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jambo · #1 (**permalink**) 04-03-2008, 12:36 PM

This was a mail I received

The Doctrine of Feline Sedentation

How should Christians deal with 'The cat sat on the mat' if it appeared in the Bible?

The LIBERAL THEOLOGIANS would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat sat literally on the mat. Also 'cat' and 'mat' had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This would lead to an immediate backlash from the EVANGELICALS. They would make it an essential condition of faith that a real, living cat, being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a whiskered head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its whole body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on the floor, but not of the floor. The expression 'on the floor', but 'not of the floor' would be explained in a leaflet.

Meanwhile, the CATHOLICS would have developed the Festival of the Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was white and majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to the Great Cat Basket of Heaven. This is commemorated by the singing of the Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times. This would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes that tradition requires Holy Cats Day (as it is colloquially known), to be marked by six candles and ringing the bell four times. This would partly be resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration, recognising the traditional validity of each.

The CHARISMATICS would welcome the chance for the full experience of the feline presence. This to be shown resting, on all four limbs, on the floor and meowing in the feline spirit. It would, naturally, only be possible following the singing, for some 30 minutes, of inspired songs such as 'O cat, cat, cat, come to our mat, mat, mat, catty, catty on matty, matty, we truly believe we're not really batty'; 'Feline, we enthrone you, we proclaim you as cat' and 'If you scratch us we know that you're here'. The house church elements might even agree a common doctrine, after pauses, in a statement of may clauses.

The remnant PRESBYTERIANS would formulate a Catminster Confession, with an uncertain priority of authority in relation to the true word of cat, stating the 'Chief end an purpose of man is to stroke cat and enjoy his presence forever.' In worship Psalm paraphrases would be sung; such as 'I joyed when to the mat of cat go up they said to me' (Tune: Glasgow) and 'Lift up your head O mighty cat, your claws of sharpness shield' (Tune: St Georges, Edinburgh). The rump of Presbyterians in the Reformed Cattery (URC for brevity) would simply find the new doctrine irksome.

Eventually, in the CHURCH OF ENGLAND, the House of Bishops would issue a statement on the Doctrine of Feline Sedentation. It would explain that, traditionally, the text describes a domestic feline quadruped superjacent to an unattached covering on a fundamental surface for determining its salvific and eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration Question (How much is that doggie in the window?) and the Affirmative Musaceous Paradox (Yes, we have no bananas). And so on for 210 pages. A key recommendation would be that Mattins become Mattons. The General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource material for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of 'the cat sat on the mat'.