I wonder if doing that--repeatedly, incessantly being the one to take the initiative to ask them where they're at--is actually enabling them and encouraging the irresponsible behavior. After all, why bother to take the initiative to communicate when I am always doing it for them? Hence the need to limit the follow-up to two or three times, IMO.

Ironically enough, in some ways the technology we have makes it easier to avoid someone. It's so much easier to ignore an e-mail message than to ignore someone when they confront you face to face. That's no excuse, though, and as adults they should take responsibility regardless of the medium involved.

Honesty is my best policy in handling this kind of thing. I had this problem with two guys recently. After several unsuccessful attempts to get a response out of them, I just put my cards on the table and said something like, "Are you still interested? I understand if you're busy, so that's fine. Just let me know where you stand." This really worked. In both cases they responded quickly with a definite answer.

back of for a while and try again

I ask once.

If personal contact is made, a yes is a yes, anything else I consider a no.

Via phone answering machine, e-mail or the like, I'll ask if they got my message one time as a follow up and if I get a yes, it's yes. Anything else I consider a no.

Reiterate the commitment the first time for verification. If they agree to the time and place then give them something to do right there on the spot. Tell them to bring something. Give them a task to own. Then they know that others are counting on them. If they fail then just deal with it and follow-up with them later. If it's habitual then you have bigger issues, such as a liar in the congregation (let's not candy coat it). This sort of approach sort of takes out the wiggle room.
We have one family that notoriously has something pressing to do when we have activities. Even when they say they're coming we basically figure they might. Perhaps we should be more proactive with them and help them to see the sin of their apathy and lack of commitment/surrender to Christ.

Originally Posted by Wannabee

Tell them to bring something. Give them a task to own. Then they know that others are counting on them.

Thanks for this tip. I've used this approach before, but not always. I need to use it more often. Giving someone a task is a way of getting them to make a commitment and gives them a valuable part in what is going on, so it accomplishes two worthy goals.