So I had to intentionally interpret a Bible passage wrongly. We were told the crazier the better. I thought I would post my passage here because I think it is funny. Maybe someone will get a laugh out of it. My remarks are in bold.


Now Elijah the Tishbite (this points to the lack of stature or “bite sizeness” of Elijah), from Tishbe in Gilead, said to Ahab, “As the Lord, the God of Israel, lives (this is a term that implies not a physical existence, but rather a mental force that Elijah has achieved. Elijah has meditated in such a way that his mental capacity has become divine in nature.), whom I serve (Elijah is pointing out two things here. One, he is the only one who has achieved this mental capacity, because if this capacity was a normal occurrence, then there would no need to enlighten Ahab of his mental ability. Secondly, because Elijah says that he serves this mental state, he is pointing to the fact that his actions fall in line with the desires of this mental capacity), there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word.” (dew or rain refer to substance. This substance is knowledge. Elijah is pointing out that his mental capacity is superior to everyone else and that no knowledge will be attained unless he imparts it.)

Then the word of the Lord came to Elijah (His Divine Mental Thought process): “Leave here (He realized that although he had achieved Divine mental capability, there was still more to achieve. He did not need to simply accept his current status, but rather strive forward and increase his mental capacity), turn eastward (It was typical for Jews to turn westward towards Jerusalem and pray every day. Here Elijah is coming to the conclusion that he needs to abandon all forms of structured religion and allow his mind to roam free.) and hide (not hide as in a state of fear, but rather a command to seek solitude. This solitude will help free his mind from any restrictions and help cultivate his mental capacity to new untold lengths) in the Kerith Ravine (Kerith means “to cut” thus continuing Elijah’s mindset to cut himself off from religion and society), east of the Jordan (Another reference to the opposite of Judaism and all religions). You will drink from the brook (A promise of increased mental capacity), and I have ordered the ravens to feed you there.” (This is a reference to Noah releasing the raven from the ark. The raven did not return. Elijah is pointing out that after he frees or releases himself from all forms of Judaism, he will not return. He will be free from structured religion and as such will achieve a greater mental capacity.)

So he did what the Lord had told him (His mental capacity is so great, that even if he wanted to, he could not disobey his divine mental capacity). He went to the Kerith Ravine (Cut himself off from religion and society), east o f the Jordan (direct opposite of Judaism, thus releasing his mind from the structures of Judaism), and stayed there (Notice he stayed there. There is no mention that he ever came back. Thus we can deduce that Elijah was successful in his quest for greater mental capacity and freedom from religion.). The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening (Judaism required prayer to God both in the morning and at night. So Elijah is pointing out that the process of releasing himself from the bondage of Judaism was not a one time thing. He had to continually abstain from the rigors of that religion which in this case was praying to God morning and night), and he drank from the brook. (Because of his diligence of releasing himself from Judaism and all other forms of religion, he received more and more knowledge and a greater mental capacity.)

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Boliver
Future Chaplain
EPC
Hankamer, TX

Priceless. Sounds almost like the interpretations I've heard from pulpits in liberal churches.

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We shall not adjust our Bible to the age; but before we have done with it, by God's grace, we shall adjust the age to the Bible. - Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Lawrence Underwood, Jr.
Pastor - Providence Family Fellowship / Mobile, Alabama
1644/46 LBC
My Blog - Imprimis

You are now officially a heretic.

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Tim Phillips
Pastor, Midlane Park Presbyterian Church (ARP)
Louisville, KY
Husband of Scottish Lass
My Blog: Gairney Bridge
My Facebook/My Avatar

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"Wherever the gospel is preached, it is as if God Himself came into the midst of us." ~ John Calvin

Or a Warren/Osteen/Schuller wannabee?

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Ivan R. Schoen, B.A., M.A., M.L.I.S.
Pastor of Maranatha Baptist Church (SBC)
Poplar Grove, IL, USA
http://maranatha-sbc.org

And the difference is?

Glad I could bring a smile to some faces.

Hey, watch how you throw my handle around. I'm not just some seeker sensitive Joe, you know. (you even spelled it right)

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For the Glory of our King,
Joe Johnson
Slave of Christ, husband, father, Preacherboy at Cornerstone Community Church, Escanaba, MI. and TMS graduate. Personal website - SoundLife.org

I do not know, and I do not say, that a person cannot believe in Revelation and in evolution, too, for a man may believe that which is infinitely wise and also that which is only asinine. ~ CHS

wannabee? Better change that before Wannabee comes back

Edit:
(I tried to warn you, looks like I wasn't quick enough!)

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B.Howes
Framingham, MA

The really sad thing is that I've heard interpretations even more far out than this one, and the person making it was serious!

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Rev. Lane Keister
Teaching Elder, PCA, North Dakota (working out of bounds in a CRC and an RCA church)
http://greenbaggins.wordpress.com
http://brahmsgreenglove.blogspot.com
http://accenttranslation.blogspot.com
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Notice that I spelled the word with a small "w".

I'm known for my good looks and smarts...................

, sadly I have seen worse myself! Yikes.

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Jon Lake
Whitehouse,Texas/ Member: Good Shepherd (REC)

Same here. The idea that eating the forbidden fruit was a sign that Adam and Eve had reached maturity comes to mind.

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Scott Roper
Member, Redeemer Presbyterian Church (PCA)
Winston-Salem, NC
scottandjenny.ws

MODS! We have found a heretic! May we burn him?!

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Donald Jacobs
Roanoke VA.
Covenant Reformed Episcopal Church.

Cum vero infirmor tunc potens sum.

Donald, that's all we do around here anyway, if you believe some. :flamingsco t:

I think you should extapolate even further by revealing what his enhanced mental capacties had taught him... things such as how to end hunger, the AIDS crisis, perhaps even war or global warming.

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Ben
Chaplain, US Army
Ft. Riley, KS
TE Ohio Valley Presbytery, PCA

I sense an honorary doctorate in the making.

Why did you have to do that?

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Paul Korte
OPC
Flint, MI

They who perceive in themselves discoveries of the divine goodness, so full and absolutely perfect, and who make them the subject of earnest meditation, will never embrace new doctrines, by which the very grace they feel so powerfully in themselves is thrown into the shade. --John Calvin

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I do not even remember why. I just happened to be looking at some old writings and found it. I do not even remember what class it was.

So..... I can take that as a yes?

(begins pilling large bundles of sticks around a large post in the ground)

Was this at a seminary?

In RUF in college, we used to sing (to the tune of "Crown Him with Many Crowns"):

Stone him with many stones,
O, pile those stones up high...

Are you in bibl350 at Liberty Univ? I'm taking that class and had to do the exact same assignment! haha

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[B]Manley Beasley[/B]
Southern Baptist Convention
Fayetteville, Arkansas

[B]Wir sein pettler. Hoc est verum (We are beggars. This is true.).--Luther's dying words[/B]

And marshmallows! Don't forget marshmallows!

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Kevin, husband of a truly angelic woman, and father to ten.
Zion United Reformed Church of Sheffield
Ontario, Canada