How extensive a role?

tgoerz · #1 (**permalink**) 06-26-2009, 10:44 AM

My question is in regards to how extensive a role, i.e. the depth of involvement, of "coming along side" a brother/sister in times of difficulty?

It is my belief that today's church does a pretty inadequate job of supporting fellow members during a time of difficulty.

Other than the inane "I'll be praying for you". The support stops there.
I've been guilty of that myself and until recently I never thought another thing about it. I mean, I was sincere in my claim and I did pray for them. What else is there?

Precisely, what else is there? What are some practical aspects of showing Christian love? What lengths should we go to genuinely be supportive and encouraging to hurting members of the body? How "involved" should we be with one another in the body, outside of sunday? How personal should we be with one another?

By practical aspects I mean: after having a brother/sister share the issue, what kind of follow-up should we engage in to support them, do we wait for them to call us, do we limit it to phone calls? Should we leave it up to the pastor/elder?

I ask these questions because of a recent situation I was involved with. Here's a brief synopsis:

A man in our church, a worship leader, usher, elder candidate. His wife had a relapse involving alcohol. He immediately informed the pastor, his wife out of embarassment did not want to meet with the pastor, even in an informal setting...couple to couple. But rather wanted to pursue counseling on her own.The husband wanted the pastor to share the situation with other members of the body, privately, to have them praying for the situation. He tried to enlist the pastor and his wife to make occasional, supportive calls to his wife, keeping things informal and encouraging. The husband shared the situation with a couple other key men in the church, men he considered good friends. Seeking prayer and support.

During the time of counseling the wife resisted attending church due to guilt, embarassment and fear of judging. The husband, in support of his wife, stayed home with her but continued to keep the pastor and his friends informed. The husband informed the pastor that he felt it best to step down from service until the situation stabilized). Soon the phone calls to his wife fell off. If the husband did not make the calls to pastor and friends, no contact was made.

Within a month, this couple was pretty much isolated spiritually. The husband would attend church occasionally, out of desperate need of spiritual feeding. One of his friends kept contact with him but even he was inconsistant and fairly shallow. When the husband shared frustration for the lack of meaningful spiritual support, his friend had nothing to say.

In short, this man and his wife were pretty much left to spiritually fend for themselves. Frustration is so keenly felt by the husband they are considering leaving the body.

I ask you....is this how the NT church is to "do business"?

Here's what I think could have been done.

The pastor and the friends the husband kept informed should've made it a point to rally around this guy and go out of their way to call, go to breakfast, invite the couple out to dinner, invite to come over and watch the game, etc. Keep them engaged socially. Make it a point to have a consistant spiritual support time with the husband, a breakfast, coffee, something.

Several key women of the church should have done pretty much the same thing with the wife. Informal and unpretentious. Shopping, coffee. Invite to lunch. Invite to cleaning day at the church, etc. To create a supportive envirnment in which the wife could develope trust and confidence and perhaps share her situation, enabling the women to share spiritual truths with her.

I am ashamed that my thoughts and ideas are all in hindsight.

I need some input....am I on the right track with the above suggestions? Are those suggestions not more indicative of loving support and fellowship for a struggling brother and sister? Is this level of engagement not more in line with demonstrating our love to one another, not just in theory but where the rubber meets the road?

**turmeric** · #2 (**permalink**) 06-26-2009, 11:56 AM

Recently a brother in the church revealed financial struggles he's having. We knew he had a deadend job and was pretty much broke, we didn't know HOW broke. This has made efforts at assistance pretty ineffective until now. How to re-focus?

baron · #3 (**permalink**) 06-26-2009, 11:59 AM

Joe as someone once said hindsight is always 20-20.

(In short, this man and his wife were pretty much left to spiritually fend for themselves. Frustration is so keenly felt by the husband they are considering leaving the body).

Is it to late to follow up on your suggestions? If not then start implementing them. You can start by reaching out to this couple. You do not need to be the pastor, deacon, or a leader in the church to reach out to others. (I always enjoy when church members reach out to me, who are not leaders in the church). To me it shows a genuine concern. That is why there is a church body to help one another. Too many churches leave it to the professionals. But do speak with your church leaders regarding the situation and how you feel and what you can do now or in the future.

If it is to late and they have left you can still be friends with them, also when you see a sitituation of someone hurting reach out to them. Let it start out with you.

I think many churches fail at supporting members in emotional, financial or other difficulities. It's not their fault the church maybe is not in a position to help some one financialy which I see a lot. But we should always be willing to inconvenience ourselves for our brothers and sisters in the Lord.
There is more I would say if I could put it into words but some one else more articulate than I will have better suggestions. It is easier for me to talk than to put my thoughts in writting.

Hope this helps but change can start with you. Remembering we all fall short.

tgoerz · #4 (**permalink**) 06-26-2009, 12:18 PM

Financial difficulties are to me, the visible part of the iceberg. I know it sounds unsympathetic but there are way more important spiritual issues at stake in times of financial hardship than lack of money. That being said, there is a LOT a church, even a small one can do to help out financially, if there is a collective will.

I know it gets down to individual effort.

But as an institution, a collective body...this should never be allowed to happen. Where is the engagement?

Scott1 · #5 (**permalink**) 06-26-2009, 12:25 PM

There's no single answer to such a broad situation. It's easy to say "the church" is not doing enough when we ourselves, as individuals are "the church."

As far as practical ways to help, individual members can say touch base with someone like you describe regularly. You can do this individually if necessary or as part of a team.

A team effort is sometimes good because it makes it less likely the person will become totally dependent on one person and allows more people to serve in ministering.

Every week call them, for example and see how they are doing. Try to facilitate meeting their needs through the church if possible, outside if necessary. Pray for them before calling and offer to pray with them, if they would like, each time you call.

Encourage them to continue participating in church. Withdrawing from the "ordinary means of grace" is at its root sin, no matter what the imagined justification. It's not about one feeling guilty or being embarrassed or not liking certain people in the church, it's about worshiping God, and absorbing the grace God provides in time of need.

Don't overlook performing small tasks to help the person. And try to get others to assist in those ways also.