Thread: Ministering to the Dying and the Bereaved

Most of what I have learned about this topic I learned from other people, but I have tested it against Scripture, and have also put it to the test in ministry (16 funerals in almost 4 years), and I find it extremely helpful.

To the Bereaved:

1. While it is true to say that the dead Christian is in a better place, that is not the most helpful thing to say. I mean, it’s great for the dead person that he’s in another better place, but what about the people left behind mourning? In a very real sense, it is a physical bereavement. The bereaved miss the physical presence of the one who has died. They miss the touch, the personality, the talking, the eye contact. This is where it hurts most. Therefore, talking about the resurrection should have a focus not only on the new body that the dead believer will have, but also on the reunion with the bereaved that will occur. This reunion can also be a great gateway into the Gospel message: “How do you know you will see this person again? Only if you trust in Jesus and then have the hope of the same resurrection to eternal life.”

2. Going along with the first point: do not underestimate the power of touch in ministry at this point. Great care must be taken such that touching will always be appropriate. However, I have yet to have anyone misinterpret a hug at such a time. It is a great ease of the sharpness of physical bereavement to have physical contact.

3. Resurrection texts I find are the most appopriate for funerals, even at the funeral of an unbeliever. No other texts in the Bible show us so clearly that death is not the end. No other texts show us so clearly that death is a homegoing and that it is temporary. No other texts offer such hope in the midst of grief. Going right along with this is preaching that death is UNnatural, not natural. Death is an intruder into the created order. We lose sight of this sometimes, especially when we say that death and taxes are inevitable. Make a strong connection between death and sin, as the former is the full flower of the latter. Funerals are the best opportunities to share the Gospel. Nowhere else will people have the results of sin staring them right in the face. Nowhere else can we so legitimately face people with their own mortality and uttermost need of Jesus.

4. Do not advise people to seek to avoid grief. The only way to deal with grief is to go through it, pain and all, recognizing (and 1 Thessalonians 4 is essential here) that the grief of a believer mourning the death of a believer is of a fundamentally different sort than the grief of a non-believer. It is a grief laced with hope. That tempers grief, though it does not eliminate it. Encourage people to take their grief in all honesty to God. The Psalms are important here. We cannot escape grief. The problem with trying to avoid it is that we will bury it, and it will fester, quite possibly into bitterness. It is much better to deal with it immediately and thoroughly, for healing and a measure of peace will come much more quickly that way.

To the Dying:

5. People who are dying want to know about the afterlife. Tell them about where the soul goes, and where the body stays until the Resurrection. It is surprising how many people think that souls sleep after death.

6. People who are dying and know that they are going to heaven will want to know if they can still know things and recognize people. Point to Hebrews 12 in this regard and the passage in Revelation of the souls crying out to God “How long?”

7. People who are dying and do not know where they are going obviously need the Gospel, especially a Gospel of grace. Such people are usually worried about whether their lives have been good enough for God. This is an especially dangerous time for them. They need the full grace of justification by faith alone at this time more than anything else. Machen’s deathbed quotation about the active righteousness of Christ imputed is appropriate also.

8. Ask the dying person about their regrets. Tell them that their past misdeeds and lack of positive deeds can be forgiven in Christ.

Thanks, Lane. I just was with a family this morning (one of my elders) after the death of his (the elder's) father. Good advice here.

Not to sound morbid, but funerals have become my favorite service. Usually they are very well attended (one I did had over 500 people attending), oftentimes by many people who never otherwise attend church at all. People are really listening at a funeral in a way that they certainly do not at weddings, for instance. It is a great opportunity to share the Gospel, whether it is a believer's funeral or not. If it is a believer's funeral, I will occasionally mention the person. But the sermon should not be a eulogy about the dead person. Instead, I usually say something like this: "If so-and-so could say something to you right now, it would be about the Gospel of Jesus Christ." Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. If it is a funeral for a non-believer, I will usually not mention the person at all, but preach straight Gospel.

My first official duty as a deacon (all other church officers were unavailable) was to comfort a family who lost a husband/father at the age of 27 to cancer. I was there in the hospital by his bedside moments after he died. I was very little prepared for the experience, and I don't know how much help I was, but this counsel resonates with me greatly. Thank you for sharing this, Lane.

I can recommend Abraham Kuyper's In the Shadow of Death ...

Also, one of the most helpful teachings in my experience has been that Christ himself experienced great sorrow and grief on earth. In grief, it is such a comfort to know that we are praying to someone who intimately knows the heaviness of our hearts!

Recognizing that it is not always easy to pray during times of grief can also be helpful. This doesn't mean that the mourner is somehow spiritually deficient, just at a difficult time in life. This is also a reminder for all of us to be well-maintained in our own prayers and meditations so we are ready in those more difficult times.

Lane,

AMEN!!! I have always felt that the pastor was little more than ecclesiastical "elevator music" at the wedding, but a minister of hope and the Gospel at a funeral. I would almost ALWAS rather officiate at a funeral than a wedding (75-100 weddings; 500+ funerals!).

Lane,

Any chance you could post a list of the texts you have preached on at funerals? That would be a helpful resource.

No problem. I have preached on Job 19:23-27, Psalm 16, John 14:1-14, John 20:1-10, Romans 8, 1 Cor. 15:12-58, 1 Thess 4:13-18, Rev. 21:1-4. I confess to having duplicated several times preaching. But most of the time they don't remember anyway! ;-) One could definitely use the other resurrection accounts in the Gospels, as well as 2 Cor 5:1-10 and Philippians 3:2-11. I think if one prepared sermons on these passages, one wouldn't need to write any more sermons for funerals. Furthermore, what I usually do is use one of my sermons on one of these passages, and then read most of the others during the service. Scripture needs completely to saturate a funeral service, in my opinion. I usually have about 5 readings.

Thank you for this thread. I have also found funerals to be good opportunities for gospel preaching, and have done an unusually high number of funerals in proportion to weddings. I'm glad people in our congregation aren't superstitious!

Another joy of preaching at the funeral of a believer is when they choose (or have already chosen) their funeral text. It is good to ask the Lord's people when they know death is near what their funeral text would be.

One man who had been saved for less than a year and was dying of Lou Gehrig's disease told me, "Preach on the man who was brought into the vineyard at the eleventh hour. That is me."

Just about a year ago one dying saint told me that her funeral text and hymns were on a piece of paper in her Bible. I was able to tell those who attended her funeral that she was very prepared to be with the Lord.

Very precious.

One of the things I like about the chaplaincy is the amount of breadth and depth of exposure I get to so many things. In just two years of being an army chaplain I've counseled over 50 couples dealing with adultery, I've dealt with over 100 cases of domestic violence, I've dealt with literally countless couples in which one (or sometimes both!) are addicted to p o r n, in war I preached 10 sermons a week, I've held the hands of folks while they are literally bleeding out, I've walked amongst the most horrifically nauseating carnage of war as battle hardened soldiers are weeping wondering how or why God could allow this to happen, as of this past Tuesday I've done 15 funerals... mostly for young people, and I manage a small staff and a budget of over 200k.

How many folks get such experiences within 2 years of graduating seminary?

I agree with Lane's advice here. In particular I resonate with his concern that we don't minimize the grief of those left behind. In fact, it was meditating upon Paul's admission that the death of Epaphroditus would have caused him "sorrow upon sorrow" that helped me to see the legitimacy of acknowledging the pain of loss even when it is Christians who are involved.

The only thing I'd add is that sometimes just being there - without saying a word - is remarkably helpful.

I would much rather officiate a funeral than a wedding.

One of the best funeral texts I have found is 2 Timothy 4:6-8. I have used many others, but I seem to come back to this one more times than not.