Witness with EvangeCandy!TM
Jamey Bennett takes a satirical look at Christian bookstores who sell the worst of schlock
Finally, Christians are on the cutting-edge of culture and commerce! We're demonstrating to the world what a great awe and reverence we have for our holy God, and how much we adore his Word. Don't believe me? Just visit any one of our wonderful "Christian Stores" for a lesson in relevance!
In the olden days, when we were all smart and stuffy - basically, completely irrelevant -- these stores would have sold books. But we figured out that if a book is not about prosperity, dating, or that ole elusive rapture thing, then it probably is not worth reading. So we shoved those other books in the corner or just sent them back. Whew. Good thing we got away from that stuff.
Now we're really relevant. No, we're really, really relevant. And I can prove it to you.
The other night I was waiting to see the hot new "Christian" hip-hop group, Royal Ruckus, on TBN -- bless that station -- when a totally radical youth-oriented "Bible trivia" game came on! Oh it blessed my socks off! And the best thing is that the contestants all got really cool witnessing tools to take home with them! That TBN -- always thinking of the lost!
I'm used to TBN offering nightlights and door knockers, but I was so excited to see TBN offering Bible Bars -- "a biblical alternative to junk food"! At last, our own "all natural whole food bar", and it is even based on a "recipe" from Deuteronomy 8:8! I began to think, "Wow, my brothers have thought of everything we can redeem into a born-again version!" But then the clip about the Scripture Scooters came on! So cool! Now I can scoot around with all my pre-believer friends. Of course, they'll have their "secular" Razor scooters, but I'll be on my holy scooter! I bet when they see the Bible verse on handlebars they'll think something is different about me and want to ask Jesus into their cardio-vascular system.
I decided that I'd put the Scripture Scooter on my Christmas list, which would just about complete it, because I already asked for the "I Believe in God" hi-tops and the "Jesus is the Way" flip-flops that leave a message of hope in the sand at the beach. Oh I sure hope Jesus' little helper Santa brings those things to me!
Later that same night, I was praying and I think God told me to go to the Southern Baptist bookstore the next day to find some more witnessing tools for my 'hood. They had some really cool Halloween evangelism kits, complete with "cool stickers, colorful kids tracts," pieces of candy, and even treat bags!
Well, by the time I got past the Christian picture frames, Mighty Magnets, Bible Hero Trading Cards, Church-life Checkbook Covers, Eternal Erasers, Bible Bracelets, King Jesus Key-chains, Baptist Bouncy Balls, Christian Coin Purses, "God's Girl" candles, and the "Left Behind Software Companion," I was feeling a burning in my chest and hearing voices! I'm still not sure if it was Jesus or just indigestion, but I met some Lutheran in the store -- who looked like he was feeling ill -- who told me to just eat an orange. Oh well.
I didn't find an orange, but I did find some really relevant food products that would be so great at public school! There were the Scripture Cookies that were "saved" versions of fortune cookies -- and almost as good too! Of course, the nearly sainted company Testamints had a moving display of several flavors of cross-imprinted mints -- not only do the mints freshen your breath, but they also increase your appreciation of the finished work of Christ. The kids at Bible club would get a real kick out of these.
Oh! I nearly forgot! The new big competitor to both Altoids and Testamints are mints so mighty that Moses would give a glow for them! You won't believe this, but they're called Almighty Mints! Isn't that cool? The website rightly notes, "Everyone will enjoy the unforgettable combination of scrumptious candies and inspirational Scriptures." The tin that it comes in even has a great quote from the Word: "The breath of the Almighty gives me life" (Job 33:4). What impeccable exposition! And with that type of power, it makes sense why they cost almost twice as much as those secular mints, Altoids.
Now on my way out of this blessed experience, I found this anointed candy rack from several ministries, including the powerful ScriptureCandy and some tasty treats from the makers of the EvangeCube! ScriptureCandy seemed very Spirit-filled because not only did they have a wide variety of candies such as sour bubble gum, tangy tarts, Scripture mints, and gourmet lollipops, but "every piece is individually wrapped in Scriptures!" Similarly, the EvangeCandy that I saw "tells the complete gospel story on every piece" just like the EvangeCane, "a simple treat that is eternally sweet."
Well my point in all this is that I'm glad we Christians have quit wasting our money on religion and books and other stuff that Jesus really isn't into, and we've found some real practical tools to make Christ acceptable to my friends! From shoes to scooters to candy, we are on the forefront of society now! Think of all the saved souls from something as simple as a piece of candy or a nutrition bar!
I can't wait to let Jimmy pick one of six delicious fruity flavored ScriptureCandies - maybe I'll even plant a seed!